To expect DH to do more of the housework if he's unemployed and I'm working full time?

[AnonymousMama87]

DH was made redundant last July. He was given 6 months pay and we were midway through having an extension built (which he wanted, for his office/gym and which I had been clear I didn't think was needed). His parents gave him the money for the extension. He has not even looked for work yet and it's now March. I have upped my hours from 30-37.5 and I commute 45-60 minutes each way. He does school runs in the morning, plus 2 pick ups (I do Friday as do condensed hours and my mum does the other pick ups). My mum is cleaning our house, spreading the washing etc on the days she picks up. I don't think this is fair on her. I'm also doing 80% of the housework. He has never cleaned a toilet for example, he has cleaned the bathroom floor on one occasion and he had to ring me and ask how. If I put washing on He says he'll try to hang it but usually "doesn't have time". He is managing the building works, doing bits himself like painting, and cooks on most of my work nights but will ask me what he's making, and expect me to get the ingredients etc. He does have a visual impairment which means he can't drive.

I'm getting so fed up, I also want him to get a job now as the redundancy money has run out and I'm getting stressed but he says he can't look until the office is finished as he doesn't have the headspace.

He's obviously struggling with all the stress.

Am I being unfair to insist he does more now I've upped my hours?

My DH has retired. I still work 3 days a week. My DH does everything. I do feel a bit guilty but that feeling soon passes!

My mum genuinely wants to do the 2 pick ups, as she likes spending time with her grandchildren, but I am certain she doesn't want to be cleaning and doing the washing, she is just the sort of person who can't leave it when she gets in and it's not been done, and when I get home she doesn't want me to come home to any more jobs that I already have.

She also worries that he doesn't do anything with them on the days he picks them up. As he tends to go upstairs or in the bath once he's picked our 9yo up. The older is 12 now and cycles home. Then they go on screens, eat snacks and make a mess until I get home basically!

As to how it happened, I worked part-time and/or nights for a long time when the kids were little and he was full-time, and I just got on with it, but now I'm coming home at 7pm after leaving at 7am, and I'm knackered. He doesn't do nothing at all, but he certainly hasn't increased his housework contributions since he stopped working, I'd say if anything they have dropped. And I can't RELY on anything. So he might spread a load of washing, but he won't commit to doing it, so if I put it on it's 50/50% if I'll have to rinse and spread it when I get home in the evening and then we're behind, and I have to remember to check. If he doesn't do it, he usually says it's because I put too much in so it's overwhelming. Or because there's still washing on the drying rack.

So what are you going to do about it OP?
Your mother is having to pick up the slack for your pathetic DH, and you’re just fine with it?
You’re ranting but it doesn’t really sound like you’ve done anything about it.

He can be stressed and still hang the washing to dry. He has a wife & kids... if he can paint a wall, he clean the floors.

His wife has taken on extra paid work and he can't be bothered looking for a job?

Also if you bothered to read the OP, the redundancy money has run out but he won't get another job. So the OP is funding him.

How are you not deeply embarrassed and ashamed?

He can, but you asked what he has to be stressed about, because bills are paid, like that's the only thing he could be stressed about. Call him a lazy bastard all day long, he is. But to ask what he could be stressed about, as bills are being paid. 🙄

I'm flabbergasted that you are letting your mum clean your house when your waste of space husband isn't working or pulling his weight! You are both cfers for that!

As for your husband you tell him to get his lazy, piss taking arse into gear, get a job and stop being such a useless, pathetic baby or you will divorce him and sell the house, so he won't get to use his precious extension!

Bloody hell!

What would you suggest? I've spoken to him many times. He knows I'm unhappy and exhausted.
I've thought about leaving but it's huge, we have a shared house that's mid building works, that he paid most of for a long time. I love my job but even full time I wouldn't be able to afford to buy or even rent somewhere big enough for me and the kids.

I keep thinking surely he'll get a job soon, but realistically if he does he'll do even less around the house. I'm drowning and my mum is a lifeline, please don't make me feel any worse. I do feel very guilty, I'm doing the lion's share at weekends and evenings and Fridays, she just helps for a couple of hours when she's here, that's who she is, she couldn't ever sit down while there's washing piled up is all. I'm on annual leave this week and trying to get on top of things so we have systems in place before I go back.

I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to keep things going, how to get him to help,. because nothing I say seems to work.

That's not even what I said. If you want to have an actual discussion, go back.an dread what I really said because you're literally mixing it all up.

I’ve just been made redundant and am taking on 90% of the household tasks including the care for our autistic young adults and up skilling while looking for a job.

I loved my job and I’ve cried so many tears at not being there but now is not the time for that, now is the time to get another job and focus on that!

I’ve not even received my redundancy pay yet!

Im a woman btw and most of us just crack on.

Genuine question.... why do you even want to be with him at this stage?

I personally would rather move back in with your mother than stay with him. Your kids are older and in a fre years will pretty much be self-sufficient... is this the example you want to set for them?

Why are the building works so important? Why does he need to build an office given he has NO JOB and no intentions of getting one?

Does he have no shame?

These men make me sick

So you just live the rest of your life with a man who blatantly doesn’t respect you? Wow your self esteem must be in the gutter.

I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to keep things going, how to get him to help,. because nothing I say seems to work.

You can't. He's a shit partner and he doesn't even like you enough to bother pulling his weight. He's happy to watch you and your mum do it all.

However, you are enabling this so you are doing it to you mum as much as he is.

You are one of those posters who want someone else to change but you are not prepared to change yourself. That is just as selfish.

I've thought about leaving but it's huge

So what? You either start making plans to separate or live like this for the rest of your life. Your poor mum, I really feel for her and how she's being treated by both of you.

Well.. yes it is actually. Thanks for pointing that out. I am having counselling. I guess I'm not a very strong person. I am trying.

Wow. I'm not doing anything to my mum thank you very much. I ask her not to do housework. She has a choice about it and I feel bad enough already. I do as much as I can around work. I have made it very clear she doesn't even need to do the pick ups now he isn't working and she insists.

By all means say it's my fault I'm with him and I "could leave" like it's so easy to do but I'm not taking advantage of my mum just because I can't force my husband to do housework. If I left how would that improve? I'd have to do 100% instead of 80% and she'd likely still help out the same.

Jesso why are so many people trying to make the op feel worse when she’s struggling as it is, it’s not as simple to just walk away from a marriage when kids and finances are involved, she needs support not ridiculed

Don’t listen to them op, they must get something out of kicking people when they’re down! Obviously your mum isn’t being forced to do what she’s doing

God help you.
What an absolute loser.
I think you need to start planning on how you get out of this marriage.
He has fools made out of your mother and yourself.
Your poor children.
Can you live with your mother?
Can you start paying her for her work so she can save for you?
Get legal advice.
I would wait till the house is finished and then look to divorce and get as much out of the marriage financially as possible.
Keep careful notes that he does nothing so he can't suddenly claim primary carer.
Texts proving that he isn't are good to have.
Get quietly organised and stop doing anything that benefits him.
No cooking, laundry, shoping.

By all means say it's my fault I'm with him and I "could leave" like it's so easy to do but I'm not taking advantage of my mum just because I can't force my husband to do housework. If I left how would that improve? I'd have to do 100% instead of 80% and she'd likely still help out the same.

Because your mum would be helping you out not washing and cleaning around a man who sits there doing nothing. Surely you can see how wrong this is and that you are part of it?

Plus you could learn how to run your house by yourself which thousands of people do without needing their mum to come round and do their washing.

It would be 100% of you and your kids tasks though. Right now you're adding in a grown man child who contributes nothing. Isn't he fantastic for collecting his child twice a week.... then fecking off for a bath. As of he hadn't just had ALL DAY to have a bath?

And unfortunately by allowing him to be in the house, knowing he's doing Sweet F All and that there will be chores for your mum to do... yes, that is somewhat on you too. Why doesn't your mum take the 9yo to her house the 2 days instead?

It's a very different story a single workimg mum who has her own mother helping occasionally compared to a grandmother coming in and doing chores while your lazy prick of a non contributing husband is sitting in a bath or painting a wall he's been looking at for 9 months.

Does his visual impairment mean he can’t see dirty versus clean? I have known a few visually impaired people that can’t clean because they literally can’t see what they are doing.

Similar for the office- does he need visual assistive technology that means he can’t job hunt from a laptop on the kitchen table?

Leave him a list with tick boxes on the table in the evening, and SHOW him what needs doing the next day.

You can make one for the full week showing what meals, laundry, which rooms need cleaning etc...

most people project manage a building project whilst working full time, so he needs to be doing most the housework.

Tell your mum to do nothing but play with the kids!

Also we are currently renovating and some days it is full on with the contractors asking questions, making decisions and keeping an eye on them. It’s not sweet F all the days they are here.

Yuck.
I'd drop him and move into my own.