To expect DH to do more of the housework if he's unemployed and I'm working full time?

[AnonymousMama87]

DH was made redundant last July. He was given 6 months pay and we were midway through having an extension built (which he wanted, for his office/gym and which I had been clear I didn't think was needed). His parents gave him the money for the extension. He has not even looked for work yet and it's now March. I have upped my hours from 30-37.5 and I commute 45-60 minutes each way. He does school runs in the morning, plus 2 pick ups (I do Friday as do condensed hours and my mum does the other pick ups). My mum is cleaning our house, spreading the washing etc on the days she picks up. I don't think this is fair on her. I'm also doing 80% of the housework. He has never cleaned a toilet for example, he has cleaned the bathroom floor on one occasion and he had to ring me and ask how. If I put washing on He says he'll try to hang it but usually "doesn't have time". He is managing the building works, doing bits himself like painting, and cooks on most of my work nights but will ask me what he's making, and expect me to get the ingredients etc. He does have a visual impairment which means he can't drive.

I'm getting so fed up, I also want him to get a job now as the redundancy money has run out and I'm getting stressed but he says he can't look until the office is finished as he doesn't have the headspace.

He's obviously struggling with all the stress.

Am I being unfair to insist he does more now I've upped my hours?

You will find a home big enough for you and the kids when you separate.
the finances will work.
you can sell a house where the building work is unfinished. Or get a builder in.

He won’t he a job , he doesn’t want to do any kind of work that is clear and once he has been out of the workforce it gets very hard to get back in.

it’s sad, it’s scary. It’s the best chapter of your life and you have a wonderful and supportive mother

Don’t forget their dad comes round to clean the house. Whilst the mother is at home.

Why have you let him get away with being such a lazy arse for so long? the person who is at home most does more housework be default unless they are physically unable somehow.
What a waste of space, he needs to get his arse in gear asap. Do not tolerate this any longer.

I've got a career suggestion for him: Clown.

He's stressed? What's he's stressed from?
How does he think the bills are being paid?

Am I missing something? That's literally what you said; these are your words. I've not shortened anything here.

Not wanting to derail this for the OP. It's probably better to agree not to agree.

He does struggle sometimes knowing whether something is clean.

He can use a computer easily and is a computer programmer.

I agree that the building project isn't easy ( your other reply). I just hope that when it's over things will change, it has dragged on and on.

I would've thought if that was the case then he couldn't see well enough to paint, or at least not to do it very well. OP correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect it's more along the lines on my friend who cannot see far enough to drive even with the strongest glasses they make, but can do almost anything else (when wearing said glasses) as she can see a few meters clearly.

He needs to pull his weight. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and tell him if he doesn't pull his weight you will need to consider leaving because you cannot do it all on your own.

Sounds like he is depressed but life goes on unfortunately when you have kids.

Your mum sounds like a lifeline for you as she can obviously see your drowning in work while he's twiddling his thumbs.

To add, my Father, (military, another country), had an aortic stenosis operation in 1993 and required three years on disability benefits, before he could go back to earning.
I'm an only child and my Mother was keeping the whole family, on a very good salary. Father took over basically the whole household, what he could do, and while physically resting, he educated himself more.
This man (turd) is beyond disgraceful.

Your mum is being lovely to clean your house, but this is misguided.
He is not working. He should clean your house.
If you were not working, it would be naturally expected that you took care of the cooking, cleaning, childcare and household admin. Now he is not working so this is his job - with your or your mum’s help on days when he has interviews.

Only a man would say he can drive, paint and snag building work but the only thing he can’t see is the difference between something being clean or dirty.

I wouldn't set him lists as that is even more work for you. But you could set out expectations eg tell him to print off the TOMM checklists and work through them every day. They are literally 45 minutes a day. You don't want your DC growing up thinking this is normal and that women are worth less and should therefore do more to please lazy/abusive men.

OP said he cannot drive.
He does have a visual impairment which means he can't drive.

I am just asking questions about the severity of the visual impairment. It may affect what he can or cannot do to an acceptable standard.

@AnonymousMama87 there are two approaches you can try. If you have a daughter, you can ask what he would be advising her if her husband was doing so little while she was doing all the things you’re doing, since the division of labour is so blatantly unequal. Some men can’t see how problematic their own behaviour is until you put it in that kind of context. Which is depressing, but it can shock them into changing things up if they’re generally thoughtless rather than actively sexist.

But my preferred method would be to create a note on my phone and log every household task I do, that my mum does, and that he does to create a master list of the things that are required to keep your household functioning. And with that in hand I would sit him down and ask him why he’s only doing a fraction of that when you’re working full time to support the family. You can soften it by saying that you also had to learn how to do all of this at one point, because it’s not genetically coded, and that you’re happy to show him what needs doing so he can feel confident and learn, but that things cannot continue as they are where he does very little and you exhaust yourself and rely on your mum to pick up his slack. Each of you needs to contribute according to your working hours and leisure time, where the leisure time should be equal.

My own husband was never taught by his mother to either cook or do housework, and he assumed for a long time that because I’m female I was taught by my mother. But I wasn’t. I had to read instructions on packets, think back to what I’d seen Mum do, and what I’d done when helping her. I learned. He now knows that he’s capable of learning just as I was. And if you’ve a master list to go off that shows what needs doing and how often, he can build a routine and start pulling his weight.

I would also consider whether there is a mental health issue at play following the redundancy, and whether he’s got a mental block about job applications as a result, as this is not uncommon. It doesn’t excuse what he’s doing, but it might be worth looking at him getting some counselling or coaching to help him back into the workplace. That’s secondary to the main issue because you can’t continue as you are and that needs fixing first, but it’s definitely one to look at when he’s pulling his weight.

We've had loads of building work done over the years OP and it can be very stressful but there has never been a need for one of us to stop working to organise it all. My DH works form home now mostly and does the washing and cleans the floors etc that in his breaks. I don't know how you put up with your DH. He would drive me mad

Then I would focus on him taking over jobs like laundry, where you know it’s clean and can feel it is dry. Or hoovering where all you need to do is ensure you’ve pushed it over every bit of the floor.

Do the meal planning together and he can order groceries online as he can’t drive. You said he is doing the cooking and bulk of school runs.

Oh honestly. I'm about to stop working temporarily (DC needs) and I will obviously be taking over all the housework as DH works full time. I know he will still do some bits because we are a team and his view is I'm stopping work to care for the DC not the house but there is no world in which I'd do nothing and expect him or even worse someone else to do everything around the house!

In addition, what were circs of his redundancy? Has he got a crisis in self confidence? 6 months severance and starting renovations must mean it was u expected in a job he’d had for years.

Perhaps he needs to contact a couple of agencies in IT and see if they can find him jobs to apply for.

OP if you want genuine advice it’s this.

DH I appreciate that for many years you were the breadwinner whilst I was at home. I am happy to take on that role now that your situation has changed for this short period of time.
when the DC were little I was managing to work part time, care for the children, which was harder when they were smaller, and take on the lion’s share of the household responsibilities.
This hasn’t been reciprocated by you.
I appreciate the building work you are undertaking, and see this the same as my prior part time work.
I know you are just as capable as me. I need you to step up.
I am going to ask my DM to take the kids to hers for the evening on her pick ups, so you have extra time to get on top of things.
You are now responsible for XYZ. I am not going to check, manage you etc. if the kids don’t have clean uniforms that is on you.

If you don’t feel capable of taking on any extra responsibility then you need to be financially responsible and get back to work.

you don’t get to have your cake and eat it.

this is non negotiable. It’s this or you can go to your parents, then it’s 1 less persons mess and 1 less person to financially support for me.

walk away, let him stew on it.
down tool, don’t clean, don’t have your mum there, let him figure it out

What’s the point of having him as a husband? Sounds like you have an extra kid

That's exactly what I said. What you said is completely different. You are missing comprehension.

Your working full time, he's Not working, he should be doing mostly all the housework and cleaning. I guess it's okay for your mum to help.a vit with laundry if he doesn't know how but you should be coming home and resting.

I really feel for you. Of course he should be doing most of the cooking, shopping (online, if he cannot access shops in person) and cleaning. He should very much be helping with homework and healthy snacks and keeping dc busy so they're off screens. A 12 and 9 year old can clean and do laundry, too. They can learn to cook. They need him to step up and teach them.

I would be looking, medium-term, for a way out. Not tomorrow or next month, but now that you have clocked who he is, you will never unsee it.

And just let your Mum help. He's a shit Dad and partner, your Mum loves you and is helping her baby.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation, OP, and I hope that you can make your way towards a future without him.

he needs to see the GP about his mental health and he should be doing most of the housework.

Well unless the equivalent of his previous salary is just going to fall out of the sky in duffel bags full of £50 notes I don't know what he thinks will happen?

He needs to at least start very determined, organised and aggressively seeking employment. It's not easy and he may need to take lower paid work at first but you can't afford to support the entire family.

You're totally reasonable to feel let down he's seemingly checked out of providing financially long term for your collective expenses.