To expect DH to do more of the housework if he's unemployed and I'm working full time?

[AnonymousMama87]

DH was made redundant last July. He was given 6 months pay and we were midway through having an extension built (which he wanted, for his office/gym and which I had been clear I didn't think was needed). His parents gave him the money for the extension. He has not even looked for work yet and it's now March. I have upped my hours from 30-37.5 and I commute 45-60 minutes each way. He does school runs in the morning, plus 2 pick ups (I do Friday as do condensed hours and my mum does the other pick ups). My mum is cleaning our house, spreading the washing etc on the days she picks up. I don't think this is fair on her. I'm also doing 80% of the housework. He has never cleaned a toilet for example, he has cleaned the bathroom floor on one occasion and he had to ring me and ask how. If I put washing on He says he'll try to hang it but usually "doesn't have time". He is managing the building works, doing bits himself like painting, and cooks on most of my work nights but will ask me what he's making, and expect me to get the ingredients etc. He does have a visual impairment which means he can't drive.

I'm getting so fed up, I also want him to get a job now as the redundancy money has run out and I'm getting stressed but he says he can't look until the office is finished as he doesn't have the headspace.

He's obviously struggling with all the stress.

Am I being unfair to insist he does more now I've upped my hours?

He is a nasty lazy arse.
Time to tell him its not a threat but a statement of fact.
But honestly I think it would bd better if you started to mske your plans quietly.
He's not a good man.
Shit husband and a shit father.

I did mention that I was burnt out and that if things don't change then I'd be considering divorce.. and he said "don't threaten me, threats don't work. I don't negotiate with terrorists" so I don't think that helped!

@AnonymousMama87 Well done for sitting down and talking to him. I really hope it works.

But I suspect you will have to apply A LOT more pressure if you want to see lasting change.

Don't be put off by the "terrorists" comment. It's a transparent attempt to intimidate you; when he says extreme things like that you need to push back. Say "do you think I'm a terrorist? I think that's a really nasty thing to say to me". And then go back to the point you were making about not being able to carry on the way things are.

'don't threaten me, threats don't work. I don't negotiate with terrorists" so I don't think that helped!'
from you I hope: 'I am not a terrorist I am your wife who you are letting down very badly.'
And as above, it's not a threat, it's a promise.

"I don't negotiate with terrorists" is a lazy soundbite he's picked up from social media, and the dripping contempt in that retort says everything about his view of you

@AnonymousMama87 Also, if he tries to pressure you for sex and he isn't pulling his weight / you don't want to sleep with him, don't be afraid to let him know that "I'm too tired today as I've had to cook the dinner which wasn't my task" or "I'm mentally drained as I had to tackle the overwhelming washload when I got home because you didn't attend to it, so I'm not in the mood"

If my husband said that to me after I had explained to him just how burned out I was and how inadequate his contribution was, I would be utterly disgusted with him. I would be utterly disgusted with the man you describe anyway, but that would be relationship ending time for me.

I don't think your husband is going to do anything to change, op. He is lazy, selfish, a poor parent, a poor husband and has no motivation to be anything else. He terms his partner a terrorist for telling him his neglect and selfishness have her considering ending the relationship... This is not a man who cares and respects you and is going to start behaving decently.

I would suggest marriage counselling. Preferably with a female counsellor.

Having to explain his side of things in front of another adult was a bit of a wake up call for DH.

I think he might have lost his confidence and mojo about ever getting another job.

Hi op he obviously got defensive when you mentioned divorce I would leave it for now see if he pulls his weight if not then you tell him your dropping your hours so if things get tight financially tough. You can’t be expected to do your job and house whilst he is basically doing fuck all and he’s not exactly hands on in the parenting department is he. Resentment will ruin your relationship eventually just see what he does after this chat but if you decide to divorce don’t tell him get everything in place first but just because his parents have helped with the extension it shouldn’t give him an out of work card for the foreseeable he’s taking the mick out of you and your mum who is obviously doing it to help you and not him he’s a waste of space.

It sounds good you’ve talked about him doing more @AnonymousMama87 and it is only fair he does. It is also reasonable that he might need to learn how to do some stuff. Nobody is born knowing the best way to change a headlamp bulb or what stain remover to clean a mark off a shirt. Best if your Mum doesn’t do chores unless agreed, so DH can learn and prwctise things you agree are ‘his’ vs ‘yours’ or ‘kids’’ or ‘mum’s’. Stick with it and enable him to do more rather than taking over because he ‘can’t’ or doesn’t do it perfectly.

Your husband should know that if you've been out of a job for a longer time, it's important you can show a possible new employer what you've been doing since you lost your last job. "Painting the walls in my new extension" never sounds as good as "I've been jobhunting and have the sollicitation letters to prove it".

You say that your DH has a visual impairment how does it affect his day to day life, does it makes it more difficult for him to find another job ?

That terrorist comment shows that he thinks you are not serious or that he won’t engage with what you are saying as a reality. Your job now is to ensure he believes it. But you should believe it too. You deserve way better than this. I appreciate you may be thinking there is no way you can make it work, but you really are doing most of it already. You are pulling in the wage to cover all the costs, you and your mum are picking up most of the slack on the housework. And you have a huge mental load caused by trying and failing to get him to get his shit together. You are very resourceful. You will find a way to make it work if you have to without him. Find your anger, he is taking the piss.

It’s actually pathetic that you’ve had to do this. He’s a grown man with a family, yet needs to be treated like a child. Still, I suppose there are lots of men out there similar to him.

I’ve managed 2 building projects (an extension and a large loft conversion), while working full time, while doing the school runs and carrying the mental load, and doing my fair share of the housework. What the hell is he doing all day that means he can’t hang up the washing and clean the bathroom, or run a hoover round, or clean the kitchen. Your mum needs to stop cleaning and your DH needs to step up!

I wonder what his parents think OP have you talked to them at all? Do they have influence over him? I also think he might be on the autistic spectrum. This doesn't excuse his behaviour but means you might have to tell him clearly what is expected of him, annoying I know. If he's been in IT he should be able to get work relatively easily but might need some retraining. Maybe his parents could pay for that!!
But as others have said he could just be a spoiled lazy arse. You could try cutting your work hours as PP have shggested to see what happens, and dont forget on divorce you would get at least half of everything inc house...

Yeah, the don’t threaten me comment would really have been like the rag to a bull for me tbh.

Indeed, promise not a threat.

He really doesn’t have any belief behind what you’re saying…. Kindly, do you often say things but not follow through on them? Has he just chipped away at your self esteem for years?

Kick him out? Take some time away while staying with family for a bit? Get your thoughts in order? Ducks in a row?

He needs a reality check/kick up the bum to wake him up!!

This.

that's actually quite concerning and it shows that he actually doesn't think you have the right to question him. Basically, what he's saying is that he will make it so hard fro you to ever ask him to do anything, by accusing you of all sorts, so that, ultimately, you'll stop asking him.

By the way, it's not a threat. It's an ultimatum.

He should be doing 100% of it

Its not a threat, just a statement of facts

Wow, your husband is a piece of shit. This still applies if he's depressed, if he's autistic, if he's got ADHD. He's not only seen evidence of you having run yourself ragged doing very nearly everything without making any effort to change things, but has then gaslit you when you've tried to spell this out to him. This is irreconcilable - he values your rest and free time far less than his and is perfectly content to see you suffer.

Please look at your options for leaving. Citizens' Advice Bureau may be able to explain how things could work financially. You say he's paid more into the house, but you worked part time for a long time when the children were small. This should be taken into account in any divorce proceedings, and you should absolutely be entitled to a share of his pension too if he's typically been the higher earner whilst you've worked part time. But please, get that legal advice on every aspect of this. Women's Aid may also be able to signpost. I'm so angry and heartbroken for women in your situation and you DO NOT NEED to put up with this abuse.