Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

Thanks, I am AuDHD not a bit on the spectrum (which is why my thinking may be more rigid) so good to know I “sound like a loon”.

Only if you make it a big deal to her. She is still safe. She just isn’t allowed to go into the bedrooms at her GF house.

She sounds controlling, sorry . I would be trying to have a chat with your dad alone if l were you make sure he is not being overruled in any other aspects. The pics coming down l think is awful, obviously she wouldn't want a life size wedding pic up of your mum and dad, but other family pics ?
Also l take it you can no longer stay there or she would be happy to show you the 'guest room' where you or your little girl or both would be staying presumably , if you were still welcome to stay ? Or has that been put a stop to also ?

I've only got half way through the thread, but WTF am I reading?

This is the child's grandparent's home! And yet virtually everyone so far has said that the OP and her child shouldn't feel at home there?

I consider my home to still be my children's home, even though they have homes of their own. They and their own children are welcome in every inch of it. My grandchildren have sleepovers in what was their mum's childhood room. They play with toys that belonged to their mum and their auntie. This is their second home and they love to visit me.

I'm widowed. Should I move a new partner in, they will not get to dictate where my children or grandchildren go in my own house.

She will learn that people are different do things differently hsve different rules and boundaries. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact it's good that she gets to understand that things you do are different elsewhere..
It's really not harmful. Have you never been to a friend's house where their way of life is different to yours? Not wrong, just different. Every family is different to the next. Understanding that will make her adaptable.

YANBU to feel the way you do. Personally, in her position, I’d have left that room alone. That said it’s her home now and you have no choice but to respect the rules. Maybe step back and let them visit you.

I dont think this in any respect is a healthy seed to place in the OPs mind. The situation is hard enough after losing a parent without disparaging the woman who has married into the family & no doubt also finds it uncomfortable at times. It may well be the OPs father who has removed the photos. There is not a day goes by when I dont think about my deceased parents although I find it upsetting seeing prominent photos of them or any other deceased relatives I miss greatly around my house. I keep my physical photos in a safe space to be looked at whenever I feel the need. I also have photos on my phone. If I was in the OPs situation I wouldn't expect to see photos of my fathers first wife around the house despite being more than happy to accept his love for her would always remain.

It’s a big leap to decide that your child will never have a close relationship with her grandparents on the basis of one gentle redirection away from private areas.

My mum died when I was 11,my dad remarried a few years later. He took important family photos of mum and gave them to me when he remarried. He said they were now mine. I don't find it unusual for that to happen. OP if you want personal items, things that are yours which you left in the house, just ask for them. Politely.

I think you're reading a lot into one mild hint. Yes, you're right that she didn't want you up there in that moment, but I'm not seeing any suggestion that your old bedroom is forever off limits to you.

The overall closed-door policy and not wanting visitors to just wander around the house is normal to me - I'm another who chucks mess into bedrooms when we host, and they're not child-proofed at all. If she's using it as a wardrobe she might not want toddler hands near expensive dresses without her supervision, or there might be medication lying around that she hasn't put away. (Or sex toys, or a diary, or electronics.)

Just ask in advance if it's OK to quickly show your daughter your old bedroom because it's a memory you cherish. That'll give her time to clear away any mess or private items, and child-proof it a bit. I can't actually imagine she'll refuse, though if she does you will have to suck it up.

It sounds like you didn't even ask! You can't just go wandering around upstairs in someone else's house nosing in rooms, it's disrespectful! Even if you used to live there.

It's probably messy and they didn't want you to see.

It sounds like you feel some sort of right or ownership over the house, but it is their home, not yours.

It’s not free rein though is it. He very reasonably just wants to show his child his old bedroom. Nothing wrong in that. I think it’s a nice thing to do. Maybe next time or when the child is a bit older they will ask if they can go see Daddy’s old room. Personally my grandchildren can go anywhere in my house, they’re very welco

Oh wow. Nice emotional blackmail. If DF and DSM don’t jump to your expectations, your child won’t have as strong a bond with them? Because your old room is now a wardrobe and not for public consumption?

You really need to grow up.

I suppose its up to your dad to decide this, as it's his house. Given he is going along with his wife's wishes, then I guess he has done. You could speak to him and tell him you'd like to go in there but do you really want to get into that, as she'll take you asking your dad to override her badly i imagine, and he will be in an awkward position. The room won't look, feel or smell the same now it's been repurposed so I don't think you'll get the feeling you're seeking. That's gone now. You could ask them if you could just show DD though.

@TravelDad when it was your bedroom and your safe space did you want other people in there?

Family photos, maybe you can ask your DF for them.

How would you feel if your DF moved?

I'm thinking that your mum died before your daughter was born Op?

Possibly before she even knew that you were going to be a father?

If so a lot of your feelings might be caught up in that.

It's very hard.

OP, just to perhaps reassure a little. We spent a lot of time visiting and staying with family when I was a child - we lived in a totally different area of the UK to quite a lot of the rest of the family. In those houses, most of them I’d say, as children we had free run in lots of places but not in the bedrooms of the people living in those houses, and not in eg the office space, unless we were in there on put up beds occasionally. It didn’t impact our feeling of belonging, connection, relaxation etc. - that was all from our relationships with the people in the house, and being at home in the areas we did spend time.

I’m just adding this in because it doesn’t necessarily mean a stilted or less complete relationship to have some areas off limits. It’s ok. Focus on the people relationships.

You also mentioned about your things and your mum’s things maybe in the loft - I don’t see any reason why you can’t talk with your dad and say “hey, there might be a load of my old stuff up there, and I’d love to see if there’s anything of mum’s too - next time I come round could I spend some time up there and take some of it away for you?”

You’re being a bit dramatic now op. It won’t harm your daughter’s development and her relationship with her grandparents unless you make it so. In fact, it’s probably no bad thing for kids to learn that there are different rules in different homes, and that’s not a reflection on them. You’re being shortsighted, this isn’t worth falling out with anyone over, it’s just a harmless difference of opinion and expectation.

Not really. They live with me, my bedroom is my only sanctuary, the handprints on my mirror drive me mental.

haven't RTFT but kindly OP get a grip! Do you honestly think a 2 YO is going to give a tuppenny damn about "this used to be Mummy's bedroom" Its not your house now, its not your bedroom. I sense that you disapprove of your father's new wife despite your saying that you get on well...I mean you dispprove because doors are kept closed? Get the pitchforks and flaming torches out!

My grandchildren are allowed to go into any room in my house which is their mother's childhood home. I like that they feel comfortable and able to do that.
It's sad that your child isn't allowed to but I guess some people are just more precious about their personal space.

I find all these responses saying they wouldnt go anywhere in their parents house with or without their children without being invited. I'd find that very strange like I was a visitor in my own family. Would make me feel very on edge.
My parents downsized from my childhood home and when my DS and I go over we can go anywhere in the house. I often wander to one of the upstairs rooms they use as a storage room come reading room as it gets the afternoon sun, or into my parents room to look out of the window as it has a lovely view. One of my parents will usually come and join me for a chat. Thats just normal family.

I’d feel the same OP my 2 year old has free reign at
my mum and dads and we have a complete open door policy. I’d be devastated for this to change if one of my parents passed and for someone new to be making the rules in my childhood home. Rightly or wrongly that’s how I would feel

Actually it’s how YOUR family does things. Some families have different rules. It’s not like the SM kicked off, the house belongs to her and the OPs father and the child will not be bothered about daddy’s old bedroom unless the OP makes a big deal of it.

Plus it sounds like only the ceiling is remaining.

It isn’t his parents - it is his father and step mother. Perhaps the SM doesn’t want her SS and his daughter in her private space esp as the OP is very judgy about the doors being shut etc.

I am assuming you are exaggerating when you say devastated?