Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta no I’d be devastated. Maybe you haven’t been as lucky as me in having a lovely welcoming family home

So a grandchild and a child (adult child) aren’t allowed into what once was a children’s bedroom?!!! What is everyone saying here! Shocking to me and I go to stay at my parents’ home in my old childhood bedroom allllll the time and so does my child, their grandson! It’s still my bedroom!!!

Exactly this

What ONCE was a child’s bedroom - now it’s the dressing room.

@BajaBaja but it’s not his bedroom anymore.

If your parents got a lodger/guest who was using your old bedroom would you still demand to be able to go in/see it? Or a younger sibling using it.

How would some posters on here cope if their parents sell their childhood home?

Actually I have. But I’m also aware that you can have a loving family and also respect people’s privacy.

Maybe you haven’t been as lucky as me in having a fabulous family and respect for others’ private property.

Wonder how OP would have coped if his dad had moved into new wife’s home instead?

Just fine, based on his reasonable responses here, even in response to quite harsh replies.

Also, it would be irrelevant given it wouldn’t be his childhood home, of course…

Don’t know why many have turned you into a her but I think you’re being overly sentimental about a bedroom. Surely your two year old could care less, she’s just exploring. I think it’s more important that you teach the two year old that the upstairs is off limits. If you want to have a look at your old room just ask. Don’t let this create unnecessary friction in your family. It’s not worth it.

That’s totally missing the point here.of course if there’s a lodger it’s a different story, but in OP’s case there isn’t.

No, they’re not allowed. Evidently.

It was his bedroom. It no longer is. No matter the sentimental attachment, it isn’t his house.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta no you are missing the point I would respect it but I would be upset by another woman moving into my mums home and changing how our family usually are. I would respect it but it would upset me and that’s ok as they are my emotions. The OP sounds entirely reasonable.

It wouldn’t be ok in our home or any home I know of to be honest. I never ever let my kids go through any family rooms / bedrooms unaccompanied. Didn’t do it in my parents house either.

That’s such a sad way to view things, my childhood home is thankfully still my home. Regardless of the fact I haven’t lived there for the past 25 years. And my child will be welcome in his grandparents’ home for as long as they’re alive and kicking.

I imagine lots of sobbing and shaking.

and being devastated......

It's really not going to affect her bond. She will just learn that different places have different rules and stick to the lower areas of the house. Nothing wrong with that. It won't make her less or more close.

I don't think your child will have any interest in your childhood bedroom either, since it's not set up like it was then. It's just a room to her.

Not missing the point at all. The OP is entitled to be a bit upset but his post was all about how his child won’t be close to his DF and SM because she isn’t allowed to go into a room that has now been repurposed. And how gutted the child will be because she can’t go in.

There are many reasons why they may not want people to snoop around there and that’s up to them.

Yes! How dare they close the bedroom doors - and then apparently the SM is controlling and is a cocklodger 🤣

🤷🏻‍♀️

Be sad about it if you like, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.

Your parents may give you free access, but it isn’t something you’re entitled to have. OP and OP’s child are both welcome in the house, they’re just not welcome to have free rein of it.

Your 2 year old is not free to go anywhere and everywhere and explore in other people's homes. Even if it's your old childhood home. Those are pretty normal boundaries. You have the issue here, not a 2 year old.

Setting reasonable boundaries about a 2 year old exploring another person's home is unlikely to affect her emotional bond with her grandfather unless you make it an issue.

It's not your home. It's likely not childproofed. That's safety. It doesn't look the same. People are allowed to have privacy. She needs to learn different places have different rules.

We keep doors shut because we have radiators and that keeps the rooms warmer while lowering the heating and cooling bills. They also might be shutting doors to protect their privacy.

For those saying everyone should have free rein in their childhood home/parents’ house, do you respect your child’s privacy in their bedroom or do you think you can invade their private space whenever

It's not a "closed door policy" its just that most people shut doors behind them as they leave for all kinds of reasons, drafts, privacy, an untidy room, heating, air conditioning (though maybe not in the UK) - it's standard to just shut a door behind you when leaving the room.

It is not standard to let your children wander through other people's houses though, and you should encourage your child not to do that as a lot of people would not want you and your child in other parts of their house.

I'd just politely ask if you can show your child your old bedroom if it means a lot to you.

This sounds horribly cold and I’d be so sad about this. I never go upstairs in other peoples homes when visiting unless invited to generally, but parents (both mine and DH’s) are an exception to this. They still feel like our homes. And it works both ways, when grandparents visit our house they spend a lot of time upstairs, as the DC love taking them into their rooms to play.