Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

Well firstly my children love having people in their rooms. If they are in there getting dressed or whatever I will knock of course, but I wouldn’t expect to be denied access for any length of time, no.

But that’s beside the point - OP isn’t interested in going into her stepmother’s bedroom. She’s talking about spare rooms and offices.

We have no idea if it wasn't a joint decision by father and stepmother to redesignate the rooms. As they are now an office and wardrobe I can understand why they don't want others in their. As ever it's the wicked stepmother who gets the flack.
I do wonder when something ceases to belong to a person. Particularly when that individual has their own home and would moan like mad if stepmother took it upon herself to inspect their property. (not the same as here I realise but it seems to be a common theme).

Obviously it's different with your children, as you say they are inviting their grandparents to join them.

As for your parents, are you saying that during a visit, if you were sitting with them in the lounge or kitchen chatting and having a cuppa or whatever, you'd just get up and wander off upstairs? Because that's what OP and their baby did. And it was gently pointed out to them that there nothing of interest to the child up there, they weren't told they were forbidden to ever climb the stairs for the rest of their lives.

Many posters on MN have a huge issue if MIL wanders into their bedroom and has a look round, view it as their private space. But it appears parents of adult DC are never allowed private space in their home, these DC are allowed to go everywhere.

As an adult I wouldn’t wander off mid conversation that would be weird, but obviously it’s natural for toddler to want to explore and not just sit with the adults. And I would of course follow the toddler about to keep an eye on them. If we were in a friends or acquaintance house then I had no great difficulty in distracting them away from the stairs, but I would find it strange to feel I had to do this in my childhood home also. Parents and in-laws don’t live nearby so visits tend to be long - even more unreasonable to expect a toddler to restrict themselves to one room. My Children are slightly older and currently love a whole-house game of hide and seek. My in-laws have even left DH’s room much as it was when he lived there (20 years ago!) and the children love discovering DH’s old stuff. My dad has an upstairs office that features a large jar of sweets on the desk to attract visiting grandkids.

But then we are very close and relaxed with both my and DH’s parents. OPs relationship with her dad sounds a bit formal. I think it’s the inevitable consequence of acquiring a step parent as an adult. Everyone I know in that situation has found it uncomfortable at best.

Where has OP said she wants to go into her parent’s bedroom?

YABU why would you want your child to wander around someone's house. They may see it simply as an overstepping privacy. Personally I am a messy person and don't like people seeing my mess as well. I think you are being strange about this.

@ProfessionalPirate the room is now used by the stepmother as a dressing room

The OP is male, his former bedroom is now a wardrobe /dressing room. To me that indicates it's a personal space.

She’s being completely unreasonable, it’s your childhood bedroom and the house you grew up in. When my kids go to my dad’s house (who also remarried about 7 yrs ago) they love exploring and it’s nice for them to see where I grew up. It would be very strange if they weren’t allowed in any of the bedrooms (apart from their bedroom maybe). Maybe talk to your dad and he could speak to her about it

It’s not just “someone’s house” it’s his kids’ granddad’s home and his childhood home. I can see why she might not want them going into their bedroom but it’s a bit weird not allowing access to any of the upstairs rooms to her husband’s own son. Fair enough if it was once or twice when it was extra messy and I get not wanting a 2 yo in there unsupervised but I don’t see the problem with the OP showing his kid the room.

The child is two. Its utterly meaningless to them unless the OP has made a big deal of seeing “his” room to the child.

The room has been repurposed as a walk in wardrobe. How many of you would be happy to have one of your husband’s male relatives wandering around your wardrobe and clothes just because they want to?

I’m also a widow, still in the family home, no plans to ever remarry. My DC will always be welcome including for a prolonged stay if needed. However all the children’s bedrooms have been revamped and some repurposed since they left home. Not to mention a room which was ideal for a teen is not necessarily the best option for a couple and baby/child when visiting. It is my home, not a museum maintained in aspic so that a two year old can be told “daddy slept here” and “oh look at Daddy’s posters on the wall” for the odd visit.

I also keep the doors closed upstairs - both for heating zone efficiency and because I don’t keep every room toddler safe now that I have no children permanently resident..

I know that step mothers are the spawn of evil on MN but really this woman is living in her own home with her husband and is entitled to keep her wardrobe private from visitors - however long they lived there in the past. I also think that suggestions that the woman only married the DF for his money/home and is manipulative and has too many clothes are both unpleasant and sexist.

Well plainly its not obvious when the thrust of the thread is that the man who used to live in the house has priority of the woman whose home it is currently, that she should be preserving “his” bedroom and not be allowed to keep her own wardrobe private.

My children's homes have never been my home. So that's a false equivalence.

ETA that when my children lived with me, as they got older I'd always knock before going into their room.

I wouldn't go into their bedrooms without their knowledge, now that they have their own homes. My grandchildren take me to their own bedrooms though.

But my kids and grandkids in my home? They can go wherever they like. It's my family home and they're my family still.

@saraclara I probably didn't make it clear that I meant a child's bedroom whilst they are still living in the family home, but also interesting to see what people feel about when visiting their adult child's house.

Does seem that some people think parents can never have private space in their house, once they have kids that's it, no privacy whatsoever. Even if adult DC have left home years ago.

I always feel bedrooms are people's private space, even from other member's of the family.

I don’t view a spare room used to house wardrobe overflow in the same light as a bedroom/attached dressing room. Most people store a few things in spare rooms.

Where would OP sleep if he was to stay the night? But I’m guessing that won’t be permitted now.

So glad I don’t have any step-parents!

I said up thread that different families do things differently. You don't see it as a dressing room. I do. I wouldn't go looking around my childhood bedroom, because it's no longer mine. As I said when I moved out my sister took it over.
Different people do things differently. There isn't an absolute right or wrong. The stepmother doesn't want people in what she considers to be a personal space. That's fine.
FWIW, I did have a stepmother, we got on fine, I respected the way she did things in her home, and she respected the way I did things in my home.

Im close to parents and in-laws. Iv never gone traipsing around their upstairs woth any of my kids as toddlers. They didn't need to be upstairs. As they got older they would hang out in guestrooms but both grandparents bedrooms were off limits - they are private.
I wouldnt want anyone in my bedroom

My own kids arnt allowed in my bedroom, never have been since they went into their own rooms.

Of course families do things differently, some ‘families’ don’t even talk to each other! But I retain my right to think that it all sounds very cold and distant in comparison to the very close relationship DH and I have with our immediate family.

Both my parents and in-laws love it when we come to stay and the kids pile into their bedroom in the mornings and they cuddle up reading books. They remind them about it at bedtime! And are only to aware that soon the time will come when they are too grown up to do so 😢

This thread has been a bit of an eye opener. Feeling more appreciative than ever of my lovely parents and in-laws.

Oh good grief - the woman has committed the sin of having a walk in wardrobe whilst being a step parent to adult children. Lets string her up and be done with.

Its her home. Another bedroom has been repurposed as an office - obviously the father should have kept the house unchanged and his new wife should live in a shed in the garden.

Of course the DF has also made these decisions but so much easier to blame the woman with the temerity to make use of a spare room than to blame either of the men in this scenario.

My parents used to have their small GDC in their room (and bed) with them in the early mornings when we or my siblings stayed.

That is is not remotely comparable to a woman being asked to open up her wardrobe to an unrelated adult man on the grounds that its his “right” by virtue of having grown up there.

I’m not blaming the woman. The DF chose to remarry and these are his DC / GDC. Keeping some clothes in a wardrobe in the spare room does not = walk in wardrobe. If the only viable spare room in the house has truly been taken over to the extent that OP / his family wouldn’t now be able to visit overnight then yes, that is out of order.

My post was a direct response to the pp that I quoted. There is no need to extrapolate meaning beyond that.

I think, considering you were staying in/chilling in this room until relatively recently, it’s fine to ask your dad (not his wife) what’s changed and whether you understood correctly that it’s now off limits.