Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

as an adult I’ve never gone upstairs in anyone’s house. My in laws had their toilet upstairs so that’s a bit different. Or equally I’ve been “invited” upstairs to look at mother in laws new dressing table or something.

I have a 3 yr old granddaughter and she’s roams all over my house, I have no issue with it. Her dad only lived here a year or two, and whilst not his childhood home, I have no issue with him or partner going upstairs. It doesn’t look the time that he left it but I have no issue with him going up there and he doesn’t need to ask permission.

My bil went to toilet upstairs one Christmas which I found both weird and horrifying! We were hosting Christmas, upstairs was a mess, the laundry pile was huge in the upstairs bathroom and I just can’t fathom to this day why he couldn’t wait to use the downstairs toilet. I have no issue with my kids and grandkids going upstairs but not other people.

I see both sides of the coin really in your dilemma. Whilst it’s her house now with own private things upstairs, I presume you just want to see your childhood room and no other rooms, so can’t see the harm in that. What’s in there that’s so special and private? I gave a dressing room and what will you find? Mine just has clothes, jewellery and make up in it 🤷‍♀️ . Is she an untidy person? Maybe she’s mortified at how untidy it is?

have you asked your dad if you can see it?

From your post:
So glad I don’t have any step-parents!

There is only one step parent here to take your blame.

You also assume the OP cannot stay there any more. Well apart from the fact that he has long since left home, married, has at least one child and is still only an hour away - there is still a guest room in the house. From the OP’s first post four bedrooms are implied - one parent/step parents, one guest, one office, one repurposed as a wardrobe (also from the OP’s first post).

So there is still somewhere to stay if the hour journey homes proves overwhelming.

Again you are making negative assumptions triggered by the arrival of the new wife which suggest you haven’t even read the OP.

And I'm going to repeat. Different families do things differently. If I eat at 12.30 every day for example that's how I do it. If you eat at 1.00 pm then that's OK. Neither is right or wrong.
In this case it doesn't make it unfriendly that she wants some privacy. My bedroom is mostly off limits to my adult kids, who live with me, it's my own space with things I like there. The rest of the house is for all of us.
Accepting that different people do things differently stops silliness.

To add if my kids are in their own rooms, then I don't go in. I knock if I need to convey something urgently. Otherwise I respect their privacy in their own rooms.

I am glad I don’t have step parents, but if I did and it affected my relationship with my biological parents, I would 100% be blaming the latter for it. Can you please stop trying to meanings into my statements that simply aren’t there?

You also assume the OP cannot stay there any more
I haven’t assumed, but have suggested it as a possibility. Which it is. The OP would need to confirm. He states that he has been denied access to all upstairs rooms, including the guest room, so you can’t conclude that he would definitely be welcome to stay there overnight. Sometimes - shocking as this may sound - adult children and particularly grandchildren like to stay over with grandparents for fun, not just necessity. But I wouldn’t expect you to get your head around that as it doesn’t sound like you have experience of that sort of relationship.

I will also repeat. Some of the relationships described on this thread sound awful to me. I am allowed to hold that opinion. You are also allowed to think that the relationships I have described with my own family sound overly familiar. That’s fine.

But just to be clear, we aren’t talking about adult children helping themselves into their parent’s bedroom. I wouldn’t ever walk into my mum and dad’s bedroom without knocking, but when I visit I do spend time in there with my mum chatting, swapping makeup etc. Obviously I wouldn’t expect a mother-son relationship to be like that and I wouldn’t expect the OP to enter his step-mother’s bedroom. However he is being denied all access to the upstairs, which seems very cold and formal to me.

My bil went to toilet upstairs one Christmas which I found both weird and horrifying!

Seriously? I find your response to that, weird!

No the SM said there was nothing of interest up there. She didn’t bar entry.Presumably she doesn’t want her SS and his toddler poking into her wardrobe/dressing room.

It sounds like the only original part of the room is the ceiling anyway so what would be the point? The OP’s child is not going to suffer for not seeing it.

Phrases like ‘closed door policy’ are needlessly dramatic. Closing rooms to private areas is normal and fine.

I voted YABU. It's home now and not yours, but I can understand why it bothers you. It would bother me too in your position, and I wouldn't like it either. Not much you can do about it though.

He clearly knows about it so unless the OP wants to be seen as stirring things up, what’s the point?

Like it or not, the SM lives there and it’s not for him to undermine her in her own home.

The OP said he felt it was meant as a clear instruction not to go up there. As we weren’t there ourselves to judge tone etc we can only go by his judgement.

I’m not sure the OP has described what changes have been made to the room but I’m guessing it’s not so much about the room itself but the principal of it and the way he is made to feel when he visits - like distant acquaintances rather than close family.

Why? We have a downstairs toilet? We’re not besties, we don’t know each other well, why couldn’t he wait for the toilet to be free downstairs? How long are people in the toilet for, a couple of minutes?

I was horrified by the amount of dirty laundry in there, I had accounted for anyone needing to go upstairs, there were probably my knickers/dis pants etc on the top!

we’re all different. I find it weird that you don’t find that weird!

I think where OP went off the rails a bit was here.

Most importantly, she will know that she is safe, free and welcome to explore (yes, with supervision). This is exactly the dynamic we have with DW's parents.

OP never said whether the home was childproofed. It likely isn't. That's a safety issue. And lots of people don't want 2 year olds "exploring" their homes.

With DF and his wife, she will learn that she is not free or welcome and has to be kept from going upstairs and as such will not develop as strong a bond to them as her grandparents on DW's side.

Here, OP literally says their kid won't develop a strong bond with his dad because the toddler isn't free to go running around the whole house including bedrooms and a home office and doors being shut to keep on heat and possibly A/C is unwelcoming. That's a crock. OP obviously has an issue with the changes his dad and wife have made in their home, not being able to let their kid free range in someone else's home, and this last bit about the bond comes off really odd.

OP says there is a guest room, so assume he would sleep there if necessary

If we gave family staying in guest room, I would always check if I can come in if I need something from there

If a 2yo went roaming around upstairs in our house they would find cleaning materials easily accessible in the bathroom, medication not locked away in some of the bedrooms and important documents in the upstairs study.

Well apparently he used to look at the ceiling (because he says he is ‘a bit on the spectrum’, whatever that means).

The room is now a wardrobe/dressing room so it’s safe to assume there isn’t much of his old childhood room left.

Whether or not he approves of the ‘closed door policy’ or the reluctance to let him and his kid wander into rooms that are private, that is the situation. I’m sure he wouldn’t like someone coming into his house and poking around areas that he considers private.

I doubt him sleeping over will be an issue in future

I think it’s the truth, the DF is unlikely to develop a close bond with his GC. It doesn’t sound like he has the DC over on his own at all, and isn’t likely to in the near future. Just these sad little formal visits occasionally where the GC has to be restricted from behaving like a normal toddler.

You are not family anymore, you're guests.

It's unfortunately what happens when men re-marry. His wife is more important than his children, she rules the roost, and he's too weak to say anything.

Pretty much every widowed man I've ever known.

Or in fact taught that different houses have different rules. They are hardly putting the child in a cage - just stopping her going into private areas of the house. The child is only going to care if the OP makes a big deal of it.

That's really depressing. Though I imagine that you're right.

I've chosen not to look for another partner since my DH died, but there's no way that I'd let anyone move in with me who didn't accept that my family is my family, and that my home will always be theirs, too. Even if they don't live there any more.

And that's a very fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to this. Statistics show how fast men re-marry after being widowed, whereas women usually don't as they have strong social and family networks. Men just rely on the woman in their life to do that for them.

I'm at an age where a lot of my friends/people my age, we are starting to lose our parents and this scenario is being played out over and over. It's really sad.

Why is everyone acting lit she’s the wicked SM for not wanting people poking through her stuff?

Or he’s 1, in agreement with her, or 2, happy to compromise on such a minor thing for his wife in what is now their shared, marital, house. Either way, he’s a grown ass man that could have opposed the change if he wanted to.

The narrative that men are weak and that a manipulative woman is always to blame is really quite tedious.

No-one would be poking through her stuff. OP just wants to show his child his old bedroom.

Having said that, he's not actually asked or taken it any further than accepting a 'there's nothing of interest up there'.