AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

The trouble with favours like this is that they have a tendency to become bigger or have unforeseen consequences. Then someone has to say 'I can't do this any more' and further hurt is caused by the retraction of the original favour.

Not saying that this would with your son, who I'm sure has the best intentions; but as an oldie like your friend's parents, I have seen it happen too many times... So 'No favours' has to become a blanket policy rather than a personal rebuff.

I've also learned to be wary of any request that includes the words 'But it would only be...' because life happens and things change.

OP, how big are these leaflets? You can get foldable pull-along boxes (google pull along box) in many different sizes that don’t remotely give the “shopping trolley” vibe. As for having a box at the front of my property “a few days a month”, I’m not going to lie, I wouldn’t be keen.

This is what I thought too.
I would wish your son all the very best, but I wouldn't want to put my elderly mother in potentially volatile situation if the box leaked or the leaflets got otherwise disturbed or damaged and caused a problem for/with your son.

Yes the box would have to big enough to hold 800 magazines, it’s not a small box.
Ok it’s only there for a few days a month but if someone (probably the OP) has to drive to put the box there and stock it up then drive back and collect the box why is it more hassle to just meet him somewhere with the magazines on the delivery day?
If he doesn’t want a trolley get him a push along/pull cart.

If the friends parents didn’t live along the route what would he do? Presumably he didn’t take the job because there would be somewhere to store magazines so just do what you would have done if there was no parents house on the route

OP, there are all sorts of trolleys out there, he doesn't have to have a granny style one - although I gather they are quite popular among students for getting their shopping.

This one looks quite good for leaflets

www.amazon.co.uk/Folding-Portable-Shopping-Foldable-Easy-Grip/dp/B08963D73C?source=ps-sl-shoppingads-lpcontext&ref_=fplfs&psc=1&smid=A2C259Q0GU1WMI

What's wrong with you driving to meet him with more leaflets? You'd have to drive to leave the leaflets at the other house anyway, so I don't actually see the point of this.

YOU should help your child, not some other random people.

This would absolutely have been my in laws. They would have worried about it constantly, tried to move it if it was raining, reported back to me and DH constantly if anything happened involving the box or your son no matter how minor, fretted if he moved it, fretted if any leaflets got loose. It's so hard wanting to make this happen for him, OP, I get it, but you cannot underestimate how anxious this sort of apparently minimal task can make a certain type of person.

this - i would not want a load of leaflets at the end of my drive/garden.

I personally think that you are being unreasonable.

There is no need for this to be put on your friend, her parents etc. As much as YOU think that this isnt an issue, it might be for your friends parents. My parents would have said yes to this but, I know that it would have played on their minds, they had health issues, brain issues etc etc (that you might not bee privy to), so if someone had asked me then i would have said no too on their behalf.

How would he keep refilling the box? Or would it be a base for the 800 magazines for him to keep going back 8 times a day to refill his bag?

A lot of people round where i live have a trolley that they put their flyers etc in and walk around with a bag and just refill their bag.

I used to do a paper round and couldn't carry all the papers at once. A trolley is definitely an answer, or if he can cycle he could have a tiny trailer.

I had one like this. Not 'embarrassing'. https://amzn.eu/d/0bRnqteQ

I wouldn't agree to your request either, sorry.

So he can carry 120. Is this in a backpack/newspaper sack? Yes a trolley is the answer, the company may have a spare for him to use, has he asked them? I can’t see what’s embarrassing about a company trolley, shopping trolleys yes maybe, but a proper newspaper trolley is part of the job I’d have thought.

Honestly, it could be nothing to do with your son. Have you read any of the driveway disputes on here? The neighbour walks on my driveway, should I stone them to death? The neighbour swings their car across the bottom 5cm of my driveway, should I be charging them for wear and tear?

I'm not talking about people parking on someone's driveway, but it seems like Mumsnet has a breed of people who never open the door and live in fear of someone touching their driveway. Maybe your friend just knows that her parents are like this and that the mere idea would give them a conniption.

Preserve the friendship and just assume the parents are odd about their driveway.

Yes my mum would be like this, she would be talking about the box constantly

Also a random box at the end of someone’s drive near the street full of stuff..there’s people around who would open the box, damage the box, steal the box, there’s no guarantee the box with all the magazines would even be there for him to deliver

Some people won't help others, sadly. I can see why you are upset.

OP you're taking this too personally, we can only give our views based on the limited details that we know.

At the end of the day though the friend has said no so an alternative option is required. I'd be getting him to look at newspaper delivery trollies and seeing what is available, it doesn't have to look like an old ladies shopping trolley.

The other thing you could do is do a drop for him and just leave bagged leaflets on the pavement in quiet or slightly secluded spots for him to pick up as he goes - rather than having to be on call for when he gets to the end of his leaflets. There is a slight risk with that but worth considering, I know newsagents that do it with newspapers.

Maybe give him the two options and let him decide?

It’s not up to your friend to grant or not grant this favour, is it? It’s not her house and not her decision.

Op, when you say violent, is that to himself or others? If it is to others, maybe your friends is weary?
Otherwise a box of leaflets once a month at the front of a large garden wouldn't bother me, if they were at front of property next to gate/over garden wall. I don't know the set up. Sorry, I've probably missed it.

Edited to say, if the parents have said no, it isn't your friend's fault. You don't really know what was said.

What about this beach/camping/festival trolley, it even has drink holders and it's collapsible, so wouldn't need a lot of space to store from month to month.

Folding Camping Wagon Collapsible Beach Garden Trolley Buggy Shopping Cart 212L

My mum and stepdad would be the same. My mum frets about having neighbours parcels for more than 5 minutes never mind a box at her house.

This.

Can your DS use a shopping trolley - the "old lady" sort? That's what leaflet deliverers around here do

I don't suppose your son is in to anything themed is he? I was just wondering if a beach type pull along trolley that's been personalised might be an option? So it's more a statement than an embarrassment? If he's artistic he could even spend a bit of time changing it up every month. I realise this might be his worst nightmare, but it was just a thought.

You sound really arsey that people don’t agree with your idea about this box. Ultimately you want the box there so you don’t have to drive to meet him with the magazines, so you can’t really be bothered to help him but are getting annoyed at all and sundry for not helping him.
Although it still doesn’t make sense as you’ll be doing box drop offs and pick ups anyway so just drive to meet him with more magazines

I am sorry to hear this. You have said your son is violent, and at 19, he’s not a child. Presumably your friend doesn’t want to put her parents at risk, or they don’t want to he put at risk. Her response is reasonable and you need to accept it. You’ll need to find another way. Can he use a pull along cart / trolley of some kind or spread out the work over more than one day?

I know it’s hard but I really would try and let him sort it himself. It’s very infantilising to be an adult and have your mum saying what about this trolley or I’ve asked Julie if we can use her mums driveway etc. Micromanaging.
Being able to organise his own little job and take pride in it is very important. Obviously be there to assist if needed but he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility.

This favour is not your friend’s to give. I can see it’s the sort of favour that will grow - can he nip to the loo, would they take the box in if it rains, if someone takes it he’ll be knocking on their door, what if the lid comes off and the leaflets blow all over the road.
The solution is a trolley regardless of if he thinks it’s embarrassing. That’s on him and not someone else.

It’s not a small favour and you’d be unreasonable to be annoyed at your friend.
Your son has taken a job without sorting out the practicalities first and that’s for him to resolve and not your friend.