to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

I hear you and agree OP. Parenting has because too soft with low expectations. It’s the children who lose out.

Bit of a naive question here but can a young adult claim UC if they’re being selective in jobs? Don’t they have to accept any job before getting benefits?

It seems crazy to me, if you’re a hard worker, generally you’ll do well anywhere. Work your way up in a supermarket chain, shop, start in admin and diversify after a few years.

Everyone wants the fancy job, fancy car, designer clothes NOW without realising a lot of low level work needs to happen first.

I completely agree with you.

As an adult diagnosed as autistic and ADHD in my 40s I now understand who I am, and work with my brain not against it.

I've always pushed myself and still do, but now I make adjustments, plan and pace better, etc and am less emotionally hard on myself.

My eldest was diagnosed young but I've never made it a huge negative thing, more this is how your brain works and we can work with it to live your best life kind of thing.

My autistic son couldn't work either, apart from volunteering once a week

No they don't have to accept any job before they get benefits - why would they need benefits if they were in a full time job. The conditions are that they have to fulfill their claimant commitment depending on what work group they are in.

Its an absolute myth that hard work gets you any job. Tell that to people who apply for hundreds of jobs before getting an interview

I live in an area where hundreds of people chase one vacancy

I don't have any car. Fancy clothes. Fancy job. Being on Uc isn't easy for a lot of people

Possibly they’ve realised that they don’t actually have to work. Stay at home and wait until mum and dad pop their clogs then inherit several hundred thousand pounds and live on that…

Yeah but they'll be old by the time that happens. It's not much of a life to be sat around waiting playing computer games and counting down the days until your parents die.

That's OK if you have rich parents but not so good if you live in a council flat 🙄

I don't have any car. Fancy clothes. Fancy job. Being on Uc isn't easy for a lot of people

Youngsters starting out don't have those things (or they certainly didn't in the past). A job was something you did to survive. Only if you progressed your career did the nice things appear.

The younger generation have high expectations and entitlement without the graft. Then they wonder why they don't succeed. Address this issue first.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cm2rmjnlm94o

Have you not seen the situation with jobs for young people OP?

While I’m sure some of these adult DC are taking the piss, many are desperate to get a job but can’t.

Even my 16yo DC can’t get a weekend job in hospitality at the moment - she must have tried 15-20 places.

She says she would rather claim UC than compromise her ‘career goals’ and work in hospitality or retail. Meanwhile perhaps her course mate who took a reception job at an international hotel chain has now managed to secure a role in their head office etc.
I know job market is tough but some don’t help themselves.

I suffer with depression, anxiety and ADHD which can be crippling at times and makes life very difficult. I still work however as it’s important to make the effort and contribute to society. I acknowledge that some people suffer with very limiting conditions that mean working isn’t possible but I believe that a vast number of people with disabilities can do some form of work and if you are able to then you should.

This article neatly discusses some of the very issues we have been talking about here!

"Charlotte is now claiming universal credit, which she says is a last resort.
Despite this, she does not want to compromise her goal of working in her chosen career, saying there would be "no progression" in other entry level jobs in retail or hospitality."

Trina Rodden from youth unemployment charity The Shaw Trust says they have seen a real increase in young people having self-confidence issues and anxiety, partly due to the pandemic.
"It can either be as extreme as young people that just won't leave their bedroom," she said.
"They just don't want to leave, they're very isolated, and they're totally disengaged."

Morjaria warns that "long-term unemployment early in life can cause lasting damage to earnings, health and life chances".
"Allowing young people to leave education and drift straight into the welfare system risks permanently scarring a generation," she added.

And I think some of these recommendations support getting young people out to work, to earn in the here and now and to value any work experience over stellar grades at the expense of life experience:

Chief economic opportunity officer, Aneesh Raman, has this advice:
AI literacy: Know what it is, what it does, what tools you should be using, and the ways those tools can help you be more impactful
Focus on people skills: Those are actually your core survival skills right now, because AI cannot beat them
Show your achievements: Your degree still matters, but employers increasingly want evidence that you can build, experiment and solve problems
Do not obsess over long-term plans: Instead have a today plan. For decades we told people to map out their careers years in advance but the reality is the jobs that will exist five or 10 years from now are still being invented.

Theres so much careers support at uni but maybe it isn’t blunt enough. If Charlotte was my dd she’d be told to forget her silly nonsense that retail and hospitality have ‘no progression’ Get any job and volunteer eg on a committee organising a community event.
She’ll still be applying for her dream role next year. Meanwhile another girl will have worked in retail/hospitality, perhaps been promoted to a supervisor and volunteered so has lots of experience dealing with public, paperwork, team work etc. Girl two will always pip Charlotte to interview as she has transferable skills and not a big red flag of a year doing nothing on her cv.

I do wonder if some Yp naively think life is all instagram or LinkedIn perfect and don’t speak to people or look at how people have arrived at roles.
I was speaking to students at my old uni recently, I explained how I’d got foot in door and my career and they were surprised eg I mentioned working for very low pay for 5 months but that experience got me my trainee role and was a big help in terms of skills I developed. What got me the low paid role was working as a student in a sausage factory.

same way I make them do things now!

My autistic eldest son (went to special school, then FT 1-1 in mainstream, significant behavioural and emotional problems) has worked his whole way through uni and a masters

autism like being NT comes in many shades, it does not automatically mean unemployable

Don't think she did. She wrote about her experience, which is valid.

"Charlotte is now claiming universal credit, which she says is a last resort.
Despite this, she does not want to compromise her goal of working in her chosen career, saying there would be "no progression" in other entry level jobs in retail or hospitality."
Someone should tell her that there is definitely "no progression" in claiming UC.

I'm quite glad I wasn't very bright, to be honest. No high expectations, I was just expected to get a job. So I did. Kids with high expectations often feel like they can't just get a job. That it has to be in their field with a commensurate salary. Some children feel the the burden of parental money spent on education, and some parents of high-achievers spent a lot of time telling their children they are 'too good' to do shifts at Tesco's.

If what you have heard all your life is that you are destined for higher things, it pushes you into an expectation level. Now, more than ever before, young people are exposed to attitudes around fulfilment and doing what you love, rather than paying the bills. Might not be the situation with OP's family, but I have seen it. The child hearing the constant drip of working in a low-paid job as a position of failure, and then the parents wonder why said child, on entering adulthood, doesn't want to get out of bed for anything less than their dream career.

My oldest graduated last year and is doing a cleaning job. Partly because of self-confidence and anxiety issues but also party because there are just not many graduate jobs around.

I have been surprised at some people's rude reactions to the job as if I'm joking because why would such a smart kid be doing that. It's disheartening to be honest. We've always said the kids need to work and it doesn't really matter what the work is just that they turn up and get paid but I can well believe some families are so disparaging about less skilled work that young people feel enormous pressure.

I think working in any public facing role for a year would give anyone useful and transferable skills

one of my ND kids, who is on anxiety medication as well, struggled in life but got out there and held down a job waiting tables for a year. Then got a job in the NHS in a client facing role (as he had learned to deal with the general public and this is a BIG skill), they then supported him in further training

why knows where this may lead, but that “lowly” job (no such thing in my view though!) really helped boost his self esteem, got him experience, a glowing reference, and the confidence to go for jobs with more potential for growth and personal and career development

i’d encourage any young person to start with a job, any job, and retail or hospitality is as good place to start (precisely because actually those jobs are not easy, really, people are very demanding)

@GatherlyGal you can make good money out of cleaning, it can definitely be a career it’s own right

I went out in the work van to deliver some parts to a customer. It's not really my job, but I don't mind. Thing is, I couldn't find the place and had to ask a few folk and chap a door of another firm. A lot of young folk would go absolutely panic stricken at having to do that because they hate speaking and engaging with people, particularly strangers. I do wonder where we're going as a society at times.

I don’t know how we do it, but we need to teach our young people more resilience. It sometimes feels as if some people think expecting any degree of resilience is unacceptable. There has to be a balance - of course we should be helping people with difficult circumstances and giving support to them - but we should also be enabling them to learn the skills necessary for them to deal with difficulties/issues themselves.

I was bullied from the last years of primary school until I went to Sixth form college, and it blighted my life (I have life long depression, anxiety and low self esteem). My mum gave me no support at all, and that did contribute to the problems I have, so I know that no support is as bad as too much support.

I think there is a point in what you say. What I don't understand is how they manage to form personal relationships? Isn't that much more anxiety inducing than a random comment to a stranger they will never see again.