to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

My husband’s 37 year old married cousin lives with his parents, no job and games all night and sleeps all day. His wife lives and works 150 miles away. He was telling us how he plans to build a make shift home at the end of his parents’ garden so he can have some privacy…

All anyone talks about adult life is work. No kids today will be in a position to be lazy for another 40 years if they're lucky. What's the point? I've said many times that parents need to sell adulthood to their kids because from where I'm standing the whole thing is monumentally shit. And saying there's no alternative (because we dumped you on this planet) isn't an incentive either.

...and he'll die prematurely from complications of sleep apnea, fatty liver disease, diabetes and coronary heart disease*.

*These are all related to obesity and are usually preventable,

Yes, the political system needs radical change in many ways

About these adults living off their parents, that's fine, but as the OP mentioned they will be claiming benefits because they'll just take the free money. I object to subsidising that.

I had anxiety and depression and took medication for decades. I still had to work because how else do the bills get paid? It does say something about what you can do when you have to.

I think this also ties into the weird attitude that seems prevalent in the workplace now, that no one should actually have to do their job.

I wonder how this plays out in other western countries.

Some of the very rich people I know have dc who are teachers! It’s not true to say no rich parent expects much. They have been encouraged to work at something even if they don’t need the money.

I don't remember this happening in previous recessions. I left school during the 90s recession and I can't remember anyone I know not having a job. Staying at home all day playing computer games instead of working would have seemed absolutely laughable and our parents wouldn't have countenanced it.

I love the contradiction in terms between "I think" and "statistically."

Many 16-24 year olds, for example, will be in full time education or apprenticeships. In actual statistics produced by the ONS only 16.1% of 16-24 year olds, and only 4.7 of 25-35 year olds are classed as unemployed.
UK unemployment rate by age 2025| Statista

I can't understand this. I moved out on my own at 18 because my parents were doing my head in and I also needed my own space. I guess some teenagers and 20/ 30 something's just have really good relationships with their parents ? My ex lived with his gran our whole relationship and he told me, "why would I want to leave ? I have everything I need here" while I struggled alone and on a low income with our son

I have a nephew who at 24 is a room dwelling gamer with social anxiety.

I hate to say, but I put blame on his parents who never pushed him at all socially. Sitting at a restaurant at the age of 14 his mum would order for him; by the age of 16 he was too shy to speak to strangers and didn't have many school friends. Even when I visit he doesn't come out of his room, and some family members haven't seen him for years.

His sister, also very socially awkward, finished a degree but works from home and never goes out. I can't see either one of them ever moving out of the home or having a relationship.

Kids need to be taught social skills from an early age, and learn to do things for themselves.

I had a very similar situation with one DC and dealt with it in the same way: therapy and clinical care when appropriate. Therapy was absolutely non-negotiable. I reduced my hours to look after them and impose a routine: no phones at night, bedroom door open at all times, routines with meals, helping me with all chores. I know I was very strict. But now they are wholly independent and living a life that I hardly dreamed they could achieve or manage. I know things can change on a dime. But I went all out to give them tools to get through it.

but "kids" aren't just starting to question the status quo! Pretty much every generation has done the same, particularly over the course of the last century.

It might be a fair point if the 'kids' 'rejected this paradigm' by opting out of the rat race entirely - living off the grid. Or living a tech free life doing subsistence farming. Or claimed benefits but spent their time volunteering to put back into the community. Or campaigned for societal change. Or even devoted their lives to creating some form of art.

But there's little to admire in hypocrites who fully embrace all the luxuries and comfort of modern life, but don't want to work for it themselves, as long as their parents do, and fund them. I assume if the parents said "you know what, you're right, working is miserable drudgery, I've handed in my notice. Sorry this does mean we're going to have to give up the house so you'll have to give up your private room and move into council accommodation, sharing a room with your 2 siblings while all in your twenties, not to mention your car, holidays etc. Thanks so much for helping us see the light!" They'd soon be complaining!

Anyway, speak for yourself. I'm pretty happy with my life, and glad my parents had me. I certainly don't think I'm experiencing a lifetime of security or drudgery, thanks!

I know exactly what you mean. My stepdaughter went out with a boy for about five years, and him and his two brothers were proper oddballs. Their parents let them eat their meals in their rooms, so never really learned to interact with adults, they couldn't use cutlery, and were embarrassingly inadequate in company. They couldn't speak to people, and during my stepdaughter's Birthday Party one year in a hall, her bf's brother and girlfriend wouldn't come in to the main suite and stayed in the foyer all night. Absolute weirdos.

Very common in the early 80s recession.

no gaming then so people complained about the youth of today wasting their time on music.

They are lazy and their parents are fools.

My ex wouldn't answer the door to delivery people or phone his own taxis or takeaways. So I made sure my son did these things as a teenager I didn't want him to end up like his dad. He did work though, I think he was capable of doing these things but just had never had to

I cannot deny your point.

What gave me motivation (and still does) was pure, unfiltered anger. My parents were crap.
That was a long time ago.

But then, what is the solution?

This doesn't mean you have all the answers or that your approach will work for every young person.

Mine have all been encouraged to work in some capacity from the age of 16 and generally have had part-time jobs to build some experience. I have one who couldn't cope with that (autistic) and therapy doesn't help them with that. Pushing them only makes them go backwards. I hope they will work with an OT at some point, but they are not yet ready for that.

No, I will no take away their nice things or make their life harder. They have enough challenges and hardship already due to their condition. I also want them to be able to practice adult autonomy as much as possible, to build independence skills.

If you lost patience with me about my child being at home, not working, not in education (with probably no insight into what I am doing or what that has cost me personally), I'd think you need to mind your own business about something that doesn't affect you and that you don't really understand. I'd also think you were very lucky because I would like nothing more than for my child not to have the challenges you speak of. For them, not for me.

Do I get some points that they volunteer at an animal shelter once a week? That basically means they are walking dogs two hours a week (no social pressure with that), but it's something.

@Luckyingame sorry to hear about your parents. I don't know what the solution is. It just kind of gets to me when parents are like "life's tough, you have to work, you're not going to have any fun now for the next 50yrs" I mean no wonder the young people are depressed...I just think they should be focusing on the possibilities of life to incentivise them. Unfortunately I can't come up with anything there myself 😆

This just isn’t your business why do you care? Like why would someone want to work every hour god sends to not be able to afford anything anyway? If their parents are happy to support them why is it your business?

I'm very keen to know - 1) Why do his parents allow him to live with them and support him financially? 2) Why did his wife marry him and why does she stay married to him?

Eh we’re all paying for capable young adults bumming about at our expense!

Autistic people are often perfectly employable. Not every job requires excellent comms skills. You’ve set your son up for failure before he even starts. Maybe that’s the problem?

@frozendaisy that’s fair enough, though I dread to think what the DIY results of the average teenager would be!

Not only do I not understand this crackpot arrangement but I don't know about the legality of building such a structure in the parent's garden.
His parents might end up in a lot of trouble if he doesn't check the planning regs.

Also, if he has the energy to build this edifice then surely he has the energy to obtain gainful employment ?

I've heard it all now 😯

I think this is really sad: He'll never jump on Eurostar and spend a weekend in Paris. let alone ever get to Manhattan or further afield like the Galapagos islands; He won't get to ever sit in a nice restaurant and have a gourmet meal; he'll never buy expensive clothes; attract a variety of interesting partners (they will be benefit deadbeats like himself); probably never own a car and drive to the coast or explore the UK; or buy great ingredients and make a nice meal; or have an interesting life.

Many years ago, one of the first flats I rented was next door to a benefits family and their life was so limiting. I don't think I ever saw them leave the house or pack bags to go on holiday. They used to take turns standing at the front gate in a kind of stupor. I can imagine watching TV all day or whatever these people do must be quite boring! You really have to not want to aspire to anything!