to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

Because I know her inside and out. If she has a fall out with friend at work she will go on the sick. This is why she is currently on sick leave, despite that friend not even working there anymore. Workplace disputes are a normal part of working life, you cannot go on the sick for years everytime you fall out with someone. If anyone confronts her about it she shuts down and doesnt speak to them because theyre trying to pull her out of her comfort zone, despite us only wanting whats best for her.

I have no doubt she suffers with depression, but has come a long way since it was really bad, and is more than capable to work now. She has been in work since then and did great. She has worked on herself a lot and is in a good place, and manages her depression well. Unfortunately, as discussed in my comments above, people really do get stuck into the cycle of being avoidant of work because they find it awkward going back or just don't want to. I felt this way after maternity leave both times, and considered quitting over the sheer anxiety. After my mother had a firm talk with me, I sucked it up and went back. Yeah it was awkward, but after a day or so it was like I hadn't been away. I think these people stuck in this cycle are being enabled to continue to suffer within it by those who encourage or enable their absence from the workplace.

I'm not saying people don't genuinely have depression etc and look okay from the outside when they're really not, as I know that is not true. I have been there myself. I don't expect such people to work. Its the ones that can but don't because they're not used to it anymore that I take issue with. Sometimes have to put your big grown up pants on and face things that are challenging or difficult because if not, you will not get anywhere in life.

No, it hasn’t always been as bad as it is now. Fortunately my adult dc are both in good jobs, but DS is trying to change career and it’s brutal. The jobs he’s gone for and got interviews have said they get 400 applicants - for one position. He’s got friends with phds in stem subjects that have taken over a year to get a job (in fairness most of them are tutoring to get by so not idle) but it’s definitely tough.

I take plenty of interest in the world around me, thanks.

Or by "showing an interest" do you actually mean "secretly judging my friends and castigating them for their bad luck and struggles"?

It could be, but i dont think that it is really. I know her very well and she has been in and out of work for very silly reasons. She has actually said before she prefers living off the little money she gets from UC and spending her time how she wants to, rather than earning loads of money to have more things and status. She thinks she is justified in saying this, and doesnt realise quite how tone deaf it sounds to a working single parent of 2 SEN children struggling to afford to live while paying taxes to fund her benefits so she can live her life how she wants. As if im going to praise her for living a modest life within modest means when what shes really doing is sponging off of benefits so she doesnt have to work.

The woman I work with who claims that she is psychic (not sure why she works and hasn't foreseen the winning lottery numbers!) has been banging on to anyone who'll listen that she's seen war coming! All these Gen Z will be conscripted. It will be the governments way for dealing with all these alphabet diseases and the ever growing benefits bill...

Not sure what I make of it as when I asked her if she could see the bailiffs coming after me for not paying those crooks at Thames Water, she couldn't give me a direct answer.

Free money is very addictive.

Because they will become a burden on others, other peoples children will be grafting so some indulged, self important, navel gazer can spend their time gluing themselves to the floor instead of contributing to their own upkeep.

The idea of your perfectly healthy children becoming a burden on others used to be shameful…

Not quite the same but round where I live ( south London) many have come home/ stayed at home while studying at university and are doing Saturday job type things, trying to set up social media driven businesses etc. Their parents often have quite nice homes and benefitted from affordable house prices in the 90s, the kids are living comfortably while in occupations which would never be able to sustain that living standard if it wasn’t for their parents.

I think there is a lot of competition as well for basic minimum wage jobs. My son hasn't been able to get a supermarket job, and most delivery drivers and shop workers in my area are immigrants/ not English speaking

I'm 59 so I don't understand it. I always enjoyed working, meeting people and doing challenging things that I haven't done before. I'm game for most things.

We can only hope that they'll be some sort of cultural shift and resilience and stamina will become the latest fashion. It is such a waste of life to be at home on benefits. It certainly needs to stop being a lifestyle choice.

Interesting. Almost all the teenagers I know around here have some kind of weekend/evening job in retail or hospitality for a few hours a week from age 15/16 or thereabouts. It is completely the norm. They also continue to work a little through university, at least in the vacations. And this is in a very middle class area (many, possibly most, of these kids attend private school) where the majority of parents could afford to pay for most things, but they choose to encourage kids to work and pay for extras themselves. It doesn't seem to get in the way of high academic achievement. If anything, I suspect it helps! (up to a point...)

Ds is 21 has been working full time since 18. More of an exception amongst his peers. They all seem to have special needs. Adhd. Autism.

He just started a side gig 2nd job last evening too working for Uber eats and Just Eat...!

He plans to buy a property somewhere cheaper than where we live in a few years.

Most of his friends seem to struggle however.

It is so tough out in job market, DD graduated last year and only managed to get 2 f2f interviews, bloody AI, one she didn’t get, thank god, Met Detective, one on last interview this week, BUT, has worked PT since 16, although she didn’t need to, so glad and proud, same with our DS, left school just b4 16 and worked since. A lot of people see benefits as a career choice

@Bringemout

Brilliant answer.
So, they didn't choose to be born. Boo hoo.
Neither did anyone else. 👍

We have the same non working adult “children” in our family too . They have absolutely no concept of working and paying your way in life. One( who has two masters degrees and is unbelievably bright, but is further along the spectrum than most of the rest of the world) lives at home and their few personal expenses are covered by a small legacy left by granny - who worked every day of her life and will be turning in her grave - a few years back . Everything else is covered by their parents. I suggested that they sign on because a) that would enable them too contribute towards their keep, and b) would mean they were accruing credits towards a future income via a state pension, but was told no, because signing on would be stressful as someone would be on at them all the time to apply for jobs and go to interviews!

Another one, again with a degree from a Russell Geroup university does occasional cat sitting, which is talked of in hushed terms as “ their business”. The rest of the time they game online and larp.

I think both are banking on inheriting houses eventually, but what will happen if the parents have to find care home fees doesn’t seem to have occurred to them, nor do they have any inkling of the cost of runnng a house and daily living expenses.

I hear you @goldenteapot

I am so frustrated with my 31yr old niece and 26 yr old nephew who haven't worked in years.

They did work for a few years.
They then "finally" received a diagnose as adults.
They weren't happy with the reasonable adjustments work made for them.
So they quit. And have been on benefits living the life of Riley every since. Neither intend to return to work.

DS was diagnosed years ago. We lived "...and it will make zero difference to your work ethic..."

He knows not working isn't a choice because of his diagnosis.

Anyone seen this article on TES? I found it says a lot of the things I want to say.

I think some parents just don’t know what to do for best. There’s so much conflicting advice especially if there is a diagnosis or anxiety etc. So they do nothing and things just carry on and realistically there’s no hope of dc getting out of rut.
A poster on here recently had a 19 yr old dd with a private autism diagnosis who was being rude and doing nothing at home and not working or studying. Op was funding everything inc food, clothes, toiletries and phone. Advice swung between get tough and low demand. Op was worried about making things worse and so the pussy footing around continued. She was so close she couldn’t see wood for trees. That must be very common.
I personally don’t think the being in room all time and up all night on phone/gaming is good for anyone. But when posters suggest walking them up at 7am or cutting off WiFi it’s often countered by posters saying it’s cruel as that’s how they self regulate or only way of socialising etc.

That’s certainly not my experience. I have however known of many DC whose studies are sacrificed as they are spending too much time working.

One of DS1(27)’s friends is still working at the minimum wage role he started while at school. He was quite happy with the money he was making and sacrificed working rather than studying for his exams.

Imo it’s absolutely insane to be spending £20k a year on school fees and then send DC out to work.

I have also never seen a four hour a week role advertised for many years.

I have dc in their teens, 20s and 30s.
All work and or work.

Maybe its a problem local to you?

@WrylyAmused Yes

If that is the individual's reason for not working, I accept their choice - and I completely understand how they feel and why they feel it.

But the associated structural problem is...a person with that reason for not working should not be able to claim benefits.

I don’t recognise this. My two have worked since the age of 16 as they both wanted some cash to spend. Now they’re both in the early stages of careers and pursuing professional qualifications rather than university.

i don’t think they were ever aware that there could be an option not to work. They know that we have a nice life and opportunities because of our jobs. We’re (parents, aunts annd uncles) pretty much all in c suite roles but happily started in waitressing/bar work etc.

it is really worrying if there are lots of bright young people missing from the workforce.

I would be fucking depressed if our teens decided to lose their 20s to gaming in their bedrooms never mind them

It is a great decade of life. You can never get that time back

A guy I know is 30, claims he's got an anxiety disorder or something, so he's never worked. Stays up all night gaming, and sleeps until teatime, then orders food from Just Eat. He's ballooned to about 25 stone and is happy as Larry and, in fact, is laughing at the rest of us mugs that go out and work. He's, essentially, unemployable and will probably never work a job. Disgraceful.

He’s really showing us how the other half live eh!

Please can you be more specific on what ‘tough love’ you would recommend OP? Would you for instance insist they move out, even if they have nowhere to go?