To think all these mothers bragging about working full time are just using their own mothers as unpaid childcare?

[Ruddeo]

I came to this realisation recently after years of being made to feel like a lazy piece of shit by them, because I had my first child when I was 16 and didn’t have a job until they went to school and this is part time.

Once you dig beneath the surface of the full time job, the active social life and weekends, 9 times out of 10 there’s a tired exhausted grandma who just wants some rest!

Hmm I'm looking after a DGC for a couple of hours next week as her parents have to attend a meeting. I suppose that would put me into that 65 % Or the time I babysat for DD while get and her DH went out for their anniversary.

But it's different ( well in my view) than looking after them on a full time daily basis

I'd say it's quite the opposite. Almost everyone in my circle working full time is using paid for childcare. They all also work 9-5 Monday - Friday with some flex or have a partner who works 9-5 Monday to Friday with some flex. The ones using grandparents in my circle are part time.

There are a few people I know that work opposite shifts to their partner or weekends when partner is off work.

I paid most of my salary to send my son to nursery 3 days/week and was the first person in my company to request WFH - 20 years ago - so I could do childcare for the other 2 days. I had to schedule my work days with a strict routine so I could watch my son and do a full day's work. Due to my effectiveness, my company offered the same to other parents (mostly Mums)

I am super proud of myself for paving the way for future parents - mostly Mums - to gain work flexibility at my practice. Not everyone has family close by (including myself) so I fought to enable a different kind of support.

My son's class, 30 kids, I know 2 families who have grandparent pick ups and we're one of them and it's once a week, otherwise he's in after school and breakfast club as needed

Probably not, its broken down to 52% provide regular childcare during the week so thatd put you into the 13% doing occasional babysitting presumably unless you do it quite often.

You’re projecting, OP. We used nursery 4 days a week 9-5.30pm. Never had family help. Maybe it’s different if you live in an area where families still live near each other - we don’t.

We know hundreds of families; I can only think of one couple with a Granny over the road and another (BIL and his wife) who got two days a week childcare by MIL.

Not me OP. Single mum and I used an eye watering expensive childminder 8.30 -6pm 5 days a week and worked minimum wage as a receptionist. My mum died, and I have 0 family support as my surviving relatives moved 300 miles away.
Financially, emotionally, physically it was incredibly hard through the primary school ages. I missed dd’s first steps, I couldn’t go to school coffee mornings or spend holidays and Easter with her. I couldn’t maintain a romantic relationship because I just was exhausted and had no spare time. I took dd on cheap holidays to Blackpool or with tokens cut out of newspapers.
it has paid off now, I moved jobs 3 times earning a bit more each time. She’s 14 now and I finally landed a WFH job, cut out the childcare, and am home every day when she gets home from school, can take her abroad and pay for private tutors.
It can be done if you put your mind to it and make rough sacrifices ❤️

Youre using the term projecting incorrectly. At least in the way it’s usually used online.

Not that I disagree with the rest of what you’re saying, fair enough if that’s the experience among people you know. The vast majority of people I know are British, I get it’s different if you live in an area with a lot of immigrants and grandparents live thousands of miles away.

The vast majority of people I know are British, I get it’s different if you live in an area with a lot of immigrants and grandparents live thousands of miles away.

Don't be silly. There are loads of people who don't live where they grew up, especially in big cities. It's got nothing to do with either nationality or immigration.

There are a lot of people on here saying practically everyone they know lives hundreds of miles from their parents. Of course there are “loads” like this but they’re not the majority, not where I live anyway (normal medium sized town)

No meaning to be rude but this is something you think about before getting pregnant. Those “people “ who worked full time after having their baby at 16 clearly knew what they were counting on.

But that's a self-selecting group, too. I once lived in a large midlands village where, when I put feelers out for a babysitter, I realised there was no call for it because everyone seemed to live close to extended family. I think that of the 27 kids in DS's reception class, all but two or three had at least one parent who'd also gone to the village school. If they no longer lived in the village, they lived in surrounding villages. We were very unusual in that not only were we not local, we were not British, and all our family was in another country.)

Whereas, other than this one, very insular place (which I got the hell out of asap), most people, in my experience, live nowhere near their parents, or, if they do, there's an additional reason.

True, well when I was 15 I wasn’t thinking I’m not sure what people have wanted me to say when they tell me I bummed around for four years draining tax payers as if I only got pregnant for the benefits.

But what were you thinking? I can't imagine a child getting pregnant because she was labouring under the delusion it was going to be financially remunerative, but equally it's hard to see why you weren't advised against continuing the pregnancy, because you could be in no way ready to be a parent, regardless of your finances. You were a kid.

They are very much the majority in cities, which house around 50% of the UK's population.

I have never heard anyone ‘bragging’ about working full time. People do what they have to do.

You don't need to be hundreds of miles away for childcare to be impractical, even the next town over can be undoable. Your argument doesn't hold weight.

You're trying to deal with the choices of your past. Do that. Without belittling others

I was raised in a selectively old fashioned family and kind of sheltered. I say selectively because I was told abortion was murder and mothers should prioritise time with their children over careers but my parents werent overly strict about me going out and I didn’t know that a lot of people hate “benefit scroungers”.
I’m not moaning about my parents they were generally good I’m just answering your question and I’m happy with how my life is, it’s just other people’s judgment when I was 16-20 wasn’t nice and I wasn’t prepared for it

OP, you sound a lot like my sister. She had a baby at 16. My parents were very supportive and practically raised the baby while she went off to 'find herself' (i.e. kept on partying while the rest of us provided free childcare). While my parents were very supportive, they weren't exactly delighted with the situation, and my sister seemed put out that no one wanted to throw a party to celebrate her getting pregnant at 16. She continues to have a chip on her shoulder.

Gently, I think you have a chip on your shoulder too. I cannot imagine anyone 'bragging' about working full time, it's simply a fact that many of us do. To say as such isn't 'bragging.' It really does sound to me like you need to work on your self-esteem.

How are the nine out of ten women who rely on grandmothers acting like they are better than you? What are they doing, exactly?

How does growing up with such judgemental parents not prepare you for the judgement of others?

When I was 15 I genuinely didn’t know that a lot of people hate mothers who don’t work. I thought it was the other way round

Because that's the judgement you heard at home. The point is to work out what makes YOU happy I. Life, live what you want and let others live theirs

Everyone's lives are different and that's ok

Why all this stuff about "hate" ?

Most people aren't hateful. Most people don't actually care that much what other people do with their lives and don't waste energy hating others. If people you call friends are genuinely hateful towards you, they aren't your friends.

I work full time, as does my mum. Childcare has nothing to do with my mum.

I had my eldest at 16, she went to a day nursery from 12 weeks while I went back to sixth form. I stayed at home with my youngest for a year, as I was in a financial position to then. But have worked full time since 2016 and as a single parent since 2020.

I actually don't know anyone who is able to use their parents for full time childcare. Everyone's parents in my circle aren't of retirement age yet.