To think all these mothers bragging about working full time are just using their own mothers as unpaid childcare?

[Ruddeo]

I came to this realisation recently after years of being made to feel like a lazy piece of shit by them, because I had my first child when I was 16 and didn’t have a job until they went to school and this is part time.

Once you dig beneath the surface of the full time job, the active social life and weekends, 9 times out of 10 there’s a tired exhausted grandma who just wants some rest!

I paid for my own too.

I was 22 when I passed, paid for out of my wages from part and then full time work.

Eh? My mother lives 2000km away and DH's has passed when he was a child. I was living in London when the children were small and none of the ft working mums friends had family nearby to help.

Every woman you know works full time and none use grandparents? Who is doing all the school pick up and drop offs? I find it hard to imagine that there is an entire school where its entirely either childminders or all children in before and after school clubs? Or even the majority who are.

Never had a single day of childcare from grandparents. Always worked full time. Nursery was open 7.30-6.30. Holiday club was open 8am to 6pm. It was tough on me, tough on the kids and bloody expensive but it was possible to do a full time job and I honestly had no choice but to do a full time job.

I agree it would have been much easier, nicer and cheaper to have had some help from grandparents but some of us just don't have that.

I'm not "bragging" about working FT either. I the same way you feel people have made you feel lazy for not working FT, I've heard it all about how "damaging" it is to "dump" my kids in FT nursery and how i was "selfish to prioritise a career" and not "make sacrifices" blah blah. You just have to toughen up and not listen to people flapping their gums about it.

Well as someone who did learn until late 20’s (because I never had a need) I never had anyone brag to me so I just find it odd tbh…

Their mothers? Why not their fathers?

Most of the people I know with preschool age kids have both parents still working.

It's not unreasonable to delay parenthood until you know you can afford childcare, have a job that fits in with whatever the plan is for childcare etc. It's what most people do.

Parents or childminders or au pairs or the school's breakfast and after school club, I assume, I haven't actually interviewed everyone who attended DS's primary. I was talking about women I know personally. All work FT. None lives close to parents. All rely on paid childcare when needed.

I think that Mners who find this so incredibly must lead very restricted lives. Women working is really not unusual. People moving away from their parents is very usual. People whose parents are still working FT themselves, or unable or unwilling to do childcare, are also common. I mean, all of both our families lived in another country to the one we were living in when we had DS. Also not terribly unusual.

I think this boils down to the two golden rules doesn't it?

Life isn't fair

People are jerks

Having a baby at 30 when I already had a career was tough. Having a baby at 16 when you're likely to be at the bottom of the career ladder was always going to be insanely tough. I don't think wasting energy on what other people are bragging about will help you at all.

There we might also apply some more sayings like "you've made your bed, now you must lie in it" or "Nothing lasts forever" or "there will always be people better and worse off than you" because you really just need to ignore this shit and get on with your own life.

Universal credit if you must know and you can laugh if you want but I’ve learnt half the people laughing and saying they went back to work when their baby was a few months old just left the baby with their mum. Young mums I’m talking about here who didn’t have great careers that could pay for a childminder or a driving licence

There’s something not ringing true about this.
Firstly, it’s a world of young mums, which is not exactly the demographic of today, then it’s a case of all of these young mums, apart from OP, have their mums looking after their kids. But OP is talking about 16yo’s having babies (which seems rampant in their world), but irrespective, let’s just say a bunch of 20yo’s. That would make their mums around 55yo, and yet all these 55yo women are retired and so free to look after grandkids? I’m older than 55 years, and don’t know of any women 55yo who are retired! Are all these women giving up work to look after grandkids?

Having said this, I do have a friend (male) mid-60’s who retired to look after grandkid to help his child out, he just basically used it as a retirement excuse as was jack of things at the time. That lasted less than 6 months. He was then back at work and paid for a full time nanny instead and now does some ‘fun grandad stuff’ with toddler on weekend instead😂😂😂.

Also amazes me on Mumsnet that everyone in such scenario’s lives near parents for them to help with childcare. We only had 1 lot of friends that had parents anywhere near, otherwise most people’s parents were either in a different country, or several hours travel away. How many people find work locally so they can live around the corner from parents!

Considering around 65% of grandparents provide childcare, 45% of mothers work full time and 25% arent employed at all your social group doesnt reflect the general norm.
I dont see what you think is restrictive about people having different family set ups depending on what works for them?

Only 45% of mothers are in full time employment?

What a depressing statistic.

no one is bragging about working full time, we’re all too tired. Maybe don’t be so sensitive to what (your perceive) other people think about you

Yet people say the being a SAHM is so wonderful lol.

Honestly on this site no matter what people do it will be considered wrong.

Being a SAHM isn’t for me 😂

It’s more that if there’s 25% not in employment at all, the remaining 30% are either working part time by choice, or because FT isn’t an accessible option for them.

The latter isn’t good enough, it’s 2026. Women who want to work full time should be able to.

Haha if only. My Mum works two days a week but doesn’t have time to see my child let alone look after her!! Friends all pay for childcare. I know lots of grandparents (old work colleagues, an uncle, mum’s friends, grandparents at playgroup that look after their grandchildren, mainly they say because they absolutely want to and love it and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Has someone actually called you lazy? I can’t imagine being this bothered by what other people do with their lives

Then you have a problem with mean friends, you don't have a problem with people who get help with childcare.

Yep. Learned when I was 37 and also zero people bragged to me.
Some were surprised but I would just say I've always lived in big cities and never needed to learn. And that would be the end of that conversation.
Not sure where OP is meeting all these people...

You are just unreasonable, you’re bonkers.

I didn’t say 16 year olds having babies was rampant, where did I say that? I just said a substantial amount of younger mums don’t mention how much babysitting their own parents did when they go on about how they went back to full time work when their baby was a few months old or whatever. I also know parents in their 40s who have a grandma in her 70s or 80s doing the school run every single day.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said 9/10 maybe that’s a big exaggeration but I still think there are a lot of people who don’t appreciate how much childcare their own parents do for them and that not everyone has that.

From people I know one grandma has gone extreme part time (works just one day a week) to watch her grandkids and one is retired. Some have health issues so can’t work but their kids still expect them to do childcare and the rest I’m not to sure

Teen mums I knew finished their education and used childminders or daycare.

Considering around 65% of grandparents provide childcare

65% of grandparents who provide some kind of childcare. Although, this figure varies depending on the study.

So, that includes grandparents who perhaps mind their grandchild for one hour on a Sunday to allow the parents to do a food shop, or once a month.

We need to be clear on that given that the OP is of the view that 9 out of 10 women have grandparents solely looking after grandchildren so that they can work full time and have an active social life.

The more regular the childcare is, the lower that percentage gets.

The scenario the OP outlines is going to be very close to zero.

I think you sound very bitter and judgy about it. Other people’s so-called advantages don’t affect your life.

You had a child at 16 and didn’t work for 4-5 years. On some level you made a choice, as we all do.

Your perception is that 9/10 people judge you when in reality most probably are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don’t have the time or inclination to judge you.

If you are happy with your life choices then it really doesn’t matter

Well 9/10 in my network used paid childcare, full time.

The grandparents surely have some agency here though, surely?

Some grandparents actually want to be very hands on and involved. Others don't. Doing childcare requires the grandparents to consent to it. Your posts kind of sound like there's all these grandmothers out there in forced labour! Parents can expect childcare from their parents all they want, the grandparents have the option of using the word "no".

If there are grandparents out there providing the bulk of the childcare so that very young parents can finish their education and go into work, you might want to be thankful for them, because their childcare assistance has enabled those mothers to work and pay taxes. Those taxes contribute to the state benefits for parents in your situation who don't have the same choices because you don't have the family support.

What do you think those young mothers should do exactly? Not accept the help from their parents and not work so you won't feel bad? It's fine for them to be proud of working and it's also fine for you to be proud of raising your children full time by yourself, especially if you haven't had family help. Being proud of what you've achieved isn't the same as bragging or putting others down.