AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

⸻

AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

Why are you worried? You'd get more child support. Don't stay in this arrangement to try and stop the other. That's cutting your nose off to spite your space. Exposing your daughter to crap she doesn't need and potentially setting her up to stay with a tosser. Life is too long to spend it living like this. Your mum should really refuse to pay anymore. She's subsidising your prat of a husband as well.

A year. And yes I think deep down he thinks this is pay back for my year ‘off’. He will never admit though.

I hope you are ok now . It took me a long time to get back on my feet but I managed .

When a professional discusses this scenario i would say your relationship is well and truly over.

Your H adds nothing to your life except stress. He adds nothing your DCs life at all. It's time for you to face reality.

I agree, I think you need to get legal advice here OP 🙂

This sounds like the behavior if my auadhd ex h. He did exactly the same thing. Software developer depression wanted a break spent the time on nonsense projects including making a desk from gas pipes, matched betting and a phone game addiction. And his time off was pay back for my maternity for sure. He took us 50k into debt with his family member. I did leave him. It's now 50 50. That is a nightmare. If you can do anything to avoid that, do.

But I got my freedom back from the abuse, as that is what this is. I'm so sorry op but great your mum sounds supportive. Best thing I was ever asked was - what if your psychological safety was your utmost priority? What would your life be like?

your savings are the only cushion both of you have. So before he much as sniffs at them , he should be job hunting properly… when your savings run out that’s it for both of you

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. How have you coped since? Do you have children? And yes I do believe my DH is undiagnosed AUDHD.

Best thing I was ever asked was - what if your psychological safety was your utmost priority? What would your life be like?

SUCH a good question! Seriously mull this over, OP, it will help you reframe your thinking. And I think it will help your child, too, in the long run. Your safety is her (?his?) safety.

This has clearly been going on for a long time, but OP only seems worried now that his money is gone and she might have to dip into her savings. That alone says a lot about their relationship. This could have been solved with a few simple conversation, yet here she is, posting for the usual “your husband is a jerk, leave him” responses.

Well he can’t have it both ways - doesn’t want to pool money but when it comes to needing your savings then you should share!

I made him agree to a trial of pooling our money when he next gets a job. I think that might be one reason why he is dragging his heels as he hates the idea of sharing all money.

It sounds to me as though he's happy for your money to be shared but not his.

Also I spent so much time tidying up after him once I left and became a single mum I actually had more time to work focus on my career and look after myself. He had drained the life out of me. It's shit that my kids have to spend half their childhood with him but they also get to see a healthy home the other half of the time and they understand that they do not need to put up with this kind of crap all their life long.

After I left I happened to have a spare doormat by my front door for whatever reason I think I bought one that was too thick. When he came to collect the kids he saw it and asked for it. I said yes, please do take home this doormat. You must need a new one. It felt very fitting.

OP draw a line in the sand - my h stopped working due to mental health and said he would do the housework while I worked, he doesn't do anything and I am solely responsible for everything - its been years - he's about to hit retirement age now and the only reason I am still with him is the kids like him.

@Mylovelygreendress Definitely in a better place, thank you - it sounds like you are too? ❤️
Well over a decade on and still in privately rented so not ideal, but these men are often financial controllers as both we have unfortunately experienced. The courts often fail to support us when these men lie. You live and learn; sometimes the hard way.
But...now I am remarried and my husband and I share a daughter who is adored by her big big brothers and the rest of the family so no regrets. I am fully respected as a woman which is so incredibly important.
Onwards and upwards.
As Emmeline Pankhurst once said: "I incite this meeting to rebellion" - and that's exactly what I did! 💪

Top thought: If someone is going to be miserable, make sure it isn't you.

Your DH is holding you hostage by refusing to act. Your choice is to slow this or to stop permitting it and act yourself. Ask yourself: where will you be if this slide into poverty continues?

I have seen too many women hoping their husbands would change and suddenly put the family first or grow up and take adult responsibility. The husband's never did, because they didn't want to. They didn't have to because they were getting what they wanted.

@Sustainbrain Love this!
They usually go on to find a replacement doormat - sometimes these are in the form of a new relationship.

Yes I have 2 kids. It was very hard at certain points particularly when the kids where about 3 and 8 and also when we had to go to court - but I have certainly overall thrived. I founded and run a successful business and i have a lovely partner. DM me any time. The auadhd is not a problem at all if someone can recognise it and work with their strengths and sensitivities without blaming and torturing their oh!

It never ceases to amaze me how these total utter losers can always find some mug to support them ! 🙄

This old tiresome BS. Women get depressed and mostly continue to do it all.
Don't use your savings.
He gets paid work, or you take your daughter, your money and walk.
Yuck. 🙁

🙄 yes because women are routinely encouraged on here to give up work in order to indulge in a selfish hobby whilst farming out childcare to the MIL and doing fuck all housework, whilst burning through their husbands savings, arent they? Of course they're bloody not, dont be ridiculous.

OP, your husband is extremely entitled and selfish, don't let him spend your savings too, I agree with the poster who said to tell him you gave them to your mum as she was sick of funding his lazy arse.

Way to tell the OP it's all her fault. Knob off back to the manosphere will you.

He's not technically unemployed. He is unemployed.

Your mum pays for child care while he sits on his arse?
He's quite the catch

@Historian0111101000 Assuming both you and your husband work? So how do you manage your finances?

First he needs a plan to improve his mental health or he is is never going to feel better. He should start with seeing his GP, trying medication, seeking counselling and doing more physical activities. That's what I did after having a breakdown.

Then he needs to seriously look for a job. It might be that he needs to take a step down and take on something less stressful but doing nothing should not be an option.