AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

So he has been building a game for 6 months whilst your finances become less secure by the day because he has no income.
I think you are right to be concerned. Even if you did agree to use your savings it is only putting off the day when you hit crisis, because it's an attitude that has developed which won't change if you sub him for the next 3 or 6 months. In fact it is likely to become more entrenched and harder to find work.
It is worrying that he hasn't done all those things that would benefit you and the household he said he would. You would be less resentful about your savings if he had, no doubt.
With young children the desire to have some security and savings to fall back on is strong, and rightly so. You know deep down using your savings us only delaying the inevitable tipping point where things have to change.
Better to have the conversation and work out how to move forward now than in 6 months when you have no savings left.
And all those jobs should be done. They will help with motivation to get a job too.

I’m not sure how much you have saved but what is his plan? Bleed you both dry until you have a toddler, zero savings and are in a very precarious situation and THEN start looking for a job and/or dealing with his mental health?

He could work part time and contribute to the household and go to his GP to discuss his depression.

I would be very annoyed he’s basically working on a personal project which requires the same hours and skills as a job would yet claiming he is unfit for work….!

Funny how he felt the strain of being the only breadwinner while you were at home looking after your joint child. But now you're carrying the financial load....

If he knows you won't consider splitting up because you're afraid of sharing custody, he has you trapped. He's opted out of being a partner to you, but he can still do what he wants and it very strongly affects you. A DIY sabbatical/career break/leave should be planned and limited to manage the loss of income; it can't go on open-ended, indefinitely. Of course YANBU to say no to using your savings, just as HIBU to stop therapy (if depression is the root of his issues) and to shirk his agreed-on household responsibilities and to refuse to consider even part-time, casual work - but does any of that matter if you can't follow through on any ultimatum? Let's say you decide to just go ahead and and use your savings, if necessary all of it - what will you do when it's gone and he still has no prospects?

Even when he did work, he hardly did any work and managed to get away with it. He may be in much worse shape career-wise than you realise.* *Employers may turn a blind eye to a contractor goofing off or underperforming if the contract is up relatively soon, but the problem worker is unlikely to be offered another future contract or reference, or be able to find a new contract/job via the connections they normally would have built up with coworkers, clients, vendors, etc. Is it possible he's not bothered at all - in eight months!!!! - to look for a job because he knows he won't find one in his field?

Most contractors my husband has work with, all set aside money to pay for pensions, NI, Tax, sickness, holidays etc. Yes, they earn a high salary, but from that salary, they have to set aside money for all the above.

Your husband should have set aside money throughout his contract to pay for all these. He should have set aside money to cover him being off on paternity leave, for example.

Your husband has been seeing a therapist privately for 9 months, but has stopped due to not being able to afford it. He's on medication and has seen his GP. Other than see a therapist, which appears to have been a waste of time, and taking antidepressants, what else is he doing to help himself? Sitting at home, working on his hobbies, is fine for some of the time but actually he needs to get out. Long walks, take up a sport/join a gym, socialise with friends. Taking time off work, yes I understand that, but 8-9 months off??? No, especially as he's not doing much to help himself.

He doesn't help you in the home, is spending his child free time, faffing around at home and generally seems disengaged from normal life. He essentially just wants to potter at home, and that's it.

You will find yourself in serious financial trouble, if you can't get your husband to focus on finding a new job. If you were to help him, what does he think will happen when the money runs dry??? The elves and fairies are going to pay the mortgage and bills!!!

I am suggesting divorce but of course as your savings are a marital asset, he'd be entitled to half of them. You need a blunt conversation with him.

No absolutely not because what happens if he doesn’t find a job? That money is the absolute safety net

He doesnt even want to look after your Daughter half the time when he is living with you, what on earth makes you think he would want 50:50?

Honestly if there are truly mental health issues, why has he not started addressing this with his GP? It sounds more like he just wants to play with his arcade and hasnt had enough time!

I do not understand why he is at home full time yet you are using childcare 3 days a week! And he isnt doing any extra housework, of course he doesnt want it to change, he has 5 days a week to dick about on his hobby!

As someone else said, the job market is not great and even actively looking, a new job could take a while to find so what happens when the money runs out, he starts looking and realises there isnt a whole lot out there? The savings have run out so how are you paying now? And what if he gets a job and that doesnt work out, you have now both burned through any safety net so he can build an arcade!!

I think this whole thing sounds like he is enjoying being able to do not much aside from his hobby and he hasnt even considered the consequences.

Which is exactly what my exh did . Emptied joint current and savings accounts , took off and left me with a few pounds in my purse .
Been happily remarried for more than 30 years but separate finances.

Your mum is a saint. She is essentially paying your husband to sit at home tinkering with his projects. I would not let my mum continue doing this, so something has to change.

@Mylovelygreendress Exactly what happened to me, too. Which is why I would never have sole joint bank accounts like so many married women opt to do.
Because it can be emptied very quickly indeed by the other party and you are left with nothing.
I had 73p when I left.

Course he needs to find a job. Any job

I wouldn’t want fo use my savings when he isn’t even trying

and yes you don’t want him to be sole carer, get a divorce and end up paying him maintence. That happens to a friend of mine

I think you are cherry picking bits to suit and projecting here
The DH insisted on separate finances and now he is running out of money wants to use hers, funny that!
How has he been a good partner to her in this marriage ?
Leaving work, refusing to look for work , do chores or child care and spending 6 months building a game(!)
My DS did that when he was 16

Clearly this is not something lacking in the Op but this mans bizarre reaction to her being on ML
I wouldnt be surprised if he has been reading something in the " manosphere" and this is a strange type of revenge.

Time to send this one back to his mummy.

I took voluntary redundancy last year after getting burnt out at my job. The payout was equivalent to about 6 months pay. I took a proper 4 months out before searching for a job again. No way would I have done this if no payout was on the cards or had the gall to start building a new arcade?! wtf?? I’ve also taken on all the cooking, life admin, etc.

Your husband may very well have needed a short break but this is truly taking the piss.

I’m not a lawyer but mid divorce. Legally your marriage is still considered short, legally. As it lengthens the argument for the marital pot being divided equally increases. You might want to factor that in.

He must get a job, and you must keep your savings intact. That cash will evaporate frighteningly fast, and then what?

Im sorry but this is ridiculous, im glad he gets to just refuse to participate in being an adult and everyone else just picks up the slack! Doesn't want to do childcare, your mum picks it up (along with the bill!), doesnt want to do housework, the wife picks it up, doesnt want to work, the wife will pick it up. If only we all realised it was optional!

Unfortunately it sounds like the only person who can change this is you, he can refuse to do it, but you can refuse to tolerate it and it sounds like you are close to done anyway. So I would be looking at my options for protecting whats left of your savings and getting out.

You have a young child. He is neither looking for work nor addressing his mental health issues. I couldn’t forgive this irresponsible attitude. You say your savings will see you through five months. Then what? Could you lose your home? For me the marriage would be over.

Surely you need your savings for your 'sabbatical'?

Yes. We tell our daughters and son that they should always have some money that only they control at whatever stage they are in life.
OP has done this so is in a position to start specifying the expected behaviour. One of which is her partner getting some income coming into the household and the other is using his non working or non child care time to benefit the household by doing domestic work or DIY jobs.
Presumably, when the arcade is finished coded, his intention is to spend his day playing on it.

As you’re married (for the moment!), should you decide to separate or not, it’s all marital assets so there’ll be no his and yours savings (assuming you’re in UK). Likely best to start your exit plan while there is still a pot to split.

No, he shouldn't be spending through your savings w/o looking for a job. Five months is not THAT much savings considering how long it could take to find a job. The panic stations which that runs out and he HAS to get something will be unreal.

Using your savings to help him out when he makes no effort is a slippery slope, OP - been there, done that, and now no savings working extremely hard to keep whole family afloat due to lazy fecklessness of my husband and worrying endlessly. When my youngest (now 17) leaves home that’s it I’m off.

This is actually a really smart idea, if you are looking at divorce, give your mum your savings and frame it as payment for all the childcare costs and then she can save it for you for once the divorce is done and stops your Husband getting half of it and allows you to have a buffer post divorce.

How long did you take off for Maternity leave? Do you think he believes that he is entitled to the same?