AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

[Cary88]

AIBU to not go to my brother in laws 40th birthday holiday party in South America, because I don’t want any to leave my two young children?

Very generously we have been invited to his birthday holiday in a few months, 5-7 day trip pretty much all paid except flights, to celebrate my brother in laws 40th.
My DH thinks it’s crazy / unreasonable if I don’t go, because it’s his brother and they are very close, it’s a generous holiday and they always make an effort to visit us (they are based in South America)
However I have an niggling feeling that I shouldn’t go because of these reasons:

• I feel stressed at the thought of leaving my babies. My son will be turning 3 whilst we would be away and my baby girl will be 18 months. I am also worried they will feel stressed with us gone for 5-7 days.
• I will miss my son’s 3rd birthday !! (DH says he won’t realise / can celebrate a week before)
• I am anxious of getting flights so far away, what if something happens to them or us
• South America can be unstable with high crime rates, I know something happening is unlikely but it’s still in my mind

I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions of how to tackle these conversations?!

Well it’s not all expenses paid cos the flights are colossal and they’re expecting you to leave your tiny children AND sort out care for them. So no. Strong no.

“gosh we would LOVE to be there but it’s impossible with the children being so small. Hope you have a brilliant time, do take lots of photos and we will hopefully see you again soon.” Or similar.

I wouldn’t miss my child’s birthday under 19 full stop.

I wouldn't have even considered leaving my DC at that age, but it depends on your circumstances and what you're comfortable with. Who would they stay with and. If you've left them before etc .

That's really far to travel for 5-7 days!!

Are you happy for your partner to go on his own?

No I wouldn't leave my kids for that.

I'd send dh on his own

As an adult you can make your own decisions.. If that's to stay home then that's what you do...as dh can decide to go alone.

dh can go. problem solved.
id want to enjoy my child’s birthday. it’ll probably be the first one he can understand.

Absolutely not. My anxiety was through the roof when I left mine for the first time - and they were 16 and 13! And I was in Spain so a quick flight compared to hours and hours for SA. I’ve also not missed a single birthday either, nor can I imagine I’d ever choose to.

Your reservations are understandable. I would be reluctant to leave an 18 month old. If they regularly sleepover at GPs then maybe they could handle a longer stay away from you but if not, then I agree it would be extremely stressful for them.

If you’re happy for your DH to go without you then I don’t see there’s much of a problem. If anyone is offended they are putting their own needs over at 18 month olds they need to get over themselves.

I wouldn’t go. I did go on a trip for a week when DS are a toddler but I needed a break and missed him lots . I also used to work away mid week.

Now that DSs are older , I miss them when they go for a sleepover. No way I would feel comfortable with what is proposed .

just say no thank you! Let DH go alone.

Mike are 6 and 4. No chance! Stand your ground

Can you bring your children?

UANBU. I wouldn't go either.

Except for it being DC birthday I would find a way to go. It's a couple of days.

5 nts max, DH may be staying longer, all assuming you have GP to have the DC who are used to sleep overs etc.

The birthday just make me hesitate but DH is correct that DC wouldn't know.

I’m very relaxed about going away, and my kids going away without me, but I wouldn’t go that far from them at those ages.

Can the children not come? The baby will be near enough free on the plane. Make it into a 2 week holiday

Thank you all so much for replying so quickly and reassuring me. I think even writing it all down made me know I can’t go, I want my children to always know they were my priority and I know I would miss them too much and feel anxious about being far from them. (they would be with GPs, but my DS has only ever stayed 1 night at a time and my DD has not had a night away from me yet).
I don’t mind DH going by himself, I just also feel bad he will be alone and disappointed to do the trip without me.

oh and they said kids aren’t invited! To be fair their ow kids aren’t invited either. So it wasn’t an option bringing the babies.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving children of that age for so long either. Even if I wasn't so far away.

I can’t imagine not inviting my nieces or nephews if I was in your BiL’s place

i think you need to do what is best for you. There’s no point reluctantly going if you will be on edge and worried and guilty that you have left your child behind.
why can’t you all go as a family? I know there may be adult only events whilst out there so you may not all be together all of the time but it would alleviate the issue if the distance and how long your expected to leave your children for.
lastly, is this likely to cause problems with your ILs? Are they likely to hold a grudge about it? (It’s an invite, not a summons but worth considering)

They can't expect you to leave 2 little kids behind for a week, it's an awful lot of childcare for the GPs too. I wouldn't go. Would be different if it was a weekend. And to miss a birthday too, little kids' birthdays are special, it's for you to celebrate as well as the child. It's "week long overseas hen do" territory, a bit of an ego trip.

A week is a long time to celebrate yourself. I'd send DH for 5 days max.

They surely won’t actually be expecting you both to come?

its like when my cousin got married in Australia when I was going to have newborn twins. I was invited, but she knew I wasn’t ever going to be able to make that trip at that time. It was a polite invitation.

if they’ve have a brain between them they’ll know that you’re not going to leave two young children for a weeks travel to another continent for a birthday party.

They don’t have the right to be offended when they won’t let you bring your kids for such a long journey.

Presumably your DH will be going?