AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

[Cary88]

AIBU to not go to my brother in laws 40th birthday holiday party in South America, because I don’t want any to leave my two young children?

Very generously we have been invited to his birthday holiday in a few months, 5-7 day trip pretty much all paid except flights, to celebrate my brother in laws 40th.
My DH thinks it’s crazy / unreasonable if I don’t go, because it’s his brother and they are very close, it’s a generous holiday and they always make an effort to visit us (they are based in South America)
However I have an niggling feeling that I shouldn’t go because of these reasons:

• I feel stressed at the thought of leaving my babies. My son will be turning 3 whilst we would be away and my baby girl will be 18 months. I am also worried they will feel stressed with us gone for 5-7 days.
• I will miss my son’s 3rd birthday !! (DH says he won’t realise / can celebrate a week before)
• I am anxious of getting flights so far away, what if something happens to them or us
• South America can be unstable with high crime rates, I know something happening is unlikely but it’s still in my mind

I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions of how to tackle these conversations?!

It says in the OP that they are based there. The brother isn't going away for his birthday.

I wouldn’t be leaving my child and missing his birthday to go celebrate someone else’s!!
your kids are VERY young and a week is ages for them.
let them all be disappointed boo hoo, your kids come first. Who asks people to leave their very young kids for a week for a party! Let them be upset or whatever, they live too far away to affect your daily life.

I am very relaxed about travel without my children - I have to be because my job requires travel. However under the circumstances you’ve given, and with the current state of affairs, I would be declining that trip. For me, the birthday would be an immediate no to travel, but the added geopolitical issues in the region would confirm that decision!

No way I'd be travelling half way across the world without my kids and they're way older. Absolutely not. And my kids absolutely knew when their 3rd Birthday was and would have been really hurt. It's laughable that anyone would expect that from you and then be offended when you didn't go.

Same here. DH went to his best man’s wedding abroad when DS was 2. I stayed home.

So I did go away for about 5 days when my DC were this age but it was to Ibiza so a lot closer. We had a great time and I didn't regret it at all. We were going to go to America - west coast but I felt that was too far.

In your scenario, I probably wouldn't go but encourage my DH to go and have a great time.

I'm not sure whether I'd want to go in those circumstances (I've left mine for a few days and all was fine, but a week in April in South America is completely different, which I appreciate!) - but most importantly, you haven't really said anything that makes it sound like you want to go at all!! Don't let them persuade you when it sounds like you'd much rather be at home with your children. The third birthday would be important to me too xx

To be fair to the BIL, It’s not a 5 day celebration, just that it needs 5 days to be worth the visit for OP.

I live in a EU country and celebrated a milestone birthday with a big party. I invited friends from other countries to the party. Most came for 3 days, due to travel etc. No one was forced to; my BIL and his family were invited too out of politeness but didn’t.

In this case, OP should just stay at home but encourage her DH to attend. Or go with the kids, turn it into a family holiday (assuming it’s a suitable location?) and not go to the actual party.

No way would I leave my DC and go that far for that long. I would think less of my DH for being happy to do it.

I’d never leave my DD for that long, certainly not over her birthday!

You can't go, your children are too young. DH can go alone.

Yes can hubby go aline? I think a week with 2 young DC would be hard work for DM /DS as well! I don't see how they can object (also cheaper as well!)8

Dont feel bad for your husband - he won’t be alone he’ll be with family. No way I would miss my child’s birthday- at 3 they get properly excited for it too. And a week is a long time for an 18 month old to be away from both parents.

Yanbu. I'm all for a break from your kids or a child free event, but i don't think I could bring myself to be in a different continent for a week, or miss their birthday, even now and they are 16 and 10! 18 months is very young for both parents to be away that long.
Although flights to another continent are absolutely unaffordable to us anyway, so maybe it seems a bigger thing than to some? And I certainly wouldn't see it as a good deal if I was paying for flights. Surely they are very expensive?

I would let my dh go without me if it's important him though, as long as he can also afford a break away with me and the kids.

Well i certainly wouldn't go and leave my DC for a week long birthday celebration.

And tbh I find it a bit of MN double standards that so many posters think its fine for OP's DH to go off for a week long birthday bash at such a far away destination leaving his two very young children and missing one of their birthdays. His brother is an adult for heavens sake and making such a big deal of his own birthday and expecting it to take prscedence over his nieces and nepohews is totally ridiculous .

This is what I was thinking !

How much are flights, it’s not exactly a free holiday?

I wouldn’t want to be so far away from young DC, and why does BIL’s birthday trump your child’s birthday? Talking about Trump his volatility would make me reconsider any long haul travel at the moment, who knows who he might pick on next and impact airspace and travel restrictions

An overnight a short flight away, sure. A week in South America, not a chance.

It is damn selfish of any of them to expect anything other than a no from you.

Expecting that you would be willing to miss your little boys 3rd birthday is so brazen and arrogant too.

It also isn't pretty much all paid isn't true!! Have you looked at the price of flights to South America!?

In any case I would politely tell them all to fuck off. YADNBU

Agree with this. You are an adult. He can still go. You not going is your choice and they don't need to take it personally.

Why do some people make birthdays their entire personality 🙄

Its an invitation not a summons. You are an adult, if you don't want to go then don't go. I wouldn't.

It’s a no from me from a GParent. It’s too big an ask of grandparents, however young and active they are. We looked after 2 little GC for a weekend when their parents went to a wedding and it was so exhausting. The little one was about 12 months and woke regularly crying in the night, the 3 year old was crying for mummy and we had to dole out the calpol when one got a fever. A week would have been a nightmare . Now they are 5 and 7 and it’s easier but it’s still exhausting to have them overnight as they get up at the crack of dawn, want entertaining all the time etc.

No way José

i might now that my kids are high school age but at those ages not a chance

send dh

This is one of many times in your life when your children will have to take priority over your husband, and rightly so, because that should always be the case.

If he doesn't realise/accept that he shouldn't have become a father!

I wouldn’t prioritise my BIL’s birthday over my child’s birthday, no.

I also feel for the GPs, who would be looking after two very small children, parents a VERY long way away and children who've hardly ever even stayed overnight? That's too much to put on other people, the children will be distressed and it's too far for too long.

BIL will have to suck up the disappointment. I suppose DH could go, if he was willing, but it's a bit much all round really.