AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

[Cary88]

AIBU to not go to my brother in laws 40th birthday holiday party in South America, because I don’t want any to leave my two young children?

Very generously we have been invited to his birthday holiday in a few months, 5-7 day trip pretty much all paid except flights, to celebrate my brother in laws 40th.
My DH thinks it’s crazy / unreasonable if I don’t go, because it’s his brother and they are very close, it’s a generous holiday and they always make an effort to visit us (they are based in South America)
However I have an niggling feeling that I shouldn’t go because of these reasons:

• I feel stressed at the thought of leaving my babies. My son will be turning 3 whilst we would be away and my baby girl will be 18 months. I am also worried they will feel stressed with us gone for 5-7 days.
• I will miss my son’s 3rd birthday !! (DH says he won’t realise / can celebrate a week before)
• I am anxious of getting flights so far away, what if something happens to them or us
• South America can be unstable with high crime rates, I know something happening is unlikely but it’s still in my mind

I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions of how to tackle these conversations?!

with these type of posts I’m usually one of the people encouraging mums to take the trip, I regularly take short trips away without my children, but under these circumstances there’s no way I’d go. It’s your BILs choice whether or not to have a child free event, but it’s your choice to then decline the invitation. They’re too young, it’s too long, and too far away (in my view!). Tell him you’ll definitely be there for his 50th!

I doubt bil will give a shit if you aren't there...

When they come to visit you, do you insist their kids stay at home?

I wouldn’t be going away and leaving such young children for a week. Given your choice, I’d rather offend BIL than upset my children. Your DH can go to the celebration on his own.

Are any of the family originally from South American or are they ex pats living there with a certain lifestyle? I’m asking because it seems odd not to include your own children at your 40th birthday celebration!

I’m pretty chilled and would leave my dc now (ages 14-18) but would still feel guilty. Absolutely no way would I have left a 3yo and 18mo, go to another country and miss my dc birthday. Them asking you to do that to suit them is outrageous imo.

I definitely would not leave kids that young for that long. I left 3 yo Dc with their Dad for 3 days for a work event and that was more than enough.

Plus, I am not normally an overthinker about 'what might happen' but 3 weeks ago no one imagined that flights from Thailand to Sri Lanka to the UAE would be cancelled leaving people trapped and stranded. Trump only has to randomly turn his attention and a few missiles back to Venezuala and the airspace over S America could be the same.

If they invite people with small children they can hardly be surprised if you decline.

I wouldn’t go. Let your husband go alone. I’d never have missed any of my children’s birthdays and your three year old will be fully aware it’s their birthday, mine were at that age, yes their memories fade but on the day they know!

I love a destination wedding/overseas party etc but I wouldn’t go away over my DC’s birthdays and my youngest is 25!

I definitely wouldn't go. The children are far too young to be left that long, let alone missing his birthday.

Another who wouldn't go that far, for that long, with kids that age. Or for one's birthday!

Absolutely not. When DD was 3 I had only ever left her with GPs for one night at a time and I think that was maybe only twice. In each case we were still in the UK just a few hours drive away.

Your DH can go by himself. It's his brother after all.

I wouldn’t go in your shoes unless I could bring the kids and then leave them with babysitter on the party night

I wouldn't leave such young children for 5-7 days and I think it's rude of your in-laws to try to insist. Let them be offended.

Besides, I disagree with the idea that a 40-year-old's birthday necessitates a five day celebration whereas a 3-year-old's doesn't matter at all! OK, the three-year-old won't know exactly when his birthday is, but when you've only been around for three years, birthdays can be really exciting. I wouldn't want to miss my young child's birthday.

What happened to a night down the pub?!
If they want to go away to celebrate his 40th, thats great. But pretty unreasonable to expect you to leave your young children. Its not exactly a short hop on a plane to get home either.
I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't leave my child on their birthday.

What sort of idiot would even issue an invitation for such a long time to parents of such young children without including the children?

When you turn it down, don’t say anything about local safety, just say you can’t leave the children for that long.

No. I did leave my 18 month old for a 3 day hen do and I will leave him at 2.5 for 5 days for a wedding in Asia but he will be with his father. Neither of us is comfortable with the idea of both of us leaving him. It would be very confusing and distressing. Those ages don't travel well anyway, a flight to South America would be a pain.

"oh and they said kids aren’t invited! To be fair their ow kids aren’t invited either. So it wasn’t an option bringing the babies."

"I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go"

Honestly, they sound insufferable. They want to command you to:

1. Pay a fortune to fly there
2. At a time of their choosing (unlike if you were going on holiday)
3. For a length of time of their choosing
4. Without your two young children
5. And they want to act all offended if you don't want to be commanded.

No. Fuck them. You don't want to leave your young children for that length of time, and they don't get any say in that. If that offends them, tough shit.

And I don't care how close your husband is to his brother, he should be a damned sight closer to his own wife and children.

The 18 months old is too young to leave. That is your reason for not going, in its entirety (as far as your BIL is concerned). He could argue with 'feelings' and 'safety' and 'birthday'. He can't really argue with baby's age.

So "thanks for the invitation. I'd love to be joining you, but the littlest one isn't old enough to leave for a week, yet. I know that DH will celebrate with you for both of us, though"

I couldn’t imagine doing that either. I did turn down attending my cousins hen weekend in another country purely because I couldn’t not be around on my son’s birthday. However, saying this, my child was older and your DH is right, your 3 yo won’t know if you move his birthday forward a week, as long as everyone is in on the fib!

If you’re happy with whom you’ll be leaving your kids with and trust they will do a great job caring for them, then yes, go have fun, you only live once!

Not wanting to leave your toddler and baby for a week to fly long haul is a perfectly reasonable excuse!

I’m usually one to say of course you should go, but in this case I wouldn’t, it’s not even the birthday, it’s just so far away when they’re so young. I wouldn’t have been able to relax

DH and I made a pact that we would try not to leave the kids and go abroad until they were in a position to take care of themselves. Yes I know we could both be in a car accident…… SA is so far away and in any case a week’s holiday won’t be worth the expense, jet lag etc. tbh I am surprised DH wants to go

No would never leave or have left any of my children at those ages to go abroad. The most we did was an anniversary couple of days and hour away in a nice hotel so I had peace of mind I could get home quickly if needed.

No way. I would maybe do a long weekend somewhere within an hour or two if GPs were looking after them- but not on a birthday! Stand your ground. It’s totally unrealistic and unreasonable of them.

My dd is 2 and I don’t leave her for more than the occasional night. Your own child’s birthday is more important than an adult’s. Leaving a child (at those ages) with a non- parent for more than maybe 2 nights is too much. Your DH is being selfish for thinking 5-7 days is fine!