AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

[Cary88]

AIBU to not go to my brother in laws 40th birthday holiday party in South America, because I don’t want any to leave my two young children?

Very generously we have been invited to his birthday holiday in a few months, 5-7 day trip pretty much all paid except flights, to celebrate my brother in laws 40th.
My DH thinks it’s crazy / unreasonable if I don’t go, because it’s his brother and they are very close, it’s a generous holiday and they always make an effort to visit us (they are based in South America)
However I have an niggling feeling that I shouldn’t go because of these reasons:

• I feel stressed at the thought of leaving my babies. My son will be turning 3 whilst we would be away and my baby girl will be 18 months. I am also worried they will feel stressed with us gone for 5-7 days.
• I will miss my son’s 3rd birthday !! (DH says he won’t realise / can celebrate a week before)
• I am anxious of getting flights so far away, what if something happens to them or us
• South America can be unstable with high crime rates, I know something happening is unlikely but it’s still in my mind

I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions of how to tackle these conversations?!

Even if my child wouldn’t know that I was away for their birthday I would know and wouldn’t enjoy myself! Your Dh is being a bit of an idiot.

If it wasn’t dc birthday I’d go.

Exactly this

DC is 30s and we still laugh about their third birthday, which they remember clearly. We hosted playgroup and nursery friends, and booked a clown who smelt of cigarettes. We still have the clown's receipt, and the photos my DSis took and made into a little album. My earliest memory is just before my own third birthday, when my DB was just born and I ate roast beef and carrots with garden mint off willow pattern plates in my nan's bedroom downstairs.

It sounds like you don’t want to go which is perfectly ok and understandable. I wouldn’t have gone in your situation.

However I think some people are being a bit harsh on your BIL. I think 40 is a big birthday- I’ve had friends who died before they were 40 so we make a big thing about reaching it. Also he lives in South America so it’s not long haul for him (we are also assuming the OP lives in Europe whereas she might live in the USA and SA isn’t a long haul flight). SA is also a very big continent so it really depends where it is on stability, ease of access etc.

I absolutely don’t think you have to go but BIL is entitled to celebrate how he likes, and you are entitled to decline.

Sure, right up to the point where OP says she expects them to be offended if the invitation is declined.

Surely if people on another continent invite someone with two kids, 3 and under and then say said kids can't come (which they're perfectly entitled to do) they'll understand that you can't automatically come?!
Assuming you're in the UK it's a hell of a long way to go for a week without your babies.
I had the occasional night out when mine were that age as had great parental support but no way would I have gone to America without them for a week (or abroad full stop.) Especially if it meant missing a birthday too!

I would never in a million years leave my children without either me or my husband being at home for that distance!

What if one got sick? what if there was an emergency? children get unwell very quickly - I would just never!

I remember being worried about going on a friends 40th in fact so - similar situation - it was only to spain for a weekend but I didn't want to leave my 5 year old for a massive bender and my husband was away for work - I said no in the end and that weekend my daughter developed severe pneumonia and ended up spending a week in hospital.

It gives me shivers remembering that - now, obviously you can't always turn down trips because of worries about kids being sick but what I would probably avoid is both parents being so far away they couldn't quickly return.

Even without a 3 year's birthday I still wouldn't have left my young kids for a family birthday in another country let alone South America

No it doesn't sound lame to want to celebrate your child's birthday, on their actaul birthday🙄

The whole trip is being centred around a 40 year old wanting to throw a massive party for his birthday, that's fine , but he must also understand that the OP doesn't want to attend for perfectly valid reasons, including her own child's birthday.

i wouldn't call it a feud, she just cut me off and I've stopped trying to make it right. Her nephews/nieces have very little/no recollection of her. utter madness

Goodness. Well, it's certainly a ridiculous situation, not of your making. Nothing you can do.

I understand it doesn't sound like that to you and other people. It does to me and other people. Exact ratios does matter.

If I understand the OP's intentions, she plans to decline the invitation and wants to avoid bad feelings on all sides. Therefore, my recommendation is to not make the "birthday date" sound like the main issue (especially if it isn't for her), because there is a relevant chance it would sound as a dull excuse and cause the bad feelings.

Yes, 40 yo men is planning a birthday celebration. Or, is using his birthday to plan a family meeting and would like to see his brother who lives on a different continent (I suspects the OP's husband is from SA and moved abroad).

With the nanny update, it sounds there will be a few cultural differences in play, so it makes sense to choose which of all reasons which the OP has for not going to present. Especially if there is a chance that his brother will listen and plan with that limitation the next time.

Given that your kids are so young and haven't really had time away from you so you don't know how they would react to your long absence, along with

they would be with GPs, but my DS has only ever stayed 1 night at a time and my DD has not had a night away from me yet).

That would be a no from me. And I love to travel and would be fine in Spanish speaking countries. I'm not that cool with all inclusives either.

You need to tell your DH and his family that being raised by nannies is definitely not normal here in the UK. We have very different expectations about children being included in family occasions and holidays. Childcare is also MUCH more expensive here, so it’s only the very wealthiest elite that can afford to have live in staff. There’s nothing wrong in your BIL wanting a party for adults only but equally you have every right to say no I don’t want to leave our very young children for a week.

I absolutely wouldn’t have gone that far when mine were that little - to be fair I wouldn’t go that far from mine now they’re teens either as it would feel like a lot of family money spent on just one/ two people but that’s a personal thing re my own budget.

It’s not for them to be offended though! It’s a really long way to go, they’ve stipulated you can’t bring your kids, it’ll cost alot for the flights and there are other things like annual leave to consider!

Not a chance I would have done it, even when they were teens.
I understand some parents happily do it, but I certainly wouldn't dream of it.
My husband wouldn't have either, but if you are happy for him to go, fair enough.
A huge ask for grandparents too IMO.

Your husband and his brother being left with nannies is irrelevant really, as your kids don't have one, so the situation is totally different.