AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

[Cary88]

AIBU to not go to my brother in laws 40th birthday holiday party in South America, because I don’t want any to leave my two young children?

Very generously we have been invited to his birthday holiday in a few months, 5-7 day trip pretty much all paid except flights, to celebrate my brother in laws 40th.
My DH thinks it’s crazy / unreasonable if I don’t go, because it’s his brother and they are very close, it’s a generous holiday and they always make an effort to visit us (they are based in South America)
However I have an niggling feeling that I shouldn’t go because of these reasons:

• I feel stressed at the thought of leaving my babies. My son will be turning 3 whilst we would be away and my baby girl will be 18 months. I am also worried they will feel stressed with us gone for 5-7 days.
• I will miss my son’s 3rd birthday !! (DH says he won’t realise / can celebrate a week before)
• I am anxious of getting flights so far away, what if something happens to them or us
• South America can be unstable with high crime rates, I know something happening is unlikely but it’s still in my mind

I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions of how to tackle these conversations?!

Just to add my agreement - don't go. You don't want to leave two very small children and you don't want to miss your DC birthday. South America is too much of a distance in an emergency.
Apart from anything else, it'll be expensive. Your DH really needs to listen to you and understand your concerns.

I've travelled a little and am chill about thus stuff, but no, I wouldn't have left the kids at those ages for so long. I'd also be very worried about the grandparents coping.

Do you want to go, OP? That’s the main question. Because each of these problems is solvable, but if you don’t that’s fine. Just own it.

I assume your BIL is not in the (illicit) drugs trade? Then it should be fine. Just follow Foreign Office advice.

Your DC are not prohibited from making the trip, are they? It’s just a party for adults. Your DH ought to be able to share child care arrangements with his brother or arrange something through him. If your DC are very shy of strangers this might take some thought, or you might miss the party itself but at least you could be in South America having a nice holiday!

If presented properly, there is every chance your DS would enjoy celebrating his 3td abroad, with cousins you have been talking up. (He can have a party at a different time if you like) The baby will be fussed over by everyone.

I’ve been on several long haul flights lately where the DC have done very well. And the time difference may only be 3 hours.

Still, it’s a long way. Only you know if your family is up for the trip. No one should judge you if you aren’t.

Edit: there is every chance your DS will enjoy celebrating his 4th abroad….

Surely BIL’s thought process would be “they might not be able to come because their kids are so little but let’s invite them just in case”. Then when you decline it’s accepted gracefully with complete understanding. I think some people live in another world OP!

To be honest, @poetryandwine , it's a bit of an unknown. I regularly go to South America, but it very much depends on the location. After a long flight there may be significant additional travel, and the infrastructure can be very variable. It's going to be very costly, all in.

I wouldn’t travel that distance for 5-7 days, personally. What a faff, with everything else you’ve got going on.

You’ve got perfectly valid reasons for not going, so that’s all that matters.

For me it would also depend on the cost of flights/affordability for me, what the nature of what BIL is paying for and childcare. It’s interesting you didn’t mention childcare in the OP, although i have seen it in the follow up. If it was some sort of once in a lifetime stay and flights were affordable, then I’d go. If it has going to make a dent in my finances for the kind of stay I could do myself in a few years with the kids, then I wouldn’t go to all the hassle.

Nope, it wouldn't be happening for me
1, I think asking grand parents to babysit 2 kids for a week is too much.
2, Too far a distance to travel home if there was an emergency with a child.
3, Not a hope in hell I'd be missing my childs birthday for a birthday party of a grown arsed man who has already had 39 of them.
4, While I love my in laws, I dont think I could manage a full week with all of them and still stay sane.

I can imagine it could feel like too much for OP, depending on the particulars. If so it’s not for anyone to criticise. It does come down to the particulars .

But I wondered why she had not discussed the possibility of bringing DC.

DH will need to go by himself. If DC were older you could explain rationally to them what was going on., but not at 18 months and 3. There’s the bday thing too. I only started missing DC birthday because they were at uni.

They can't be offended if your children aren't invited. Also if they're offended that you'll miss his birthday yet you'd miss the birthday of your own child which is surely more important to you. That's a big ask for someone else to look after your children, I would think most people would say no, I certainly wouldn't go. I couldn't leave my children. Glad you got lots of support on here, a shame your husband doesn't see it the same way.

I wouldn’t go. Let your husband go alone

Have your parents even agreed to looking after your children for this length of time? Having one small grandchild on a sleepover for one night is hard work when you're getting on a bit, having two for several days is pretty unimaginable - especially when you factor in that they will be miserable and missing their mum and won't understand why she's away so long. What are they supposed to do if your children get ill?

Their own children are not invited? Wow!
As pp said, they'll be offended if you miss BiL's birthday but it's OK to miss your own child's? And your DH thinks that is OK too? Sorry OP, I think you married into a family of arseholes.

It sounds as if it was clearly a "child free" invitation.

I'd go, as long as I could be sure the DC would be comfortable and happy with GP for the week and if they're fit and healthy enough to cope with all eventualities. I'd facetime every day and have the best birthday celebration for the 3 year old when back.

I was in a similar position OP when mine were similar ages. My sister was getting married in America . I just couldn't leave them, she was pretty furious. The hotel everyone stayed in caught fire in a bad way and they all had to be evacuated it was on the news. I can't imagine my DH at home with the little ones watching that knowing I was there. She hasn't spoken to me since and that was 20 years ago-she's since divorced. I don't regret any of it. My babies needed me more than she did.

When people move aboard it's like hen /stag /weddings they can't expect everyone to attend due to cost /child care/ don't want to.
H can go on his own with his big boy trousers and as for for your bil, sil etc if they want to sulk and tantrum let them. It's only a birthday party after all aboard for a couple of days. It would be a firm no from me leaving such young kids too and I certainly wouldn't take them with me.

@Conniebygaslight - how self absorbed would you have to be, to bear a grudge after all this time, including a divorce! Crazy.

I want my children to always know they were my priority

You can still have / need a break away from your DC and they remain your priority, many couples with young DC have breaks away mainly for their sanity You don't want to go somewhere far away which is fair enough but you don't need to be with your kids 24/7 to ensure they know they are priority in your life.

We didn't go to America for my d's wedding, she's living out there, it was facetimed to us. Apart from the cost h hates flying and I've got no wish to visit the states. She was the one who suggested it as it was a very quiet low key affair.
Everything worked out well and she was happy 'we were there' especially when the preacher said "Wellies junior's parents can't be with us today but they are watching on live stream from England. Hi guys over across the pond." And waved, not a dry eye in the house😓

I wouldn't go and I'd tell DH that he shouldn't go either and make it clear it's because of your DS's birthday.

I understand why you haven't said which country but they vary quite a lot in political stability so depending on which country it is it might be an option to say 'sorry, can't travel without the kids over DS's birthday but can come another time with the whole family'. The flights will be the biggest percentage of the cost so BIL paying for accomodation is neither here nor there.

The party, not necessarily the trip

@poetryandwine but BIL is paying/sorting accommodation and I assume planning stuff around the birthday party