AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

[Cary88]

AIBU to not go to my brother in laws 40th birthday holiday party in South America, because I don’t want any to leave my two young children?

Very generously we have been invited to his birthday holiday in a few months, 5-7 day trip pretty much all paid except flights, to celebrate my brother in laws 40th.
My DH thinks it’s crazy / unreasonable if I don’t go, because it’s his brother and they are very close, it’s a generous holiday and they always make an effort to visit us (they are based in South America)
However I have an niggling feeling that I shouldn’t go because of these reasons:

• I feel stressed at the thought of leaving my babies. My son will be turning 3 whilst we would be away and my baby girl will be 18 months. I am also worried they will feel stressed with us gone for 5-7 days.
• I will miss my son’s 3rd birthday !! (DH says he won’t realise / can celebrate a week before)
• I am anxious of getting flights so far away, what if something happens to them or us
• South America can be unstable with high crime rates, I know something happening is unlikely but it’s still in my mind

I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions of how to tackle these conversations?!

Sounds lovely. They didn't do live streaming 20 years ago but even if they did, my sister wouldn't have done it. She was furious that I chose to stay at home with my 3 under 5. She didn't have children.

And????

DC in accommodation are free or cheap.
There is no indication that BIL is planning to exclude children from anything other than a party for adults.

Whoa, that's mad, YANBU! I wouldn't leave a 3 year old and an 18 month old for a week, that's completely insane. The baby won't understand why you've suddenly disappeared.

Don't do it, your DH can go by himself.

He's supposedly an adult man, he should be able to cope with the fact his sil might not be there, or even his b for that matter. As I said up thread about destination weddings etc. 'It's only the cost of the flights' so what? Not everyone wants to or could afford it.

I am normally relaxed about this sort of thing, I have left my child with grandparents on a number of occasions, however I wouldn't agree to something that would fall over his birthday. We make a big deal of birthdays is our house, and at age 3, a child is definitely aware.

I usually have no issues leaving my DS at home with someone I trust if I’m given the opportunity to travel but I wouldn’t miss a birthday.

Yes. I know.
No-one can dictate if a trip is child free!
Taking children long distance for them to be in childcare with strangers isn't everyone's choice, either in terms of money or parenting.
Before you say "they might not be strangers!", they're not exactly familiar.

I cannot imagine having the self importance to expect people to stump up for transatlantic flights, leave their small children for close to/a week, miss one small child's birthday, leave grandparents holding the fort all for my (adult) birthday. Genuinely breathtaking imo!

There is absolutely no way I would go - kids are way too young and I certainly wouldn’t miss my 3 year olds birthday. Your husband needs to give his head a serious wobble.

That's very much her problem! What a long feud.

Thanks everyone!
just to clarify, the ‘party’ is a 4 day all inclusive adult only remote resort. Hence why it wasn’t even an option to consider how to make it work with bringing the children, but also very generous of them.
Seems to be common (where my relatives are in South America) to have full time Nannie’s who are part of the family, so they have always left their babies from young ages, I think they just don’t realise what a big deal it is to ask to me to leave mine.
This poll has been really useful, as I will show my DH the results to help him understand! He was left with Nanny’s a lot when he was a child, whereas I always had my parents around so we come from different perspectives.

Ultimately, you don't want to do this, so that would be a lot of effort and expense wasted, really. I know the kind of resort you mean, so your children wouldn't exactly be nearby.
Just talk to your DH, explaining what you've said on here.

Yanbu. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my children for that long when they were that young, no way.
Also if something serious happened you’re so far away and wouldn’t be able to get back quickly.
And their birthdays are really important to me, whether they’re old enough to realise the date or not. Stand up to your husband and do what’s right for you.

@Cary88 how remote? What is the travel time for what is essentially a long weekend?

I understand not wanting to leave them for a week in that age.

Not going because it would mean postponing the 3yo's birthday celebration by free or four days sounds really lame.

I understand some people "take birthday seriously", but to the rest it sounds weird.

What I mean by that - if you decide to not go, just explain you can't leave that young children so far away for so long, but for a peace in family, don't use the birthday as a main part of the excuse (or preferably not at all).

YANBU. My kids are older than yours and I wouldn’t go

I wouldn’t go. Your children are too young and although I’m sure they would be fine physically with grandparents, you wouldn’t enjoy yourself anyway because you’d be worrying the whole time.

But I wouldn't mention the birthday or the crime rate as justification - in my opinion they sound daft and weaken your case.

I personally wouldn’t leave our children that little for so long or for so far away.

we went to a wedding for 3 nights which was a 3 hour drive away but that’s as far as I was willing to go, it was dh’s cousins wedding.

I wouldst have gone out the country and definitely wouldn’t have gone to another continent and missed my child’s birthday.

I don't understand why the three/four year old's birthday is not a valid reason to NOT go when an adult's birthday is the reason TO go? I'd certainly not prioritise an adult relative's birthday over my own child's.

I wouldn't miss my child's birthday full stop.
I was on the fence before you said that as I am very pro parent's having their own time too. But even then it took me until my children were 3 and 7 to leave them for a week to go on holidays (for a milestone anniversary). Reluctantly but I did enjoy it in the end.

My 8 year old still reminds my parents they missed his 4th birthday as they were on holiday. Noone though he would remember or care .....but he does and reminds them every year!!!

Your youngest is not used to staying with GPs ... to suddenly leave for 5/6 nights will be very confusing.
Speaking as a GM it is a lot to ask them to take on. A miserable confused toddler wondering what's going on will be very hard work on their own, let alone having a 3 year old too.

Tbh, I don’t think your DH should even go. It’s not a ‘generous’ offer at all - flights to South America will cost a fortune for starters. Surely you have better things to spend your money on with a young family?

I’ve never understood adults needing a big fuss made for their birthdays and 40 isn’t even a massive deal or milestone. To expect people to travel half way across the world to celebrate a birthday is selfish and entitled.

No way would I leave such young children for 5-7 days, especially to go to another continent where it would be impossible (and really expensive) to get back quickly in the event of an emergency. I couldn’t relax or enjoy myself.

If it were me, we would decline the invitation completely. If your husband feels he really has to go, he should go alone, but I think it’s a ridiculous distance/expense to celebrate a bloody birthday.

YANBU, that's NOT pretty much all paid for at all!!

100% 👏🏻👏🏻

It would be a no from me too. The children are too young. And even now with older DC whilst I might be persuaded to leave them for a week in Europe I personally couldn’t travel so far away from mine. Particularly not at the moment with global politics being what it is.