AIBU to consider shaving my 7-year-old’s legs after teasing?

[Gillettegirl]

I mentioned to DD7 this morning (as I was trying to cram her arm into her polo shirt that’s suddenly too small) it won’t be long before she can start wearing her summer uniform dresses to school. She looked upset by this and asked if she could wear tights with them. I said she’d be too hot in the summer in tights, to which she replied, ‘well I’ll still be wearing my cardigans in the summer’.

DD has olive skin, and the hairs on her arms and legs do show up against her skin (they fade in summer to be less noticeable). Turns out one of the boys in her class has told her she is so hairy she looks like a boy. I said that just because one person said that it doesn’t mean it’s true. This boy is a bit of a gobby character and apparently a few of the girls in the class agreed with him, so she said it must be true.

DD does sports outside of school, which I encourage as I want her to be confident about her body, and all the other benefits exercise brings. Nobody at her sports classes has ever mentioned her ‘hairiness’ but I wonder how long it will be before she loses confidence and doesn’t want to go anymore.

Now, my initial response was ‘sod it, let’s just shave her arms and legs, then’ – I shave mine, we live in the UK where it’s the norm, chances are she’ll end up shaving when she’s a teenager anyway, so what’s the point in making her suffer the next few years at primary school, for the sake of thinking she’s too young to be shaved. For info – I will be shaving her if we do it – not going to let her loose with a razer blade until she’s much older. I think her being confident about her body is extremely important, and once that confidence is lost, it’s difficult to get back.

On the other hand, it pisses me off that we’re in this situation at such a young age. I also don’t want to set off an idea in her head that if there’s something you’re not happy with in your appearance, you can just change it, and set her on a path of endless facelifts, boob jobs and butt lifts. Probably overthinking things here.

Don’t shave her – you are being unreasonable
Shave her – you are NOT being unreasonable

I took DD for leg waxing when she was 9 or 10 for the same reason. I wouldn’t have shaved though because of the stubble.

I have really strong feminist views and once I became educated about the politics of women being expected to remove body hair to satisfy patriarchal ideals rooted in misogyny and racism, I stopped removing mine.

I would love to live in a world where this wasn't an issue, and am happy as an adult woman to take a stand against it.

BUT as a dark skinned little girl who went through untreated precocious puberty and was bullied throughout primary and most of secondary for having body hair and large breasts that i had no say over and most definitely stopped me doing sports, devastated my mental health and resulted in a borderline eating disorder, I would say it is not your daughter's, nor my daughter's, responsibility to change the world at the expense of their own wellbeing when they are too young to understand the politics or consent to this.

So I have been shaving my daughter's legs and armpits, at her request, since about 8 or 9, because her psychological wellbeing and enjoyment of her childhood takes precedence over my feminist ideals when she would be the one getting bullied.

I have explained to her that body hair is natural, and that it is not OK for girls and women to be made to feel like they have to remove it, and that I as a grown woman choose to reject the harmful beauty standards our culture imposes, however I also understand what it is like to go through school, and do not want her to suffer like I did, for principles that aren't hers, and frankly weren't mine either as a little girl.

I was very hairy (considerably less with age) and used to shave my legs in summer as an adult.

For a seven year old I’d be inclined to lighten the hairs with cream and trim them short rather than shave them. Would that work for your DD?

But you did it at 17 because someone teased you once, why is it different for this little girl who has been teased by more than one person and she isn;t told enough to be able to do anything by herself?

I agree it's disgusting that anyone is made to feel this way for being a natural, but they ARE made to feel this way and some will continue to be cruel. She should be reassured that hair is completely normal, but also her feelings should be listened to. If maybe bleaching her hair or similar makes her feel more confident right now, why not allow it? When she gets older she'll likely do it anyway, just like the majority of women.

I don't understand this opinion it's fine to let her get bullied and make her miserable because of the patriarchy or whatever, when she'll end up doing it in a few years like the majority do when their hair becomes noticeable. The OPs DD just happens to have more noticeable hair right now and it's upsetting her.

By talking about how hair is completely normal and this boy/those girls are just little shits (in age appropriate terms) plus giving her choices that you support, is going to instill confidence. Not forcing her to be constantly worried about it and deal with awful comments.

As much as we'd like to live in a kind, lovely world, we don't. As long as she knows there is nothing wrong with her, she should have some sort of say in how to feel more confident. Until all the mum's and teachers stop removing leg hair, girls are going to see it as the done thing once hair becomes prominent.

If you do this @Gillettegirl you will be reinforcing what this boy and nasty girls have said. You will be directly contributing to her body image issues which will affect her for life.
Please don't do this. Speak to the school about the bullying behaviour from both the boy and girls in question.
When did it become normal for women and/or girls to shave their arms? I ask because its not something anyone i know even in my dds generation does.

Aw hell no.

Please don't teach your DD at such a tender age that she must pander to and change herself to suit men and their shite.

There's nothing wrong with her exactly the way she is.

You say she will be shaving in a few years anyway - who says she will? maybe she will, maybe she'll choose not to. Either way, it should be her choice, made freely with no pressure, and now is the perfect time to start teaching this lesson.

Don't look at the short term effect on the bullying that shaving might have, look at the long term damage and the message you are sending her.

And tell the school. Mention misogyny, discrimination, whatever words you need to use for them to take it seriously. They need to speak to the boys and his parents,cand have a whole class discussion so the girls who joined in also get the message loud and clear.

Very well said!

Do you shave your legs/arm pits? Does your DD?

At 7, no way. Bullies will always find something to criticise. I remember when my DD asked if she could shave her arms at primary but I said no way, maybe when you’re older. Now she shaves nothing (adult).

Absolutely do not shave a 7yo! It will just make the hair grow harder, darker and stronger.

My sister had the same issue with her daughter, she used a special dye to make them lighter so they were a lot less visible. It worked well for my niece.

I would but not with a razor. An electric lady shave sort of thing would be better. It’s a myth that hairs grow back thicker and darker. I’d not want her being embarrassed or teased. Yes the behaviour of the boy needs addressing also.

I had thick dark body hair as a young girl, it made my life completely miserable. I was the one wearing thick tights and cardigan to school all the way through the summer. My life only got better when I got laser treatment many years later.

I’d have a word with your DDs teacher about the gobby boy and see if it settles down. If it doesn’t I’d be helping your DD to remove the offending hair.

100% agree

I was a ‘hairy’ child who wasn’t allowed to shave, nonetheless I do not think shaving the legs of a 7 year old is the answer, and that working on how to respond to silly comments from 7 year old boys rather than internalising them, treating them as if they are true and important and meaningful, and acting on them, would be more helpful. What if they say something about her eyebrows? Or her upper lip hair?

My DD shaved her legs at a similar age for similar reasons. After doing it a couple of times the whole issue settled down. I think knowing that she could choose whether to shave her legs or not gave her a feeling of control over it and it has not been an issue since.

My youngest daughter is 11, and I’ve been taking her for an eyebrow wax for about 12 months. She is very pale skinned with jet black hair. Since a toddler she’s had huge black eyebrows that have, over time, become a monobrow. Her dad is dark haired. Me, her 2 siblings and all my extended family are blonde and light ginger. Which makes it more noticeable possibly.

Like you I wrestled with this. Course I raised it with school, the comments from the boys about her huge eyebrows and monobrow. School tried to stamp on it and had talks about not mentioning anyone’s personal appearance etc…..

But of course it carried on; she mentioned it more and more. I did ask her what she wanted, then we got them waxed. The monibrow is gone, the rest is v subtle. We go about every 6 weeks. They don’t even charge me. They look completely natural.

Her legs are the same. She hasn’t mentioned them, of course I haven’t. But I willl deal with that in the same way if she does. Through gritted teeth. She’s not going to single handily change decades of society conditioning, patriarchy and beauty standards by putting up with a monobrow that she hates and makes her feel uncomfortable. I’ve decided not to overthink it.

I'd get her an electric shaver so she has the option when she's ready. They're pretty easy and quick and safe.

This! I've been shaving my legs for decades, what a man might, or not not, like has never entered my mind. And yes, there was a time when I didn't shave them in my 20s, but I then changed my mind and have shaved them ever since - even in winter when no-one sees my legs. Some of us are quite capable of making our own decisions.

No I wouldn't. I would also stop shaving mine to show her it's normal. I'd also speak with the school.

Granted she wasn’t 7 it was more like 9 but dd2 got like this. I bought her hair removal cream and let her remove the hair. She’s 13.5 now and though she shaves her legs she doesn’t do it for weeks on end sometimes. Especially in the winter she’s not that bothered.
It’s just leg hair. No one ever regrets removing it.

As I said, I couldn't comment without knowing how much hair is present. Do you have any helpful specific suggestions on ways to shut down the comments?

Same

@Gillettegirl I was in your exact position about 4 years ago, my little girl was 7 aswell & got teased by a boy in her class, it massively affected her confidence, I was so worried and torn about what to do & looked at every old thread on mumsnet about it! I obviously explained she just has olive skin and darker hair & that it was no big deal, but she was just so self conscious & it broke my heart, I decided to trial it & I got her a battery operated dry razor, it was the best thing I ever did for her, she used it ( a child's hair doesn't grow back the same way that an adults does) & within a few weeks it was just a non issue, (her confidence totally bounced back) instead of it been a problem, it wasn't anything she really thought about, she's 11 now and might do it twice a year, before sporting season starts and maybe again during the summer but it completely alleviated the problem altogether, and she has forgotten it was ever really an issue. As someone that was in your position I would do it again in a heartbeat!

I would use hair removal cream rather than shave them

Ask her and do what she wants