To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Op, how is your friends health? Could she have PND that she’s managing to mask? I’d be asking her how she is and I think I’d even speak to her mum and see what she thinks.

Same. Before now, I've seen women who have a decent man been made to feel that the extra capacity this creates is a resource they should share out. This has the same vibes.

I really feel for the friend though. Her DP is a useless fucker.

Do you find you're able to settle her baby better than she can?
Maybe she needs advice about how to get her baby to nap.
I think that "difficult" babies can sometimes be the result of maternal anxiety.

Who, me? I'm saying it's not on!

Just another one to say YANBU. I struggled massively: my partner worked 12 hour shifts (and was pretty useless when he was home), we have no family nearby and my son was a dreadful sleeper. However I wouldn’t have dreamed of having a friend do free regular childcare for me, especially one who had two little ones of her own! She gets help from her mum two days a week as well so it’s not like she hasn’t got any support.

Well done for putting boundaries in. If the response is anything other than “no problem, thanks for all you’ve done and sorry if I’ve asked too much” then she’s not the friend you deserve. You have done waaaaay more than pretty much anyone else would.

Just read your post back to yourself OP. Seriously ask yourself whether you think you’re being unreasonable (you’re not!!).

@Cosmicpickle- if she’s prepared to leave her 4 month old for 4 days a week, she can go back to work and pay a childminder. In fact that would be the best thing she could do with a shit partner.

Say no to the overnight and say you also need to take a break from the week time care now as it’s too much for you. You can add that you are a little hurt she’s never offered a break for you - suggest she pays for childcare.

No, she's just weak and socialised to defer to men.

HE's the one taking the piss - out of the op and out of his wife, who he is exploiting like the abusive mean selfish prick he is.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt..

I think she has become more and more reliant on you and her mum. 4 days a week she has help from you both. She sees it as the easy option, rather than sort her own life out and the more you do the more she will ask for, as its easier that way

Its now time to help her help herself, stand firm and point her in the direction of self help

This
I am not being insensitive when I say that many first time mums have to deal with the same and just have to cope, irrespective of how hard it is.
I don't know anyone who has had or expected that level of support from anyone.
Needs to stop OP, for the sake of you and your family

You must have the patience of a saint, she’s absolutely taking the Mickey. Helping someone in the first few days and weeks is one thing but she’s really overstepping the mark. You need to start saying no and be firm.

So she basically has free childcare on the bzck of you and her mother 4 days a week?
What the hell am i reading?
You are an unbelievable mug that needs to mind herself before you get sick.

I think it would be better if you let this relationship go as she is absolutely a user.

Put yourself and your health and family first.
Honestly I have never read anything so ridiculous.

Just lie and say your eldest is ill with whatever and is ill for 2 weeks and then the baby got it and its been a horrible few weeks and that you will then be keeping your kids away from other kids and babies as you dont want them ill again

You sound like a lovely friend but the old adage put your own oxygen mask on first etc. maybe you could guide her to support places , I’m old , but like her health visitor , and yeah her husband sounds like a piece of work . Good luck x

I'd also let your DH mention it to the woman's DP, he can hardly acuse you of being unreasonable when he can't even step up and look after his own DC.

Your friend should be pleased that you want him to know, if she is struggling and it turns out she is suffering from PND she'll be able to get the help she needs from professionals, and her DP will be part of that.

If she doesn't want to seek professional advice how long does she expect you to look after her DC for?

Out of interest OP what is she doing when you have the baby and then her mum has the baby?
Is she working? Or working in the home? Or catching up on rest? It's a long time to not be with her 4 month old.

I agree with all the above posts . We all find it hard as a new Mum but we just have to deal with it . I had 4 and no help whatsoever. It was the 1970s and most men thought it was the mothers responsibility to look after the kids . I had no choice and didn't h ave the option to be struggling or in tears. You are being taken advantage of you must know this .

One small baby is a piece if cake to look after , tell her you can't manage it anymore It's beyond ridiculous that she's expecting this of you .

You're being taken for a fool.

You sound like a lovely friend but you are not helping long term by providing this level of support. Your friend needs to tackle whatever is going on for her as well as the issue of her partner not being supportive and being an active parent. This poor baby should also be bonding with their parents not you.

It does however take a village to raise a child but you have done much more plus your own children are very young still.

You’re a saint, definitely time to pull back

OP - you need to cut right back. Obviously you have been doing way over the above and beyond and it needs to stop.

But I think many PP are being harsh on your friend, who quite clearly has PND or is not coping due to some other reason.

This can't be supported by you providing more and more care and running yourself ragged - or compromising your time with your own children.

She MUST talk to her HV and GP and be honest about what has been happening and that she isn't coping.

Taking on ridiculous levels of care of her baby is just enabling her to get worse, and will affect the bonding with her baby,

You need to mention this to the health visiting service as she may be experiencing post partum depression. These babies are just a few months old, not many women are happy to pass over their little 4 month old to someone else to care for, for full days, while they do nothing. It would be more understandable if she needed to work but you haven't suggested this is the case.
It suggests something has gone wrong in her bonding with her baby tbh

So you do two days and her mum does two days. So she hardly has her baby at all! Absolute cheeky fuckery, and a lousy mother to boot.

I totally agree here. This isn't as hard as you believe it is. You are way way way too nice, but it has to stop now. Stop giving this support so that you can concentrate on you, your babies and your family. She and they are not your responsibility. And if social services have to get involved? That is not your responsibility either.

She, her DH and her DM are all taking advantage of you. It is one thing to help out in an emergency but on a regular basis, particularly when you have a little one of your own, is simply taking this piss. And to ask you to have her child overnight so she can go out on the lash???? Words fail me!