To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

How many people get to go out for the whole night and leave 4 month old? Thats just not very usual and odd to ask a friend with 2 under 2 to have him. She has to sort herself out or seek medical help

They did a study and many friends who are giving and who seem strong are being taken advantage of or people don't even think of checking in with them because they seem like they have a good life and don't need help. I think that's what your friend sees. Your struggles (because who doesn't have them) seem to her like nothing compared to her own so she feels entitled to your help. She's also irresponsible, it would have never occured to me to ship my baby to someone else, especially someone who has 2 of them unless there's an emergency. But regularly and for a full day or night! And why is she not asking her own mother? Shouldn't the grandmother be more interested in spending time with the grandchild?

My advice may be a little dated but back in my days of parenting….
a “fussy” baby was a baby you got used to carrying holding slinging and while
help was deeply appreciated you did not leave your baby with someone else
for hours unless you were working. This baby needed you his mum and you provided the safety net of consistent care.

she may have another baby. Sometimes mums who aren’t coping well or have difficult baby are the very ones who have more. This solution of hers is not sustainable for you.

if she has PND she needs medical
help not babysitting.

it will be difficult for you OP since she is your dear friend but you need to do what’s best for your dc. Not hers.
I would not have your DH say anything to hers. I feel this strongly. He knows and she knows he’s doing nothing and I suspect this is much more complex dynamic in their
relationship.

Absolutely ridiculous. You have more on your plate that she has. Say no.

This absolutely.

Good for you sending the text. It's hard to turn people down when asked for help but I do agree she is becoming expectant and angling for more. It's a good time to say, "Actually I was looking to step back."

Hope she responds well.

It sounds like she has PND and hasn’t bonded with her baby at all - she is trying to escape looking after him as much as she possibly can. If you agree to the weekend, she will drop off 9:30 on Saturday and won’t come back until Sunday night.

She does need to see her GP, but yes she could also look into going back to work asap and putting her baby in FT childcare. Perhaps her mother can switch to doing Saturdays and Sundays, then neither she or her DH will need to do any parenting beyond bath times and night feeds (which will be falling off after 6 months). That is obviously far from ideal, but far better than her poor baby being parented every day by somebody who can’t get far enough away from him.

She’s def taking the piss.

Where is dad sat ?

I stopped reading at "her partner wouldn't look after the baby overnight so she asked me".

Absolutely ridiculous, time to say no.

Just say NO!

And we have found the modern day Denise Best from the Royle Family!

She will be sorting out a godmother soon to help with the other weekday she needs someone to take baby off her hands help, as constant baby-sitting is "one of the godmother's duties" 🙄

I'd do the overnight so she can enjoy a night out but I'd stop the regular childcare. These years with young DC are precious, you should be able to enjoy them yourself without extra commitments.

This is a most bizarre situation to have got yourself into. Please be strong if she replies to your text or rings you and tries to guilt-trip you into not ending this quite frankly absolutely diabolical arrangement.

She needs to go the GP for possible PND, someone needs to give her DH an almighty kick up the arse, and failing that they need to pay for a childminder or nursery for childcare.

Please don’t fall into the trap of doing this again, and get your DH to back you up. Also don’t tell her, or anyone who knows her too, that your DC are good sleepers/easy baby and toddler to give her any leverage to ask you to take her baby again.

This is actually a genius response! I was in a similar situation a year ago where a friend started to take the piss with expectations for my help. I gradually withdrew, became less available and funnily enough my friend is coping just fine. Crucially I no longer offer, and if she asks I don’t respond immediately.

Well done for replying and saying no.

I think a word from your H to hers might help. Even if you're H goes supportive rather than confrontational.

Well done for sending the text. I wouldn't be surprised if you got a 'guilt trip' response - stand firm OP. You can be good and kind friend without being a pushover.

You have done more than anyone should be expected to, plus she has her mum two days a week. PLUS she has a DH. If that level of support isn't working for her, she needs to take some responsibility for speaking to the GP and finding out a way to move forward.

If her response is arsey, don't get upset. Just send something straight back along the lines of 'Come on. We both know I have helped out a LOT so please don't try and guilt trip me. it's clear that you are struggling and DH hasn't stepped up, I am happy to get my DH to have a quiet word or to come to the GP with you to see if you can get some professional support. I don't want to fall out over this, but it's too much for me now"

Good luck.

Free Nanny? Now Night Nanny? No way!

First of all, well done for sending the text.

I’m glad your husband is also going to speak to her husband and explain this is his job to do. Hopefully it will work! This is something that health professionals should be doing as standard I think - drumming this into dads.

You have to take the most enormous step back. No overnights, no full days, no regular sessions at all. You’re not a nursery - in fact she could book and pay for a nursery now if she’s struggling! Many start at 3 months.

You have a baby of the same age, plus a toddler, and should really be able to ask the same amount of help back from her that she asks from you.

Asking you overnight is just an utter piss take! I know she’s struggling but really and truly, who thinks that’s ok? And to ask you in preference to the child’s father!

You are a lovely friend but you and her mum have allowed the situation to continue - she needs to get the health visitor to help her with sleep / attachment etc

Good luck

This must be a hard "NO" from you, OP. It can be said in a friendly way, with a smile, but "NO" it must be. If she's stupid enough to ask you why, tell her "I'm not able to do this for you anymore." That's it, no apologies OP. Dont feel guilty. Step right away.

Your husband doesn’t need to say anything about their circumstances, just that you are no longer able to offer support as your own children need your attention. Up to her husband what he does with that info.

Is she struggling to bond op and dumping the baby on you as much as she can as a coping mechanism.
I think your friend needs to seek some medical help as it's not normal to want to had your baby off that much for that amount of time and since she hasn't improved and in fact is starting to expect you to more and more responsible for her baby I think their maybe some serious issues beneath the surface

Oh I would be sneaky now, I'd decline the overnight and start to put a stop to the all day caring..

But I would also get my partner to happen to go round at the weekend when hers is home and say 'oh... you're home, why on EARTH is my wife being asked to mind YOUR child when you're here doing fuck all'... (or words to that effect).

Making it very clear, he's wondering why you are doing all this childcare when this fella is sat on his arse doing piss all... its all from his own observations and nothing anyone has actually said!

Your friend needs proper help if she is struggling this much. She has her baby 3 days a week at the moment and is still asking for more time. I feel for her, I had horrific pnd so I get it, I also had zero help at that time so she COULD get help and manage it if she wanted to. She needs to stop being avoidant about the probably pnd. You have two under two, she should not be asking you.

The useless partner is a different kettle of fish and if you want to get involved in that you can obviously. It can be tricky navigating someone else's relationship though and you would do well to be aware that this could impact your friendship too even though you may have the best of intentions.

Props to you though, you're doing amazingly.