To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

You are an absolute Saint! Even an "easy" baby plus a toddler is hard work but adding in another less settled baby is A LOT.

Re your husband, he doesn't have to say you or your friend have said anything. He has his own eyes and can say to her husband exactly what he knows to be true and call him.out on it - that his wife is really struggling, is he aware, does he know you're looking after the baby on top of your own two two days a week and that she's asked you two to have the baby overnight? Your husband could even play it dumb and ask the friend's husband where he's off to that night, as he'd have to be away/out for this situation to occur right?!

And women are so often expected to feel “lucky” and “grateful” they have a partner who helps and cleans (or holds baby for a bit and gives them time to clean!).

I suspect OP is being made to feel she is so very lucky with her helpful husband and easy baby and that she should share some of that luck with her friend who is not as “lucky”. Doesnt work like that.

You sound like an amazing friend for taking her baby when you have two little ones yourself.
Do you know her mum at all? It sounds like she is getting a lot of help from others (2 days with you, 2 days with her own mum) so as others have said is there potentially mental health worries going on. I wondered if you knew her well and knew her mum if you mentioned it to her how you have been looking after the baby twice a week and you are worried whether your friend is ok.

Could you also direct her to groups she could attend (where maybe she could make friends, have access to potential support depending on who runs the group) or look at if Home Start have volunteers in your area?

You’ve been an absolutely amazing friend. I’m glad you’re pulling back though, you need to look after yourself and your own family. This is your priority. You sound like a lovely person.

She’s treating you like an unpaid childminder
you can’t do it anymore it’s her baby not yours

She is definitely asking too much from you. Her DP needs to step up.

Wow this is too much. She may need help but it shouldn’t all fall to you! I have 2 under 2 and no way could cope with this.

YABU for doing this , for this long !!! OP … this has to stop !

Your friend needing this level of help along with her being tearful and having a shitty partner is concerning tbh. But no YANBU to say it's become too much and you need to dial back a bit with your support. You are only human too and you can't pour from an empty cup!

Personally I'd speak to my health visitor in your shoes and ask they reach out to mum for support. Tell them you're worried about her.

Ask if she wants you to go to the GP with her.

Look into local support groups and organisations. Eg in my town there is one for new mums who are struggling/ have pnd and there's Homestart. Homestart basically do what you and her mum have been doing! All Homestart volunteers are parents themselves and offer families with a child under five a bit of company and support. That is definitely a good option to see if it's available in your area.

Your DH speaking to hers. I'd suggest he asks him things about being a dad. Rather than coming out and saying stop being a shit (tempting as that is!) I'd say talking generally about parenting and you supporting each other and asking him stuff might make him realise how crap he's being. But he might know and not care tbh.

Wow do you have Mug written on your head?!

I bet she will drop you as soon as she realises the gravy train has sailed. I can't believe you're providing 9-5 childcare for free. Do you know how much money that costs?

Of course she's in tears to you. She knows to turn on the waterworks and you'll play free nanny.

No need to be rude.

She needs to get on with it. Her mum helps with her baby. More help than most get. 🙄

"I know she does seem like a CF, maybe she is and she has just manipulated me with well timed tears, I don’t know, but my real worry is that she is someone who is really genuinely struggling and I’d be making that worse by stepping back."

It is possible that she is genuinely struggling and that she is also a CF at the same time. She has a real problem because her husband is failing to provide appropriate support at home, but she is avoiding the problem by getting others to take her baby for 4 days per week (or more). And you are (accidentally) enabling her to avoid finding a solution to the problem. If you take a step back, she might get worse, but if you keep providing this level of support, she doesn't really need to solve her problem because you and her mum are solving it for her.

If she's not happy looking after her baby herself, maybe she should consider returning to work and getting a childminder or nursery place. I know he is young but at least then he would have consistency and a routine.

If you know her mother I'd also speak to her and say you are worried and can't keep supporting her indefinitely.

Blimey! So you end up with her baby two days a week, and her mum has her baby two days a week…what is actually doing in this time? What is the reason she needs you to babysit two full days a week?
Good for you for saying no to the overnights and pulling back on the daytimes. I think the perfect excuse/reason is to say now they’re 4 months old and awake much more, and a lot more alert, it’s becoming tricky. I have a seven month old and couldn’t imagine looking after two of them! Do you do any baby classes? Maybe book a baby class for the days she wants you to help and say you can’t as you’re at a class but she’s free to join you if she wants!

You're providing the support her husband should be providing. All you're doing is facilitating your friend to stay in a bad relationship when she should be leaving him and finding someone more suitable. I'd stop helping. If she was officially a single mum (as opposed to unofficially like she is now) she'd maybe get UC and help with childcare, she also wouldn't have a man-child to run round after keeping him happy and clearing up after him, so her workload would reduce.

You've been incredible and what should have been a very short term solution can't become your life. It's not your fault or place to make up for the fact that she has a shit partner and you can be sympathetic without taking on more. you need to address what you're doing and she needs to address her partner. why should you be doing so much because he likes to have his own time. helping out as much as you have is really just enabling him to carry on the same way and her not to address it.

Wow. I had a nightmare with my first, no help from grandparents and my partner was a dickhead at the time but I would never in a million years be dumping my baby onto someone else like that.
Its not a long term solution is it.
You have to say your two are getting trickier for you to manage and if you are feeling generous say you can do it this time but going forward she needs to find a nursery or childminder.
When does anyone give you two mornings off then?

I had a nightmare with my first also. I had NO help whatsoever and I only asked a friend with a similar age baby for help when I had a doctor's appointment or similar. Very rare.

You are such a kind friend OP but please stop and don't you dare do the overnight so she can go out!

You’ve been a fantastic friend to her but now you need to put your family first and your needs. It’s sounds as though she’s not bonded with her baby…is she suffering with post natal depression? It seems between you and her mum, that you’re both taking a lot of responsibility for that baby. Hope she manages to find help for it, but equally that’s not your responsibility. If anyone needs to step in and recognise what’s going on, it should be her mum

I was just about to say the same thing sadly.

It’s like lifts. Once you tell the person you can’t give them a lift any more after months of putting yourself out for them, they become offended and act as if you’re being totally unreasonable.

You are a much better person than I am OP! A few hours occasionally as a favour for a close friend, but what you describe is a ridiculous abuse of your good nature! You need your life back.

THIS

You are so obviously not being unreasonable. In fact, you've been TOO reasonable. You should have been winding down the hours you were available to help, but instead she's grown more dependent on you and is now taking you for granted. It's time to put your foot down and say no.

This is absolutely ridiculous. You said her partner isn’t particularly helpful but she has her mum helping 2 days a week plus you’re doing 2 days a week so what is she doing for those 4 days? She’s not catching up on sleep from 9.30-5.30 is she. And why does she need you to have the baby overnight so she can go out? Surely she’d be back home by 11/12? Surely this is impacting your own family and the special time you have with your own children. Totally and utterly wrong on all levels