To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

So this useless man has two women doing what he should? I absolutely would step back OP and say exactly why. Her husband needs to start parenting - not you! Your friend is facilitating his behaviour and it’s not on. You are not this child’s surrogate father.

What a lovely friend you are @Cosmicpickle

Jesus YANBU

Her partner needs to step up, all the help being given to her is further enabling him to be shit.

I think you are a lovely friend who is going above and beyond for someone who is possibly pushing her luck.
You are not enjoying time with your own children because you are helping your friend. I would definitely not keep the baby overnight and would go back to the 9am to lunchtime. Is it possible to speak with her mother, since she might not realise just how bad the situation has gotten?

Just wanted to echo that it’s not your responsibility to provide her with this level of support, and if she’s struggling, direct her to her health visitor to get support and advice.

I woujdn’t be surprised if she vanishes or gets angry now you’re withdrawing this help. Be prepared for this. But remember, you’ve been a great help to her, but she’s not your responsibility.

Sounds to me like PND. She needs to visit the GP and her husband needs to massively step up.

Poor woman 😢 She sounds frightened of him. You’re not unreasonable though OP, you’d be enabling his shit-ness if you continued helping.

Some posters are saying she's taking advantage, but the tears might not be emotional blackmail-could she have PND? If she is struggling, maybe she should be speaking to her GP. I get we're all different and would never judge a new parent for being tired, but if someone is struggling to cope and tearful a lot, they might benefit from medical support?

You wouldn't be making things worse for her at all, she needs to stop being in denial about her useless partner.

She clearly has a husband problem - this is not anything you can help with other than signposting appropriate support.

Unless your husband knows her husband really well and has known him for a long time it would be best not to say anything. He could make things worse. The fact that she has asked you not to should be your guide anyway.

it’s hard but sometimes the hardest thing is to realise you can’t fix everything - some things people just have to work out themselves.

It's 25 years ago now, but I also had two under two, no parents or in-laws or any other help, a DH out at work all day, and not a fucking chance would I have helped with anybody else's kid when I had enough on my plate myself. Get real! She's taking the piss.

She needs to see a G.P first and foremost !! And maybe instead of u taking her baby u stay and help her at home tackle some stuff more time away from baby she will struggle to bond x

Your DH does need to be having a word. His friend's child is in your bloody house, it is pretty damn obvious what is going on with his lack of help at home. Tbf the request for an overnight is what should drive it: "Mate, why am I being asked to parent your baby, along with my own baby and toddler, just so your wife can get some rest? What are you doing that is so important you cannot look after your own child and expecting some other mug to deal with him?"

Even if she had no children young or otherwise she would still be the wrong person to ask for help. She needs to be getting the other parent of the child to do his fair share before asking for outside help. And even then any outside free help she sources in addition to her mums help should not be at that level it is.

She’s not a single parent.

It’s baffling how in this society so often more is expected of a woman who is not the child’s parent, than the actual father.

As others have said Op isn’t helping the situation in the long run. This is just a sticking plaster. This couple need to feel the weight of their decision to have a baby, keep protecting them from the full experience of it and before you know it they’ll be trying for a second child.

She could have PND, although asking OP to keep her baby overnight so she could go out is kind of jumping the 🦈.

But that's above OP's pay grade. She's enabling her friend from seeker ng treatment by keeping the baby from what was 6 hours a week to now 16 plus wanting to leave the baby overnight so looking at OP caring for the baby for 24 hours, maybe more a week. She needs to urge her friend to seek treatment, not just kick the problem down the road which also is taking her time and attention from her baby and toddler who need that.

So your friend pretty much has four child-free days to herself while her mum and you look after her kids? She ends up with no kids and you are struggling with three, including two very young babies? What a ridiculous situation! You are being far too accommodating and you having her child overnight because the father won't look after his own child either is just taking the absolute piss.

You need to stop doing any of this now.

Helping this friend for a few hours twice a week so she can rest and clean from kindness has turned into a full days childcare and wanting overnight help!
Your kindness is being taken advantage of,you are acting as unpaid childcare for a woman with a husband who wont share the care of their baby.
You have 2 under 2 yourself and your friends requests have become too much.
Step back and decide what you want and need to do for yourself and your family. What help are you happy to give?if its one a few hours occasionally(specify times) stick to that. If you are finding caring regularly for a friends baby with 2 under 2 yourself too much ,say you are finding it too much.
Advice: reply to the latest request saying you are finding it too much to care for her baby on top of your own recommend childminder,nirsery or nannyshare/babysitter.
If she asks you by text reply by text.
If she asks you in person,reply in person.

Now?
I can't imagine asking someone with a tiny baby themselves to look after my tiny baby, for longer than half an hour in an emergency.
Apologies if the thread has moved on, I haven't yet rtft

Well done for texting her.

I hope there isn't more than "just" useless lazy father syndrome going on there. Reading you say how she begged you not to say anything to him makes me concerned that there might be more going on beneath the surface, like domestic abuse of some kind. Something to keep an eye out for with her.

I do hope your husband is up to the task of really talking to this guy. He sees his time away from work as down time and takes absolutely no responsibility for his children? He genuinely won’t watch his own kids alone at night? He is a bad guy, and I hope your husband does not mince his words.

Men need to be the ones to call out the unacceptable behaviour of other men towards the women and children in their lives, because those men don’t give a shit how the woman feels. Men need to start acting here, and actually ostracising their friends who behave like this.

You did the right thing in texting, and you’ve actually done her a kindness. This might be what she needs to seek some support and kick her useless partner in to touch.

Yep. Have M.U.G tattooed in special ink across my forehead, that only CF’s can see, obviously.

The mum would have had them continuing to use sleeping bags/sofa hopping if I didn’t step in, or so I thought when I stepped in to ‘help’. In hindsight, what would have happened is that the boys would have got pissed off and the hosts would have stopped offering and she’d have had to resolve things sooner.

Never again.

You think you’re helping, but actually you are enabling and they never get the support they really need or sort themselves out.

Hopefully @Cosmicpickle will see that she is not actually helping - she is enabling the crappy DH and also the mum friend to avoid addressing the underlying issues. They need to sort this out themselves, and the sooner the better.

“when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling.”

Whereas for you, with a toddler and a baby, life was a walk in the park?? I’m astounded that she thinks it’s OK for her DM to do two days a week and for you to do two,days - when, exactly, does she look after her own baby? How on earth is she to get into any sort of routine? What about attachment issues? She’s setting her baby up to have all sorts of problems. At four months, I wouldn’t have kept my baby out of my sight: that she’s been doing this since her DC was a tiny baby blows my mind. She’s not a friend, OP, she’s a CF, and you need to step back, otherwise you’ll be taking and fetching her DC to and from nursery, then school, and probably giving them tea as well as making the packed lunches….

Yeah definitely nip this in the bud now OP. I had a neighbour like this and like you initially I didn’t mind but the requests became way more frequent and lengthier - once I went to collect her daughter and she said her husband was in bed as he was tired?? I was so annoyed, I felt so used. Turned out he was often there and just ‘couldn’t face it on his own’.

I just started saying no to the requests until they dried up but as I said she was a neighbour not a good friend. But she is starting to take the piss here with the overnight so well done on the text.

I would tell her no.