To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

How strange! It would be incredible if she’s deeply depressed and able to hide it that well at home. If she was telling you not to share her struggles with husband then maybe he’s under similar orders?

In any case there clearly needs to be a lot more honesty and I hope that your withdrawing a little bit will help to force that. Glad she’s still accepting more reasonable help from you and hasn’t cut off contact entirely.

Absolutely agree with this. I think you're striking the right balance OP for what it's worth. A bit a light support ad hoc here and there, some signposting and escalate to HV. You are doing then right thing

I think it all sounds really bizarre and I agree with pp that your friend needs a compassionate intervention around a potential MH issue rather than anyone assuming she is taking the piss. Well done to you OP for being a wonderful, if over generous friend. You sound amazingly capable and caring. I definitely agree re building blocks and that might be the right strategy going forward. It’s time for you to prioritise you OP and it seems like you are doing that.

Duplicate in error

You sound like a very lovely person OP and have already gone above and beyond for your friend.
But… the longer days are taking the piss and you just need to gently set boundaries in terms of the time you can give, and absolutely stick to your guns.
Regarding the overnight stay request when she her DH is home- fuck me that is beyond belief. Absolutely do not agree to that- she is treating you as a stand in husband whilst her own useless DH is doing fuck all in terms of taking responsibility for his own child.

How long did you stay there for?

Has your husband told hers that you aren’t going to do childcare for her for 2 days a week going forwards?

To me your latest update just confirms she is playing you all. Unless her partner is lying and covering up the fact she’s not coping? Is she the type to easily cry to achieve what she wants?

Talk to her mum, perhaps even mention you are a bit worried about her and definitely mention you have been providing regular childcare. See if she knows about that.

There’s a lot going on and a lot of drama and potentially manipulation. I think i would slowly bow out of this tbh.

You need to put yourself and your family first, so much of your time, attention and focus is going on a friend who is using you.

My phone’s playing up and the rest of this thread has only just loaded, so I’ve just seen the OPs updates.
It does sound like there’s a lot doing on in the background with your friend OP. Well done for being such a good friend to her.

Could she be having an affair? When she drops him off where does she go? What does she do? How do you know for a fact that’s she’s doing what she says she does? Sounds like she is playing you.

This focus on your own kids. She has a support system already and is playing you like a fiddle. Just reeling you back in with the latest request!

She is playing you like the tiniest of violins. Time to start saying no.

I have also wondered if she is having an affair.

Have you heard from her since your DH spoke to her DH?

Agree HV is not likely to tell you anything.

You sound like the loveliest friend!! I breastfeed as well and the benefit of that is not having to get out of bed to make bottles, the fact you’ve been having to both breastfeed your own baby and then get up to make her baby bottles as well must be exhausting!

It's nice to be a lovely friend, but this isn't friendship - she doesn't listen, care for or respect OP.

That's mental. I can't comprehend that she is happy to leave her baby that long anyway at that age! Is she a very young mum or something? Very bizarre behaviour and her husband sounds like a useless article.

Her husband must have spoken to her after he found out you were looking after their baby 2 days a week. That is a very unusual thing to ask of a friend. If he is genuine he must have been very surprised/confused.

What an amazing friend you are OP. Are there any charities, like Home Start, where you stay that provide support to parents? When a friend of mine was really struggling with her 2 young kids, Home Start sent a lovely lady round as much as she needed to give some free childcare and help with any domestic tasks needed.

How does a brunch extend to an overnight stay somewhere where was she actually spending the night?

You need to find out if she’s lying to her partner or lying to you

and the fact she isn’t telling him you have baby twice week makes me think she isn’t at home sleeping but sleeping elsewhere or less of the sleeping and more of the shagging

if she was struggling why didn’t she say to him

It still sounds like she's not bonded with her baby and is very anxious about caring for him, which probably feeds into an unsettled baby.

I don't think it means she doesn't have PND, there's not one presentation for it. She's going through the motions and finding ways to avoid admitting she doesn't feel what she should, which must be exhausting.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing in showing and guiding but not doing it for her. Because knowing that she can't do it will be eroding her self esteem whatever she's presenting to the outside world.

Her husband not knowing you have the baby two days a week rings alarm bells about the way she reacted so strongly to your suggestion either you or your husband speak to hers. She begged and begged you not to talk to him about it - and now we know why, he wasn't aware there was anything going on and she wanted to keep him in the dark, for whatever reason.

Absolutely this. It is really quite bizarre, you are willingly participating in a totally one-sided "friendship".