To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

From what I’m reading she only has her son three days a week. seems to have a lot of spare time on her hands. She’s either genuinely not coping with motherhood or spending that time elsewhere. She can’t be sleeping 4 days a week.

I voted YABU, because it seems to me there's very little that's reasonable about this OP. OK, you did this struggling mum friend a big favour, and that was really nice of you. Fine if it had stopped there. Unfortunately it immediately turned into her clinging to you like a drowning woman, and you being pulled down into her chaos to the detriment of your own family life and peace of mind.

You tell us you're in a stronger position than she is, with an easy new baby and a supportive DH. And being a lovely friend, you felt you should 'support' her (as she quite brazenly put it!).

Thing is, she expects way more from you than a reciprocal, emergency hour or two of babysitting every once in a while. Which actually would be reasonable.

Good for you that you're getting away for a few days, but ask yourself why you think that 'might seem cruel and selfish'. Do you think a good friend is someone who sacrifices themselves for someone else? Or perhaps you feel guilty about how lucky you are, and allow yourself to be manipulated into exhausting arrangements that aren't in your or your family's best interests?

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I do believe that no good comes from trying to help someone who refuses any help other than that which enables/supports their self-destructive behaviour. If you feel she has PND or MH issues that could be affecting her and her baby, offer to make a doctor's appointment for her. I just don't think you can 'rescue' this lady single-handed.

You've been incredibly generous OP but they are both is absolutely taking the piss, does she ever reciprocate? Her DP is clearly a knob and is perfectly capable of caring for his own child, she needs to address this with him not palm the baby off on you. If she is struggling she'll need to pay for help or put the baby in a sling when it's fussy like the rest of us. You can send a polite message saying it's too much for you now and if she doesn't like it then tough, it doesn't sound like she's a good friend anyway.

It does sound like she needs support for her MH, could you help her set up an appointment with her GP or HV? My heart goes out to her but you cannot be her life raft anymore or it could start affecting your MH too.

Ahh OP your generosity has inadvertently been enabling your dear friend to continue as she is. Remember you made the offer when you were newly postpartum too, and like the boiling frog you didn’t notice how unreasonable things were getting because they probably increasing in increments. The question is not CAN you help her, it’s “is it the right thing to do for her and her baby in the long term”? When a second child comes along, your attention is inevitably divided, and now is being taken away even further from your two. Hope you get a chance to focus on your family now.

Just tell her yes sometimes and no sometimes. You don’t have to say yes to every request. You need rest too.

Maybe she has postpartum depression made worse by having a useless partner. Tell her to speak to her health visitor to get help

it’s wild that she can’t handle one single fussy baby, but she expects OP to manage that same fussy baby, PLUS her own baby, PLUS her own toddler.

I had PND. When my DS was four months old I could barely function. My life was a blur of endless feeding and broken nights. The idea of leaving him and going out to a brunch would have been impossible for me. Some days I was in my pyjamas all day. I can’t imagine that the friend has PND but everyone is different. I think she’s just a CF.

This is absolutely not your problem, you are doing far, far too much and are enabling their bad behaviour. You really should back off now.

Absolutely not cruel and selfish.

It sounds as if your friend hasn’t bonded with her baby. It’s all very strange but she already has plenty of support if her mum helps out two days a week. And she has a partner as well. Asking you to have her baby overnight when her husband is at home is beyond bizarre. It definitely all needs to come out in the open. I really hope the HV doesn’t let her fob her off.

Omg ! She has so much help
she’s totally using you and taking advantage. I had no husband and no family and I would never have dreamt of doing this to someone. If she wants regular childcare she needs to pay for a nursery.

I'm blown away by the absolute cheek of this woman. I genuinely cannot fathom leaving my baby two days a week for a woman with 2 under 2 to look after, just so I can have time to myself. What a selfish woman she really is. And a liar, of course.

Can your husband find out if it is true that her partner won't have the baby overnight?

If the football at the weekend is a regular thing, he could usefully also suggest that the partner give it a rest for a few months in order to offer some support at weekends.

I don’t see how her husband could think she’s badmouthing him when your husband and can see YOU are struggling with 3 little ones.

I hate to say it but the desperation and begging when she gets told no makes me wonder if she could be seeing someone on the sly? She certainly has enough opportunities to be seeing someone else if she only has her baby 3 days a week.

I wouldn’t do this-it encourages her to keep persistently asking on the off chance the OP might say yes.

Yes, spend time with her-go out with all the kids together but it’s not for the OP to be providing unpaid childcare for her at all. She either needs to pay someone (else) or look after her child herself. If the baby is that hard to care for, get help, don’t ask someone who has two additional children to do it, so you don’t have to!

You've been the best of friends to help out to that extent, but imo you really shouldn't have let it expand and you need to, as a minimum, roll it back to your original agreement if not plan to phase it out altogether. You're not helping her to become more resilient and to cope, and you're enabling her to avoid facing her issues and seeking professional help which she clearly needs.
You also need to consider the needs of your own family - DH, DCs and yourself.
If she's any kind of a friend to you, she will understand that.

I agree with this but @Cosmicpickle I would also suggest that you might need some therapy too? That you feel guilty, that you feel you have to leave your own home with your kids to escape her after asserting your boundaries, suggests to me that rather than just being nice or kind (which you absolutely are) you actually have low self esteem and lack self-confidence. People like this mum ‘friend’ can scent out people like you. They are like sharks.

On the surface she has much more support than you - she DOES have a DH, (even if he MAY need a boot to step up) but she has only one child and has a mum helping her out. You have two children and seem to be managing on your own with support from DH in the evening. You need to reframe this - and understand why you were so vulnerable to her manipulation. Woman are often conditioned into ‘being kind’, but as a mother you need to model a balanced approach - being kind is fine, but it should never be at the cost of your own family and health. It’s absolutely fine to say ‘I wish I could help but I can’t just now’ and not feel shitty about it.

Definitely say no , you have enough on your plate with your own 2 .
And her mum does 2 days a week !
If my parents had looked my 3 children at all I’d consider myself really fortunate.
When my 3 kids were young I managed with no help at all ( husband at work all day )
Then as they got older I managed with help from a very good childminder for one day per week so had a few hours child free once a week .
she needs to do that

Nope!
You are taking on the role of her useless husband. He needs to step up or she leaves. You are being way too kind.

If you really want to know how she feels about the help, ask her to have your child for the day. You don’t have to go through with it but see what she says

It’s at this point in the thread I get enormously frustrated with posters who respond to the OP clearly not having read any of her updates.

@Cosmicpickle

you're a good friend, its difficult to navigate something like this

Does her DH know how much you have the baby?