To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Not everyone feels that way.

Sorry I haven’t read all the answers. Could your friend have post natal depression? You mention she’s in tears a lot and has little support. I absolutely don’t think the answer is that you do more. But perhaps gently raise it with her and rein back the support to whatever feels manageable for you. But signpost support eg health visitor and maybe as others suggest do something with all the babies to build her sense of being able to cope.

I don't think the continued character assassination of OPs friend is helpful. OP has already stated this is very out of character and friend has never been a cf before.

I wouldn't be surprised if she has PND and hasn't bonded with the baby at all . Honestly when I had PND with my second all I wanted to do was lie in a dark room or drink. I certainly didn't want to look after my baby, and I didn't feel any bond with him until he was 1. Obviously it may not be that but certainly seems like a strong possibility to me.

Edited to say I agree, friend probably has PND and needs help

This is far too much to ask of you ..you sound like an amazing friend but you are being unfair to her and yourself by not being honest.
Tell her this has got too much for yourself you have your own 2 children it's outrageous her husband is selfish enough to watch her put on you and not step up himself... anyhow he is her problem.
Stop now before you get major resentment setting in and the friendship comes to an end.
Set some boundaries this isn't your place to be doing this.
Her mum helps .. its more than some people have she is taking the pee.

It’s not your responsibility to provide free regular childcare for your friend. She really needs to sort out the dynamics within her own home and it’s her husband’s responsibility to step up to care for his own children not yours. Any additional support needs to come from her parents, his parents or childcare. You’re a kind friend but you have more than enough on your plate with your own two little ones!

I think you've misunderstood me, my point was OP is being taken advantage of. Yes i do have DC, many SEN challenges.

You are a good person OP. You’ve done all you can for your friend, I hope the professionals step up for her. Enjoy your break in the Lakes, that’s where I’m going too. Weather looks good as well.

You have an obligation to your own children and family, OP.

You've done the right thing, reaching out to her HV, and now you need to make yourself more unavailable to 'help' .. or in this case, step in repeatedly because she doesn't want to parent her own DC for whatever reason. She may be genuinely struggling or she may just have realised this isn't the life she wants. Whatever it is, it's not your problem to solve.

I hope your DH gives her DH a heads up about what's been going on. It does sound like she's been exaggerating the lack of support she's been getting, and that probably includes his support.

So it’s okay for you to struggle instead? It’s not like you haven’t got your hands full too. You need to tell this ‘friend’ that you’re in danger of burning out and she needs to pay someone for this level of childcare.

This is totally unreasonable when she has a partner and family to help. She’s abusing your kindness and it doesn’t sound as if it’s ever being reciprocated. When do you ever get to go out? Knock it on the head, pronto!

Agree. Teenagers go out. You can wee in peace without someone yelling "Mummaaaaaay" through the door and have a lie in at the weekends. I can cope with their issues as long as I get personal space and some sleep

Break the cycle with an “illness” (preferably Friday lunchtime toddler contagious sickness bug & feel sick all week) then say your going out of town for shopping/ visiting someone so can’t have baby then joining a baby group, going to bounce and rhyme with your own kids. Then your tired as yours is having 4 month sleep regression.
After a few weeks tell her she’s doing a great job and your glad she’s found her feet as you we’re becoming exhausted.
It’s a massive ask to expect someone else to look after two newborns and a toddler at once especially as the person your actually helping is the husband to be lazy it’s his job to support her sleep and help care for there baby. You stepping in is supporting him not to step up he should be left to look after his baby and learn how to care for baby. Also if she’s ok enough to be going out then she’s not really needing the support she’s using you as free childcare.
You are supposed to be recovering from child birth and bonding with your baby not her free Nannie tell her no she’s taking advantage.
I had a friend like this and looking back I regret putting so much time and effort into helping with her kids when I could have spent it with my own.

It’s a great idea to go away. She is completely disregarding your children and you. Honestly I’d stop responding to texts and calls. The HV knows, you could also contact her mum or her husband if you are genuinely concerned but really she is taking the Mickey and you deserve to be enjoying your own two children.

Sorry but you did completely misunderstand the other person's message, I noticed it too. You might want to reread it before telling her it's "odd".

Noooo! Put the brakes on this madness asap. Also it’s just such a huge responsibility to have a tiny baby for so long, anything could happen and it wouldn’t be your fault. You need to enjoy your babies too. Her behaviour is shocking!

I’ve booked a lovely lodge in the Lakes for me and the kids next week to just take myself out of the ring completely for a little bit, I know that might seem cruel and selfish but after your replies and chatting with my husband last night I think actually maybe if she is confronted with the reality for a week, if it is PND she may be more likely to realise she does need help.

I hope you enjoy your time away.

That you feel leaving town will get you away from her demands for a time shows how far this has crept from a simple watching her child for a couple hours occasionally to a major issue crossing big boundaries and causing you distress. It's healthy to have boundaries. You have 2 under 2. It's not selfish or cruel to concentrate on your own children.

For whatever reasons, she's trying to dump her baby onto others and that needs to be addressed, not enabled.

You need to put your foot down and the baby's father needs to move to first gear.

OP, what’s she like with her baby in your company? Is she hands on, stressy? I honestly do not think it’s PND, and as awful as it sounds, I think she’s lazy. What if you were struggling with the 3? Would it matter to her? I hope you have a lovely holiday but honestly if she has a go at you because you’ve gone away I’d drop her asap!

Hope you enjoy the holiday 💐

She needs to woman up
and tell her husband to shape up or ship out

either way you need to withdraw and concentrate on your own two babies. You are being totally taken advantage of.

You’ve just said that her baby is a difficult baby yet you are able to manage him with 2 other babies aswell! She needs to start a)learning to cope and b) getting some help from baby’s father.Im sorry but it sounds to me like she wants to live the life she had before baby.Im assuming she’s on maternity leave so what was she doing from 9-5.30?

I think you’re doing the right thing here. At this stage she just isn’t listening to you and still keeps trying to offload her baby on you. The only way she is ever going to realise this has crossed so many boundaries and become too great an expectation on everyone else is for those boundaries to be reinforced. Even now she’s still not respecting your limits. The fact she’s clinging on so hard makes me wonder if there’s another reason she needs to not have the kid around and doesn’t want anyone to say anything to her DH. I mean how likely is it that if you went to her house on those days she insists she needs to sleep, that you’d get there and she’s not home?

It sounds like you have been an amazing friend to her but shes in a space where she can't appreciate that. Saddly mental health issues tend to make people very self focused. I think reclaiming some of your boundaries its definitely the best course hopefully you all have a great time away