To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

your energy and effort is subsidising another persons family and enabling them to continue their uneven and dysfunctional marriage
say enough is enough, that it’s up her husband to help now
what a piss take honestly

I do not believe for one minute that she has PND. You need to step away and let her family deal with whatever is going on. Kindly, you should have set clear boundaries from the very beginning, particularly since your own children are so young. Can you really not see how she has taken advantage of you? She says she is too stressed/anxious to take care of her own child but is well enough to attend a brunch with friends. Stop feeling guilty, ignore her calls and if she texts begging for help then forward it on to her mother and/or husband to deal with. She is not your "friend". Enjoy your holiday.

What was she doing all day from 09.30-5? That seems a huge amount of time?! Plus her mum 2 days a week she has more than enough time to catch up on sleep.

I agree I don’t think it sounds like she has PND.

You’re just too kind which is lovely but now she’s taking the piss , she’s got to start looking after the baby fulltime someday so I’d back off

No advice, i just wanted to say what an amazing friend you are . Enjoy your holiday, you deserve it!

No idea how you are putting up with this, I mean I’d feel sorry for her if she was a single mum & needed support but she’s not. She is taking the piss. Your time with your own babies is very precious & your hubby is working hard so you get to do that. You won’t get that time back. It’s super kind of you to help now & again but honestly even a regular 9-1 is a bit much if u ask me. I would say, ‘sorry Jane I’m finding looking after Jack really difficult right now with my 2 being so young. I’m not going to be able to help as much from now on, I hope you’ll be able to get your husband to help’ and really stand your ground, say yes once in a while so you have a support network too but honestly this is nuts.

Can't she bring her child to a child minder or nursery instead?

Wow, I'm actually shocked. It does seem like your friend is starting to take the piss now. She needs to speak to her husband and demand he looks after HIS kid during her big night out. Me personally, I'm one of those friends that will actually tell him (her husband) myself. And I'm somewhat laid back and introverted. Until pushed to my limits that is. It seems like you're at your wits end. It's not fair on you. You shouldn't pay the price for the laziness of someone else's husband. That's mad.

I’d really love to know what your friends who are also attending the brunch think of this. I just can’t imagine her going and them all saying ‘oh it’s a shame cosmic couldn't make it but she’s got the baby’ what would she say? Oh yeah she’s looking after mine as well, she’s got the baby all afternoon, evening and over night too!

I just can’t get my head around this!

This is really sad. My intuition is telling me that your friend is struggling hugely and just wants time away from her baby no matter who it is. She just wants to be away from them. I would place a bet that her husband doesnt know that you have been looking after the child. That's why she doesnt want you to tell him .
I definitely think you should speak to her mum. And pull baxk completely on the help . I know it sounds heartless but she is never going to get through this by just farming her child off to someone. She's got to face it

I’d never held a small baby before in my entire life until I held my own, nor bathed or fed, or knew any mums with small babies. My H was not involved.
I did not park my new screaming baby with anyone.
I didn’t sleep
I managed, as we all do

It could quite plausibly be birth trauma, PNA or OCD and attachment issues. Time will tell, I suppose.

Can your husband talk to the other husband and say it is not sustainable. He sounds extremely selfish given what your friend is telling you however, your husband may get a different story.

Has your friend been checked for depression after the birth. It sounds like she wants to detach herself from the situation she is in as much as possible. Palming her baby off on as many people as possible is a very big red flag something is not right.

Not sure why the combative response?

Most of us do manage, obviously. She will need to learn to manage too. My point was wondering whether she has avoided spending much time alone with the baby at all yet. Either way, by helping, the OP has (with the best intentions) not helped, so is doing the right thing now.

You’re too much pls stop this nonsense!! Even if she was a single you have 2 under 2 come on!! Concentrate on your family. She’s a CF. You have done your part and she’s just taking the piss. Don’t help anymore!

Could you contact her health visitor for some support for her , she sounds as if she’s struggling but you need to step back a bit . Would she go to mum n baby group or go together and gain a bit of confidence in her own ability as a new mum , it’s a hard one .

It seems much more likely that she's palming the kids off on her mum, partner, you and maybe someone else. I bet all of them, you included are doing much more than their fair share and thinking she's got no one else.

Goodness, how did our foremothers cope with several young children?

She's TTP.

The sad thing about helping is that it can become taken for granted, expected and even abused.

She is useless and she is taking the piss.

I think it sounds like a sort of learned helplessness. It’s very unusual and not something you can help really @Cosmicpickle I think removing yourself is a good idea.

If she can't cope with a baby, how on earth is she going to cope with a teenager! Babies are the easy bit!

It's well documented that in the 1850s to 1960s when large families of close in age children were most common, that they didn't cope particularly well. They coped better than we do now because:

a) they were expected to do less parenting: children were left to fend for themselves more and mothers were not expected to engage as much with children as they are today.
b) multi generational households were much more common, mothers were rarely parenting alone
c)collective parenting was much more common, whether grandparents, aunts, neighbours or other.
d) expectations of women were based on family and the home. Women did work, but it was often in the home or with the children in tow.

As each of those were slowly eroded, parenting has become harder, both perceived and actually.

Prior to about 1850, having lots of children close together was actually pretty rare.