To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Not RTFT only the OPs posts. But just throwing it out there as an entirely different suggestion - could she be having an affair? So the upset and desperation to palm off her child, the idea that everyone is the only help available, the not wanting the partner to know… more to do with losing a different man?

I haven't read all the messages in response to your post but I did read your posts, OP. The only thing I wanted to add is this. It really, truly sounds like that your friend, although taking advantage of you, is suffering a great deal herself. She's with a new baby, overwhelmed, anxiety ridden and alone. She's between worlds, the one she had and the one she has found herself in, and she is clinging to you for support. None of this makes what she is doing ok, but I do get the sense that this might be what is going on. The fact she has had a baby with a glorified man child doesn't help, and she's clearly floundering. However, this doesn't mean that it is your responsibility. Sometimes, people look for help in the wrong places, and this is one of those times. Redirecting her to the help she needs is honestly all you can do. The fact you have done so much for her already speaks volumes about your character and the kind of mother you are. Your responsibility is to be a mother to your own precious bundle, not to mother her and her child as well. Sometimes the easiest way to care for someone is by stepping back and letting them face the consequences. This is the time you need to do that.

Several PP have suggested that.

I would suggest your husband's makes a date to take both young babies out together with your friends husband? Make it a regular thing then you'll know A) husband is helping, and B) your friend will definitely get a break she cant lie about.

Good luck, youre a great friend and I hope the situation resolves and you mate gets through help she needs.

What does the support she wants look like OP? What actually happens - do you go round and she goes to bed for a bit or has a shower or does some cleaning. Or are you taking her child out or having them at hers and she goes out?

I would have thought the most obvious scenario is that OP looks after the other baby in her own home. Either she picks up or her friend drops her baby off.

Not sure why you seem to have dismissed that.

The more it goes on, the more it sounds like she is using this time to be somewhere else and/or with someone else…

She is off the scale of entitlement unless she is unwell. She is offloading 4 out of 7 days, potentially more, & pshe seems to have a H who helps
Can she not see that you not only have a similar aged baby, (so when you have her baby, you effectively are looking after twins/ feeds/nappies) but with a whirlwind toddler in the mix…
I am hallucinating !

A couple of hours.. (occasionally, if she reciprocated…) is already a big favour

She must really loath motherhood.

She is seriously taking the piss! Really taking advantage of you
My youngest us 10 years old and ive never asked anyone to have her overnight not once

I can only think she is really unwell to deploy this level of entitlement given your own situation. It’s absolutely nuts!

What have I literally just read? You do realise you've taken on the role of the dad?

She's "struggling"? She wants you to take the baby overnight so she can go out and have fun, while you're already navigating your own young children. And while her husband sits at home alone, enjoying his free time and relaxing?

I would say she's plenty recovered from her "struggles"!

When do these two actually do any parenting? That child is going to start calling you mummy any day now.

Sorry but she is no friend. She's a piss taker. If you lose her as a mate, good riddance.

I’d find it hard to believe she has the time or energy for an affair with a young baby, but then stranger things have happened.

A young baby that is looked after by others at least four days a week, possibly more, and quite likely by the partner in the evenings too?

Emotional blackmail or what! Who wouldn't want 2 free days to themselves with no responsibility. She has a mum and partner. They are her support network or she can find professional paid childcare. You've done enough, put a firm boundary in place.

Did she want the baby? It could be that yes she is struggling, but it could also be that she actually really, didn't want a child, and of course now that she has one is freaking out.
I have a friend who had a baby like that, and a COMPLETELY useless husband(HAD).....she rarely asked for help, even though she probably should have!

I wonder if she’s never actually looked after the baby on her own. Perhaps she’s getting every day covered or has her husband there. Maybe she doesn’t know how to do it… I think you’re doing the right thing, by helping you were not helping in the end, if that makes sense.

It does sound very much like PND.

The fact she has her baby looked after for 4 days a week and still feel she can't cope says it all, and she is also asking someone who has two small children of their own to look after.

Perhaps your DH could speak to her partner asking how it's going, then perhaps say you're a bit worried about her as she is finding it really tough.

The sooner she can get some professional help, the better, as by palming the baby on other people, it's not actually helping the problem.

Jesus Christ. No, just stop! I’m having my DN who is 6 weeks for 3 hours one a week from 9-12 and I think I deserve a bloody medal for that after raising 4 kids and also helping out with my umpteen grand kids. She is absolutely taking the mick. She’s using you in the role her partner is supposed to take.

Her mother and the OP are doing most of the caring so I reckon she has plenty of time!

You really should not have to leave home to avoid this 'friend.'

She's taking the pi$$ OP. I'd stop it all or severely reduce it. She's using you as free childcare. She needs a open, honest and difficult conversation with the Baby's Dad

@Cosmicpickle do you know what she does with her time whilst you are looking after her baby? It seems odd that she was quite opposed to the suggestion that you all spend time together. Also, the not wanting anyone else to know and keeping you all separated is a bit odd.. Definitely think you all should get together as one and bring things out into the open if only just as a united front in helping but as it is it all seems that no one is quite clear in what is actually going on. Definitely talk to her mother and the husband for more clarification.

OP you’ve done so much already.

what do she do for work before having her dc? Might be best she goes back to work sooner rather than later and uses paid childcare.

although he does agree she is struggling he doesn’t believe her partner is as useless as she says he is, they are in touch quite frequently (have been friends for years and now play together in a football thing on a weekend) and apparently he does often mention their son, talks about his sleep, maybe he is useless and does nothing but maybe not.

Your DH's views of what a new mother needs in terms of support, what he thinks his friend does, and what his friend actually does, may all be very different things.

If your friend needs more support than she's getting, she needs more support, however much her husband talks about his son's sleep. It's HIS job as your friend's partner, and his son's father, to give this support, or help find extra support.

Not your job.

There's nothing to stop you from saying you will help her out but only if she is also present. No more dropping the baby off with you or picking them up. Then at least you know what she's actually doing with the time rather than just taking advantage. But I do agree here that this has gotten a little past a joke tbh. I've never looked after another person's kids for free. I got childcare qualifications so that I could be paid for that kind of stuff

It's starting to sound like she is up to something and trying to get the child out of the way.