To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Thats all brilliant you are a good friend and enjoy your break it sounds great, it is strange she doesnt want to go out with you as she could still palm the baby off on you, i agree with others theres another reason and somewhere she wants to be , but you have done the right thing

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing, whether it turns out she needs support or she's being ungenuine. When my son was a baby, there was a woman in our group of 'new parent' friends who seemed to really be struggling, she would tell us her husband's business was failing and they were struggling financially. We'd all be there for her with hugs when she cried, we always paid for her lunch, some people bought things for her and the baby or gave her money. Eventually it came up in conversation with her husband and he had no idea what we were talknig about - turns out his business was doing really well and they had zero money issues! I still have no idea why she did it.

What does the support she wants look like OP? What actually happens - do you go round and she goes to bed for a bit or has a shower or does some cleaning. Or are you taking her child out or having them at hers and she goes out?

It's not support in the sense of accompanying her to a baby group so she knows someone there, or advice around sleep or anything practical. The "support" she wants seems to be for someone else to do it instead of her, not even with her.

I hope her HV can get her to open up, well done stepping back OP.

I had a friend who hired night and day nannies even when not working and went away frequently leaving the child with these professionals (who were lovely). She just struggled with the lack of agency and control that comes with young children.
When they were older there was always help at home so the parents could do their own thing and go for weekends away.

They were rich enough to have this help and with no questions asked. The kid is grown up now and very close to the parents.

Your friend may be just in this camp rather than clinically depressed.

In the long run you have done the right thing if it is PND she needs help and if it’s a bonding issue it might help more having the time with her baby, the husband might be totally unaware of how she is feeling so it’s good he might gently be brought in the loop x

Well done. You’re not cruel but supportive. For whatever reason, your friend needs help and you’re getting this initiated. We don’t know whether your friend is a lazy mum (who’s good at turning on the waterworks), suffers from pnd, lacks confidence, a user or just prefers her single lifestyle, but things have got to change.

I can tell you feel a little guilty at taking yourself out of the equation. Don’t. You’ve done your bit and are helping her move forward. Don’t be surprised if she drops you completely, and finds another ‘friend’ to take up the slack. If so, you know she’s a user.

Enjoy your holiday.

Bless your heart, you've done so well to balance kindness and concern. Perhaps one day she'll realise what a great friend she has in you.

I hope you have a lovely break with your family.

You are not cruel and selfish at all and it is interesting she turned down your offer of a day out together with the children today. Good idea to involve her mum. You can't collude with her and keep her behaviour and mental health a secret especially with a young baby involved even if she becomes annoyed with you. It is a safeguarding issue and you have done well with the situation. Have a good break

Well done op, enjoy the time away.

Ah I'm so glad you've booked a little time away with your dcs. I think that's a fab idea!

Like another person said it may seem harsh short term but it will help in the long-term.

Well done on calling the HV.

Well done and enjoy your short break.

It’s not cruel or selfish at all OP.
You have helped her and extended yourself beyond.
She has been incredibly lucky to have you.
But she cannot keep doing this to you.

She absolutely needs to be confronted with the true.

Lets hope your words, the HVs and Mums can get her to seek help and have a frank conversation with her partner.

Why? The OP isn’t doing this, so that’s not what the husband has been told. We also know that she has form for telling lies.

Well done, OP-enjoy your time away. Hopefully this will be the circuit breaker that’s needed-don’t restart it. You can say the break made you realise how exhausted you were looking after 3 kids and 2 is more than enough for you so it won’t be restarting.

Jesus Christ I was sixteen when I had my first. He was not a good sleeper at all but I still managed better than this! Nobody minded him for me!

Sounds like you are being a great friend. It takes bravery but you are doing the right thing.

When DS was tiny I stayed with my friend a few times and she looked after him overnight so I could catch up on sleep, the major difference there was I was only metres away! He was an easy baby though and once he started sleeping through the night I got to sleep properly as well.
And I'm a single mum, saints preserve me from a useless man. My ex would have been useless, he attempted to change DS' nappy once and failed miserably, despite having two other children.

I have know a lot of women suffer with PND and suffer badly, but have never heard the like of your user friend.
Well enough to go to Brunch, but not well enough to have her baby 4 days a week as she uses and old friend with 2 under 2.

She is a disgrace IMO.
Well done for stepping back.

I agree that you have short changed your own family by getting overly involved with her.
How ever kindly you meant it, your involvement is ridiculous.
Well done for arranging to be away.

I have come across women like your friend who have children but somehow there is always drama and them needing others to help.

I know of several that had them as neighbours and they brought nothing but stress to the people around them, constantly imposing on people until they were eventually cut off, and moved on to others like grifters.
Happy to have 3 or 4 children but absolutely allergic to the practicalities involved.
All very MC yummy mummy types too.
Awful neighbours to have.

You mind yourself OP.
She really isn't your friend.
Friends do not behave like this.

She doesn't sound genuine at all. I have a relative who always turns on the waterworks to get what she wants - which is always people running round doing everything for her and giving her money. It sounds to me like she's successfully got you and her mum as free childcare while she gets to have a lovely quiet time at home on her own four days a week.

She doesn't want it escalated to her husband or the health visitor because she'll get found out. My relative is the same. Claims she has severe depression and is suicidal but when I suggest she goes and sees a doctor and gets antidepressants, she always point blank refuses because she's 'scared of doctors.' It's actually because she's not depressed, and never has been. It's all just a manipulation tactic that's worked for her loads - she's had people giving her money, doing odd jobs for her, free childcare etc. Including me at times because she's bloody good at it!

I so agree with above.
Speaking to her mother, husband and HV are all excellent ideas.
Bring it all out into the open.
People like her would like for everyone to be kept very separate so they don't join the dots and say WTF is going on here.
PND can be different things but I honestly have never heard of it being dump your newborn on others whilst you socialise with friends.

The idea that she dumps her baby on you AGAIN while she heads out to brunch is an obscenity and you are finally right to challenge your being used like a fool.
I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to challenge your being used like this.

This does sound likely-it feels very much like she is enjoying having loads of time to herself whilst you and her mum do all the childcare, and doesn’t want her husband, the HV or the GP to be involved as then she’ll be rumbled.

This

Well done for stepping back. She may be struggling with PND but she has been getting four days of free childcare, baby at home at a weekend when I assume her husband is around so in fact she only has one day a week when she is alone with her baby - that you know of. Maybe his parents have the baby the other day during the week. She has plenty of down time.

You need to prioritise your family and stepping back is the kindest thing you can do for her - she has to get on with it herself. What happens if she has another baby next year - would you then have been expected to look after them both for her.

Wishing you well op. I agree that taking some days away from the situation is a great idea. You are so kind and this shines through. I hope the HV can step in and your friend can get some help. Enjoy your time away.

@Cosmicpickle

I’ve booked a lovely lodge in the Lakes for me and the kids next week to just take myself out of the ring completely for a little bit, I know that might seem cruel and selfish....

No one is required to set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm.

You've done the right thing. You've alerted the people with the experience and expertise to help her and you've taken yourself out of the picture. Now let go of it all and enjoy your visit to the Lakes.

Bless you OP you have been so kind, but your friend is really taking advantage of you and trying to bully you now.

Try to be less available overall and don’t feel guilty. She isn’t your responsibility.

Have a lovely break. 💐