To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

She’s absolutely taking the piss. Her mum does 2 days, you do 2 days. I bet she doesn’t want her husband to find out that 4 out of 5 days she’s doing what she likes! Are you sure she’s not having an affair or something?!

I think you’ve been a great friend and done a lot for her. However, it’s not your problem to solve. Even if she 1) has a useless husband or 2) has PND it’s up to her and her family to help her to get the support she needs.
You can mention to HV, her mum or even her husband but after that I would step back a little and only see her with her child.

Does her DH live with her? I mean it’s bizarre that he can’t look after his baby on his own, and apparently expects his mate and his wife to do it instead?
It would look weird if your husband didn’t fucking mention it to him!

Oh Darling, wise up.

Yes, I apologised for missing that. But this is an outlier - an hour on MN will show you that.

And it's a deeply cynical populist-Right argument to say that anyone who points out an inequality is 'looking down on me'.

The whole point about successful power structures is often that we can barely discern them - they've been so successfully absorbed as 'common sense' or 'the way things are'.

Finally, just because you're sick of hearing something doesn't mean it's not true. In fact, if it's winding you up it's probably more likely that it's hitting a nerve, otherwise you'd just nod and move on. (Though see above re the strategy of casting those who question the status quo as snooty elitists - perhaps you just couldn't resist the opportunity?)

yes there is something weird going on besides the alleged struggle by OPs friend. What kind of father will not look after their own child for no reason whatsoever but rather sends a tiny baby for a sleepover?

I'm going to be honest.
She sounds like a pisstaker.
And the reason she doesn't want your dh mentioning it to her dh is because she's telling lies.
She's told you lies about how much her dm does.

I think you need to put boundaries in place,you have your own stuff to do.
What's she going to do when they're a toddler still expect you to be an unpaid childminder.

This has to be sorted and I think it's time you stepped back.
You can't help if she doesn't want to be helped.

How are you today @Cosmicpickle. Did you go to hers?

Read your updates op. I'd not go round at all for at least a week.

This will mean YOU get some headspace and time to process how you feel about it all as well as concentrate on your own little ones fully too.

Depending how subtle your DH can be maybe he could just chat generally to his friend (the dad). Does this dad know you are providing free childcare two full days a week, as is baby's nanna? Her panic might be that's he's a selfish abusive arse or it might be that he actually has no idea that she's asking so much! Maybe he could mention it in passing that YOU are tired and he's proud you have been helping her but hopefully she's settled into a routine now or something like that.

I would definitely call the health visitor, and talk to her mum. The fact she has lied about her mum's level of help does make you wonder what else she has been fibbing about.

Another thought: What you could offer her - rather than you looking after her baby - is that the 5 of you (you and your 2 kids, and her and her baby) do something regular together. That way, she gets some company (as looking after a baby alone can be so boring and lonely!), but she is ultimately in charge of her baby, and she'll be improving her attachment for her and baby (which is so important and in the long-term will make things easier for her with a more secure baby).

I bet the husband and mum have no idea you have the child that much and you are all being told different things. Is she having an affair? An addiction? Rather than assumption of undiagnosed PND

@Cosmicpickle if your dh is more outspoken like mine is.
Use that to your advantage.
He needs to open the door when she next arrives and tells her you're not available.
And keep doing it.
She's not worried about you or your feelings

Plus ice 5 kidd you're going to have a thicker skin cause when your kids start school the cfs really come out of the woodwork.
You need to be able to say no without a reason.

I think it's more that people want good, balanced and above all, practical, real-world advice, not post-modern theorising.

It's fine to do that with stuff you read on MN for your own personal intellectual interest - but I don't think this kind of observation is of any use to OP, or anyone really!

Well the husband must know that the baby is going to the OP’s for a sleepover on Saturday, rather than being looked after by him, his father, in the child’s own home.

We've no idea what the husband knows generally, but he wouldn't know about Saturday because the OP has said no so it's never reached the DH. I guess if OP had said yes, the mum could've easily made out she was taking the baby out with her and staying over at OP's with the baby. She seems adept at fibbing.

That sounds good. Baby group, rhyme time, coffee after.

I have been in touch with the HV this morning and let her know, I did mention the specific things she said and that I was really worried so I’m hoping someone will go round today. Obviously the HV can’t tell me anything but they are usually pretty good and get someone out to see you the same day if you have any concerns so I’m hoping the same will apply here.

She did text this morning and then called which I answered, she was again very upset and asking if I could just help for a few hours, I’ve said I can’t (I have actually ended up heading out for the day today incase she turned up at the door) but that she was welcome to join us out for the say and that was a resounding no.

I’m going to speak to her mum at the baby class later in the week, my husband plays football with her partner on a weekend so I think he’s going to try and broach the topic not in a “you’re useless do more” way but rather just a “how are things going” to try and get a gauge. I’ve booked a lovely lodge in the Lakes for me and the kids next week to just take myself out of the ring completely for a little bit, I know that might seem cruel and selfish but after your replies and chatting with my husband last night I think actually maybe if she is confronted with the reality for a week, if it is PND she may be more likely to realise she does need help.

I think going away for a few days is a great idea.
It's not cruel or selfish to put your own family first.
I'd block her for the time you're away and give yourself space.

Well done OP. You are helping her more by giving her the rod rather than the fish (if you know what i mean).

@Cosmicpickle that sounds promising. I hope you have a wonderful week. I love the lakes. Going again soon.

Well done, sounds like you're doing all the right things and still being a very good friend. Unlike her - whatever mindset she's in, I can't get my head around how she reacts like this: She did text this morning and then called which I answered, she was again very upset and asking if I could just help for a few hours when she knows you have 2 tiny DC of your own to manage. However deep in whatever hole she is, she must see the madness of expecting you to cope with 3 DC while she has none for the majority of the time and she can't even acknowledge that, just keeps pushing and being upset at you. Eeesh. Enjoy the peace in the Lakes and hopefully she'll get help/perspective soon.

Not cruel at all, you sound like a really good friend and the Lakes is absolutely beautiful, the perfect place for a reset! I hope the HV is supportive with your friend. Enjoy your break, OP

You’ve done the best you can. Hopefully a professional will see her struggles

you being away /out of the picture is a good thing

you also need time with your kids

Edited as caught up on original posts, well done OP

Well done @Cosmicpickle enjoy your break. ❤️