To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

When she turned up at your house yesterday, all upset, did she have the baby with her?

You need to stop. Prioritise your own children, you’ll look back with a lot of regrets. She has her mother and husband and her guilt tripping on you is horrible. Really just awful. Don’t let her down gently, and leave the house if you think she’ll come round anyway.

She’s told lies though so it’s not clear if he is as useless as she has made out! Personally think OP has been too nice, she’s been played and used. If Op has her baby two days and her Mum two days her DH might have one day she’s practically hardly doing any parenting. And where’s she going all these times?! Sounds suspicious to me. I think more going on.

She should also know that you can't just pay people to look after your baby. OP isn't (and has no wish to be) a registered childminder so to pay her for childcare isn't even allowed. She can hire a nanny to look after the baby in her own home but suspect she's not going to do that as it doesn't suit this weird shifty scheme she's built up. Definitely talk to the HV and the mother and let them get to the bottom of it. Her behaviour is troubling, especially with all the tears and lies, and complete lack of empathy for your situation.

And if she has other plans she’s expected to incorporate the friend’s baby into those?! I agree with you it very much looks like she said no to the brunch because she had her children and the friend then said ok you can take my baby too!

Agreed. Also that the friend said her mum barely helps and she didn’t say “I see her at the baby group every week”.

‘Hi Friend, I’ve been happy to help out as you are clearly struggling, but it’s now becoming too much for me. You need to speak to your husband and arrange a way to share childcare, because I can’t continue to look after your baby on top of my own two children - and really it is dad who needs to do overnights if you have a social event. I’m happy to do a couple of hours in the afternoon in an emergency, but I am finding the current expectations too much.’

I wondered this. Or is doing something else eg has a gambling addiction or something and is manipulating the OP to try to get on with that? It sounds like she has an awful lot of time without the baby to then be saying she isn’t coping. I do understand PND but it just feels more manipulative to me.

You said OP couldn't go "BECAUSE" SHE'S LOOKING AFTER HER FRIEND'S BABY!!!!

Now you've changed that to SHE ASKED OP TO LOOK AFTER HER BABY BECAUSE OP HAD ALREADY DECIDED NOT TO GO.

I stand by my very mild rudeness.

Why does she need someone to look after her baby overnight for a brunch anyway? Seriously taking the piss

“Tigerbalmshark · Yesterday 22:28
Ninerainbows · Yesterday 21:35
You've been a saint, OP. And I think she is lying to you and her mum about what all of her "supporters" are actually doing, because she's trying to avoid having anydays on her own with the baby due to PPD.
Yes this is exactly what I think is happening (and why I suspect her DH isn’t as useless as she makes out, and why she doesn’t want you speaking to him).
She needs professional help, via her HV or GP, not childcare.”

@Cosmicpickle - this with bells on. I think it’s in the baby’s interests that there be a discussion with the baby’s father because the mother’s judgement has gone awry. She needs professional intervention but is scared to ask for it. A PP suggested that the fathers manage a playdate - that sounds a great idea.

Does she give you money for food and nappies whilst the baby is with you? Has she ever reciprocated and had your baby for an hour or two to give YOU a break?

Even if she had PND because of an irritable baby and lack of support from her partner I think she's taking you for an unpaid mug and you're doing her DPs role. Just tell her now that she needs to arrange proper childcare and pay for it.

Between you and her mum, you are providing an enormous amount of help and she has a husband on top. She clearly still isn’t coping or doesn’t want to cope, so they as a family have to look at what’s going on.

Sounds rather like she wants loads of time to herself and if she’s prepared to use her older mum and you with two young kids already to get it, she doesn’t actually sound like a very nice person.

Possibly also why she doesn't want her DP being told of what's going on to.

You can text her initially so she has time to read it and absorb it. Then talk face to face later.
start with self disclosure-
‘ I feel really bad/incomfortable/worried to say this but I have to say no to the overnight stay. It feels too much for me and isn’t fair on my toddler. I’d be shattered! And we need to plan out the other days. I can do some mornings. But it’s getting harder to have all three for longer than that? Hope you’re ok. Let’s chat when you come over. …..

You can text her initially so she has time to read it and absorb it. Then talk face to face later.
start with self disclosure-
‘ I feel really bad/incomfortable/worried to say this but I have to say no to the overnight stay. It feels too much for me and isn’t fair on my toddler. I’d be shattered! And we need to plan out the other days. I can do some mornings. But it’s getting harder to have all three for longer than that? Hope you’re ok. Let’s chat when you come over. …..

@Cosmicpickle you have been so kind, a friend like you should be cherished.

She is using you as childcare and is taking the piss, you need to pull back, she isn’t your responsibility.

I understand the importance of her needing a break now and then but not multiple times a week and nights out.

How is she planning on coping long term?

Just read all of your updates OP and glad you're going to call the HV. If she's struggling with looking after her child 3 out of 7 days a week then she needs more formal support. I had PPD when dc were small and you can't see the wood for the trees with tiredness. But getting help gave me the time to reset and start to enjoy my babies. Those first months are hard and you've been more than a good friend but she's overstepping on your friendship and its time to get her more substantial help and support.

@IsittimeformynapyetApt username. I think you perhaps need a lie down.

Sounds like her lies are unraveling. Does her DH know how much and for how long you have been looking after his kids? Obviously her mum needs to know too. This woman is desperate to avoid doing anything to help herself, so why wouldn’t she be the same with her kid?

It sounds like she does need support, but that doesn't mean it needs to be you. The link below shows you where she can access perinatal mental health support in your area. You could also look up whether Home start operates in your area.
https://www.heartsandmindspartnership.org/map

I wouldn't even continue to be friends with someone that manipulative. She's just a user. You are such a lovely person and she is taking advantage of you.

This! That’s where I would have started.

Though actually I wouldn’t have even started having her baby at all. Meeting up together for coffee/toddler groups/park etc to offer support to a friend is fine. Why should you spend days a week having three kids just so she can have none and get lots of ‘time to herself’. Do you get lots of time for yourself?!

I wonder why she doesn’t want people to speak to her husband? Yes, he could be a horrible abuser and has duped you all, but she could also be a lazy CF and he has no idea you and her mum and giving her so much child free time.

Although she may not want your DH speaking to her partner can because she has said he was useless.

Can he talk to him in a more general way e.g. ask him how things are? hows the baby? how is life in general since the baby has come along? How is mum keeping - hope she's well? just day to day things really. Get him to say something like he remembers how hard life was when he was a new dad and kind of play dumb a little?

When you speak to the HV @Cosmicpickle , please be sure to mention that she thinks the baby doesn't like her and is better off with you, as these are red flags for risk.