To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

What's wrong with the Health Visitor, as countless PPS and the OP herself have already mentioned? Why wrack your brains for anyone else?

We're not sure that's true though.

The friend also said that her mother only visits for an hour 2 mornings a week, which OP knows is untrue and it's making her doubt everything else her friend says.

Did you not read that bit?

I'm getting thoroughly sick and tired of the "all you other silly women have internalised misogyny" trope. "Not like MEEE - I'm a proper enlightened woman".

No. Read it again 🙄

No matter how sad the problem or bad the problem ...it's still not your problem OP.

I’m incredulous! She has a partner and help from her mum, but she’s still palming the baby off on a friend who has 2 under 2 to look after???? Can’t believe my ears. Sorry but you’ve been taken for an absolute mug. Her and her husband sound like awful parents. Start saying no immediately. Poor, poor baby.

I think it’s become clear from all your subsequent posts OP that this could well be a very serious situation for your friend and her child which is reaching crisis point. She considers her baby is happier with you and has all but given up mothering the baby herself.

You are right to have decided to speak to the HV about her predicament as soon as possible. Tell the HV that you are handing over your concerns to her as you fear it may have become a safeguarding issue.

Your friend is desperately covering up the true nature of her growing problem in wanting to spend less and less time with her baby. You know for a fact that her story about the amount of help her mum gives, doesn’t add up. You suspect her story about her child’s father’s involvement doesn’t add up either. Furthermore, it seems your friend is trying to keep you away from each other so as not to confer so I would also make a point of letting her partner and her mum know the level of your concern as soon as you can. They do have a right to know the full extent of the problem if they haven’t realised already.

You have been a wonderful friend to have responded the way you have so far.
The tough part for you now is actually going against her will in order to properly help her and her baby with professional support. Good luck OP.

Your friend sounds mentally very unwell and is in denial. You have been a wonderful friend, but now its time for professionals to step in and for you to step back and give everything to your family. Your withdrawal will bring things to a head. Her mum urgently needs to get her to the Dr. Then if need be, once she has medical help, you can help again, but on your terms.

Maybe she’s not even telling her husband the amount of help she gets. That’s why she’s panicking at the mention of talking to him. None of this adds up.

If you are all helping as much as you are, and others around her are doing more than she is telling you/as much as you suspect, that already adds up to a lot of time during the week when she is without the baby. That’s already quite a lot of time when she isn’t with the baby to catch up with sleep or jobs, or whatever the original agreement was when you started helping. Despite that if anything she is leaning on you more rather than less

You sound like a really kind and thoughtful friend, with the patience of a saint, and I honestly think you deserve a medal for the help
you've unquestioningly given her, especially with two small kids of your own. But, bluntly (but kindly), your current arrangement isn’t helping her, and whatever the problem is, your help is helping her to mask things instead of deal with them at the moment

I think if you try to mentally reframe the situation that way when pushing back on the extra hours, or getting to the bottom of what’s going on, it will help you with your resolve and what’s likely to be a difficult few days.

whatever happens next, and whatever she says to you, you’re being a really kind and thoughtful friend and she is very lucky to have you. Good luck x

She has really taken advantage of you op, and your kindness.

Defo dont go round today.

Yes it's also strange that she offered to pay the OP. While I assume maybe this would have been at a lower rate than official childcare, to me it again suggests she wanted to do this in a way it could be hidden from the partner rather than paying for a place at nursery which would be more formal and a greater chance her husband would find out.

There are definitely issues over why she is secretive about things - is it the husband is abusive or is it she doesn't want him to know about her struggles?

Can’t your husband say something to her husband without saying “I hear you’re useless”? Something like “Cosmic is struggling to have the 3 kids so much so is going to have to stop taking your child during the week”? That’s not saying anything about the husband? Or “why am I being asked to have your child overnight when you’re at home?” is a bit more direct but still not saying “your wife says you do nothing”. Also, have you said no to the brunch due to the kids and then she’s said ok you can take my child?! That’s properly taking the piss. She can’t hide behind not coping / needing sleep there.

She’s taking the piss going to a brunch while you miss it for childcare and her husband enjoys a weekend break. They are BOTH taking the piss.
Her DH needs to know the full story so that he can step up and help her. She clearly can’t or won’t help herself at the moment

Try to see this from the baby’s perspective. If I were to give that baby a voice, it might sound like this, Who is my mummy? And why am I not with her?

This baby needs support to form a bond with their mummy, and the mother equally needs support to bond with her baby.

With all due respect, OP, the current situation risks creating attachment difficulties. What’s really needed here is professional support, potentially through perinatal services, to ensure both mum and baby receive the help they need

Is she having an affair OP?
Stranger things have happened....

I understand OP. Your long term friends and you saw her struggling. I think most people out of concern for their friend and their friends baby would try to help. But I do think you need to talk to her mum and dad possibly her partner. But mum first to get a gauge on the relationship with the baby.

I would maybe offer 1 morning a week as I’d want to get eyes on her and the baby with regularity. And maybe offer to keep her company or let her watch the baby at yours?

keep pushing to get her help sometimes we have to go the extra mile for people who struggling even when things aren’t perfect for ourselves. This is not you depriving your kids it’s being friend/family. But if she needs long term help it may have to get worse before it gets better.

@Cosmicpickle Your kindness and compassion are a credit to you. Your friend is very lucky to have you.

Fingers crossed that once you’ve alerted the health visitor there will be some swift intervention.

It's mad that you see her mum out and about with the baby and you've never said to her about about how much you have the baby?

I hope you get it sorted, for all your sakes. Health visitor is a good start and tell her mother!!

Rude.
I have read it. She says it's an afternoon brunch and that they're also her friends so she was invited but "I'm not going." That resulted in a request to take this baby instead.
Regardless of the reasons the OP is not going (and I'm presuming it's connected to either having to care for her own kids or because she has other plans), why should that mean she should have this other baby.

I think you have been an incredibly kind and patient OP.However, kindly She needs to get her DH to help .I appreciate hes not keen ,however it's not up to you. You have got your hands full already with two LO of your own ! Cant her DM babysit .Anyway just explain that you are finding it a bit much with 3 LO and cant do it .Esp overnight! Many people feel overwhelmed but manage to cope.

I think you would be so wrong to offer a morning a week, as PP suggested. It gives such a mixed message. She will inevitably expand the time, for one thing. And this poor passed around baby needs consistent care from someone, family or professional, who has the right and ability to give it. As much as your friend doesn't have the right to emotionally blackmail you into caring for her baby, so you (motivated by kindness) don't have the right to provide it. He's not your baby. I think you have drifted into a situation that you wouldn't impose on a puppy, let alone a child. And I find it hard to reconcile PND with brunches with friends that extend to all nighters.

Yes children that are not mine and very good care.
Again like I said in my response to you before, your limitations are not others.
we don’t really need to go over the same ground, and I wouldn’t want to deprive your child of any more time 🫢

OP I would be fully mentally prepared for your friend to show up at your house today as she did yesterday.

I’m glad you plan to speak to the HV and mum. Her mum woukd probably be pleased to have someone to talk to about her daughter as well.