To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

It is in a paid nursery/childminder situation but I dont think it applies to CFs who can't be arsed to parent their small baby 😆 maybe it should !!

This. Absolutely fuck that.

What the hell!! This is crazy. Absolutely you need to stop completely. Totally above and beyond.

@Cosmicpickle I just wanted to touch on something you said about her having difficult birth and the baby being very unsettled. I think it would be worth suggesting she takes baby to an osteopath as baby might need some adjustments. This can make a massive positive change in babies, so definitely worth a shot.

I'd also suggest she has some therapy for potential birth trauma for herself.

Can you suggest the men do a play date with the babies? You would then get a first hand observation of how inept he is.

Yes this is exactly what I think is happening (and why I suspect her DH isn’t as useless as she makes out, and why she doesn’t want you speaking to him).

She needs professional help, via her HV or GP, not childcare.

Agree with this 100%. OP is doing the right thing by stepping back but she certainly hasn’t ’deprived’ her own kids.

No - just no.

A long time ago I used to be a childminder and just ONCE I offered to help a parent out with overnight care. I had her child full time so I knew he was hard work but it had only ever otherwise been during the day. Her child was particularly fussy and difficult but mine at the same age was an utter dream. They were both roughly 8 months old. Mine had slept through nights since she was around 2 months old. What could possibly go wrong?

Just that one single night of unrest, waking and tears threw my little one and I had 2 ENTIRE YEARS of my child waking during the night after being otherwise a full night sleeping baby.

2 whole years of exhaustion. Let’s say I learnt my lesson the very hard way.

Omg she is taking the piss, I have a tricky 6 month old and I’ve only left him twice for a couple of hours, it’s not your problem her other half is useless. I understand it is difficult and I’d love someone to take him for a day for me but I wouldn’t put that on anybody unless it was an emergency! Definitely wouldn’t do it just for a night out!

This.

That only applies in childcare settings.

I had 3 under 2 when my twins were born when DS was 16 months.

your own children are missing out if you have a 3rd a full two days a week.

if she is it prepared to get help, with Gp or a health visitor but can cajole a friend to be a free childminder and want to go out socially I wonder where she is. Not struggling so much she can’t get others to mark life easier for her at least.

she can pay for her baby to go to a nursery or childminder if wants days every week to do self care. Imagine if she has a 2nd as used to everyone doing he hard work for her?

You mum is right. You need to contact HV as a matter of urgency. You also need to say to the friend "Friend, you need to see a doctor". Dont get caught up with who did what when. The other woman sounds unwell and there is a baby involved.

Good grief, if she's struggling this much despite effectively having four days a week peace and quiet, she definitely needs medical help.

She is taking advantage of you 😕

You should start asking her for help back, that will put a stop to it! If she thinks it’s reasonable to get you to have all 3 kids then she should be able to do it back!

she insists that doesn’t really help because she needs the time to sleep, rest and take care of herself.

I'm quite surprised that she can that seriously to you, knowing that with two children under two you certainly aren't getting that sort of time to yourself. I think a chat with the Health Visitor would be a very good idea. The HV obviously can't discuss her with you, but they certainly have a duty to check out what you have to say.

Speaking to her husband sounds wise.does he see her struggling? If he is aware then he needs to ensure hr support …l whether that’s her going out to brunch and out all night to enjoy herself and him having his child or not. Or paying for a childminder, a cleaner, speaking to HV team etc. is he aware of her demands on your time?

she says she just needs a few more weeks? What is she doing in those weeks to mean she is willing to look after her own children? Or able to?

She is really using you-how horrible. I would stop having her child at all-you’re not her childminder! If she really can’t cope then she needs proper help.

Fine if she wants to go for brunch but why would that involve anyone having the baby overnight?! She goes out for a few hours, the baby stays with the dad-no overnight needed.

No I think it’s fine to say you need to review it as you were able to help before especially with her being a new mum, but it’s not working now the DC are getting older and the arrangement has to come to an end.

I would keep it simple, but it’s also not up to you (and his Mum) to prop up a useless DH.

You don't need to worry about the best way to tell her No - just show her this thread. Direct her to her GP or local health worker. Your friend could print this thread out and stick it on her lazy partner's car (I'd be inclined to hand it to his Boss and ask him to pass it on to the piss-taking father, but that would be incendiary I know). You've done more than enough for your friend and she is abusing your goodwill. Time to cut the cord - at the end of the day, her problems, not yours, concentrate on your own lovely family.

Ultimately nothing changes until something changes. You putting a firm boundary in place may be the catalyst she needs to get help. Continuing as you are doing is inadvertently hurting the situation- how will they bond if he's constantly being cared for by others?

I second the advice about a quiet word with her mum when you see her.

Thank you for the lengthy explanation, @Cosmicpickle —

Here’s the thing: you don’t owe us any explanation
And honestly, you owe this person a minimal explanation.
Like, “I can’t help you any more. I’m very sorry. Here’s a list of agencies that may be able to help:
This agency
That agency
That one
And that one
List them with their addresses and phone #s.
And give her, what? 5 more days or however long you think is acceptable.
Then leave.
That’s all she wrote.
i wish you much luck. ❤️

Yes cranial ostepathy is miraculous and very gentle.

Sorry I pressed the wrong button…. You’re done more then enough… no more OP she’s taking the piss ..

the child is hers and she has to get use to being a mum , you need time with your own babies