To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

I think you're right to seek support for your friend from the HV OP.

Fwiw, i had twins when my oldest was just 2 and i found it hardest when the twins became mobile, i needed extra eyes and hands 😆 If you continue looking after her DS you'll soon essentially be in the same boat, with your DC1, your baby and hers. It's a lot to cope with, and not fair on you. And the more you step in, as kindly as you mean it, the longer it's going to take her to get on her feet.

Stop trying to mother the world. That woman is a fucking lèech. Learn to recognise leeches so that you can teach your children how life works. Because leeches exist no matter how much you want only a Disney world.

This is probsbly the best approach. Make it about you and try to keep signposting. Tell her that the GP can help in more ways than medications. Our GP can refer for different therapies not all meds for example.
Just keep signposting and saying that "this is too much for me and I cant cope with the 3 of them."

Why has my comment been deleted?

My comment might not be helpful but aren’t there a limit of under 2 year olds cared per adult to be a safe environment? I can’t imagine taking the responsibility of such a little life whilst still having so much to look after - imagine something goes wrong (by no fault of your own),…

You've been a saint, OP. And I think she is lying to you and her mum about what all of her "supporters" are actually doing, because she's trying to avoid having any days on her own with the baby due to PPD.

how could you manage three small kids with one high demanding baby is beyond my understanding. But stop being a doormat! You are not responsible for your friend’s poor choice of partner forever. I think deep down you know if you accept this more will be asked from you.

Such a difficult one op. I'm not sure exactly what the right answer here is but I absolutely agree with you that you cannot continue to be the sticky plaster on things. She's essentially using you as a crutch to keep things ticking over without actually addressing the issues. She absolutely does need to speak to her gp and hv and you are right to push back on this. Whether or not she's been telling the truth I don't think actually matters, she's not in her right self and is probably desperately trying to do what she needs to to 'protect herself' because she's scared of the alternative because it will be confronting.

I absolutely wondered if the other mother would do a "drop and run" from her own home (👀)

@Cosmicpickle Stick with your plan to call the HV tomorrow rather than visit.
You tried to gently step back and she dragged you further in this afternoon.

Your responses didn’t seem wildly indifferent, agree to disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️x

she has said today, that she can’t cope with this, that her baby is happier here with me, he doesn’t like being at home etc to me really does seem like PND

Yes, this requires professional intervention. Saying that her baby doesn’t like being with her is serious. She IS really struggling, but with her MH, not with the baby!

Tell the HV that she said this.

You are resolved on the right course, OP.

She needs medical help. Panicking over being alone with the baby is a clear symptom of PND.

I dont think you understood my posts or the point behind them, that’s ok.. like i said agree to disagree. Differing views.
edited to say, with this example outlier is preferable :)

FFS, can we stop with the bickering please? It's not helping the OP.

There's something dodgy going on. Talk to the HV in confidence to cover the PND issue. I wonder like others if she is having an affair didn't she ask for you to have her baby overnight?

she insists that doesn’t really help because she needs the time to sleep, rest and take care of herself.

She says that like you don't. She doesn't see you, with a baby the same age plus a toddler, needing time to sleep, rest, and take care of yourself and your kids. She's foisting hers on you at the expense of you and your kids.

"Support" to her means somebody else takes her kid.

I think that kind of says a lot about where she's coming from. She cries a bunch and guilt trips you and possibly her mom, into doing what she wants.

Has she deprived her own children by caring for a close friends baby while she is struggling (while also recognising the boundaries of the care she can provide realistically) absolutely not No.

Yes she has. Taking care of 3, two of whom are the same age and one more higher needs, does split her time. She doesn't have as much feeding and cuddling and bonding time with hers because she is babysitting a 3rd who isn't her child. 3 kids under 2, two of whom are 4 months, is full on. She can't really relax with her own. Their routines are disrupted. There's another baby wanting feeding and changing and time. The friend's child isn't getting plenty of skin to skin time and bonding with their mom. They can't develop a stable routine between 3 different households.

Can’t believe this is even a question. Absolutely not. “No.” is a full sentence.

Oh I see - thanks, and really sorry @Benjithedog i completely missed that update.

I’ll get back in my stinky feminist burrow till the next useless man thread, shouldnt be more than ten mins

Support her by encouraging her to see her GP for PND and ask your husband to have a word with her partner. He doesn’t need to go in all guns blazing but he could say how concerned he is and he really needs to step up. It’s not always the case but baby may be difficult as there is no bonding.

You don’t have to be cruel as most will advise on here 😳 and thank you for being a friend to her. If she does have PND which sounds likely, she will not be thinking strait. 💐

I do get where you’re coming from in terms of the practicalities, I know how full on and time consuming babies are especially when they have high needs.
But I do think deprived is a very strong statement, I know from experience that I could personally give solid care to multiple little ones at the same time without any of them being deprived.
in a perfect world we would all be able to cope and thrive as single units, but the majority of people need support (totally agree that this woman needs professional help) at some points in life.
I believe op has done the right thing by stepping back and prioritising her family absolutely.
but I also believe you can make sacrifices to help others who need care, if you have the capacity to do so (with boundaries) without it meaning that your depriving your immediate circle.
this country has very little community values left, and with the state that our social and health services are in I think we should be looking out for each other as much as possible.

No worries, no doubt there will be another thread shortly where the man in question will
most definitely and without a doubt, be at fault.