To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

YANBU

as for this bit

she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight

what a knobhead, agree to have his own child indeed. Tell her to book a hotel and leave him to it

Fair dos pet. It sounds so dismissive of women down here!

My view is just that though
Hence I posted it

You need to read my posts because that’s absolutely not what I said.

the problem, as ever, is the man.

I never usually comment but I wanted to say I think you are being a wonderful friend.

Of course it’s possible that she’s shamelessly taking advantage of you/her hubby/her mum but…assuming this was a wanted baby…why would she actively decide to go down that route? It seems far more likely that she’s in the grip of a PND crisis.

I think you are doing the right thing by talking to the health visitor and her mum. You are also absolutely right to set your own boundaries with what help you can offer.

the only thing I’d maybe reconsider is whether to pull out of helping tomorrow at such short notice. Totally your call but maybe giving her a little bit of time to adjust to the new reality would help her see that she needs professional (medical) support.

Another option would be to call in at a different time than usual, to see how she’s coping with baby if she’s in charge of caregiving.

good luck and it’s clear you really care about your friend.

Yes I think so, don't we all need sleep and a rest when we've got newborns and for someone to provide free childcare at the drop of a hat! It's a tough stage, I had a toddler and a newborn and DH was away constantly (long haul pilot) both parents dead and in laws over 2 hours away, you just crack on with it. You're being kind OP but you need to put your family first, it's really not fair she's putting all this on your shoulders

I can accept this, honestly. I did what I thought was right at the time, I remember how difficult it was adjusting to having a new baby after a difficult birth and I could see my friend struggling, asking for help, I was freshly postpartum again myself and I felt capable of helping, I wanted to help and I didn’t want her to struggle. It did become more than I ever expected it to be and I should have put the brakes on that sooner, I can see I shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility. For what it’s worth my babies really are my world, they are both very happy, well taken care of and they want for nothing but yes I should have taken some control back over this a long time ago.

You don’t know that for sure. Even the OP isn’t sure this is the case.

And mine differs significantly. That’s why I responded to it.

I think the point is, that might not actually be the case.
The other Mum has been caught out in a big lie that her own Mum is helping a lot more than she claimed.
So it could be true that her husband is useless etc. but there’s no evidence of that other than this other Mum’s word.

It sounds as though she may need some support with postnatal depression but you've done your fair share. It may be worth speaking with her mum to see if this could come from her mum to get some more support around her.

You are a good friend to her, and it may be PND, she may be downplaying how much her mum or DH help so you think she’s coping ok.
Maybe her Mum and DH are worried too but she asked them not to mention it to you, so none of you are discussing it.

I hope she gets the help she needs but I think you’re absolute right to say no to overnights etc. You’ve done brilliantly by looking after another newborn alongside your own, plus your other child, not many would or could.

And if it turns out all of that is as big a fib as “my mum just pops in for half an hour while I shower”, which OP knows very well is a pack of lies?

They don’t even need overnight childcare at all, this friend is going out to lunch, but mysteriously can’t possibly have the baby back until some time the following day.

For all we know he is doing all of the childcare from 6pm-7am, and this is just another lie this woman has spun to get OP to do some free childcare for her.

Question Op- why does your friend need you to have the baby overnight so she can go out? Where is her DH? He should be the first port of call when she goes out, not you.

Stop now. Don't let her down 'gently' as someone suggested. She's going to keep clutching if you do that. And I wouldn't be with her on my own, because you are being very heavily emotionally blackmailed and you need to draw a line. She's not a single mother and she has her own mother within reach, and if she refuses to ask for professional help, that's her choice. Unfortunately.
Poor baby must be totally muddled.

The OP explains that in her first post.

Exactly. Regardless of what is really going on, there's a very young baby in the middle of this mess and you looking after it for so long will not be helping the clear attachment problems that exist

Oh yes - sorry. That will teach me not to read properly.

I still think he needs to step up, not Op. That’s not fair!! He’s the parent here.

Wanker!

Gently, we are all one bad day away from being the one struggling. Would this friend reciprocate?
This time with your baby is so precious. Although what you’re doing is extremely honourable and generous it is actually taking away from your time with your baby.
Be strong. You have done more than most ❤️

It's quite weird that she expects you to babysit over night to an event that you were also invited to! So you can't go because of young children, but she's well able to go.

I think you're a really kind friend OP but it's time to drop the rope. You've done loads for her and her DC but she needs to do sort herself out. Prioritise your babies.

I knew of a woman from a baby group who was always searching for childcare from when her baby was a newborn, turned out she was having an affair.

Does she used Mumsnet?

Only about the husband. Not why she needs overnight care for a brunch,