To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Why would she need you to have the baby if she’s going out for an afternoon brunch?? So basically she wants you to have the baby all afternoon., evening and over night so she can go out on the town with her mates? She just doesn’t want the responsibility of a baby, end of. PND my arse.

do the other friends know she’s asking you to have the baby while they go out? Surely they’re all talking about this? It’s just absolutely wild!!

I'm from the Midlands it's a term im used to using. Didn't mean any offence

Thank you all so much again for your advice it has been so helpful, I do still feel bad but I think it has taken today to really see that I can’t continue as I am.

I’m not struggling and I am very grateful to not have suffered with PND with either of my babies but I do need to give my time to my own babies now. I will still speak to her mum when I see her later in the week because I know she is close to her mum and maybe her mum doesn’t understand or appreciate how much she is still struggling, I know if the shoe was on the other foot my mum would want to know so that she could help me so fingers crossed we can try and make some actual positive steps rather than just enabling this to continue.

Does she not see that you are in the same position as her, except you have a slightly older one too?

Either it’s worrying because her husband is abusive (not saying he is but it’s one option), it’s worrying because she’s very unwell with PND and needs help, or she’s just lying to everyone and playing one off against the other. But in any case it sounds like she’s not getting the chance to bond with her baby.

I would be considering whether a call to someone would be helpful but I’m not sure who? A local midwife team or similar.

She has sent me another message asking if I can go round to her house in the morning, tomorrow is a day I should have been having her baby anyway so I don’t have plans and can go but I think I really need to spend some time trying to work out what to say and how to say it.

What you say and keep saying is that it's become too much, that it's gone way over what you agreed to do and that you can't (not that 'you don't want to', she'll try to talk you round with tears and guilt tripping) do it any more. That your own children are losing out on time with you and you're not willing to have that go on any longer.

And keep repeating, whatever she says to you, however much she cries. She needs to start taking some responsibility but right now she's happily palming that responsibility on to others.

I'd actually prepare the ground in advance and message her back that you'll come round but if she's going to try to get you to carry on and even take on more, it won't work and she'll be disappointed. At this stage I think you have to stop worrying so much about her mental state and concentrate on the reality that she's taking huge advantage of you and it has to stop.

What is she doing to help herself and her situation? Has she sought help? Is it postnatal depression? People have babies all the time and first babies are easy, in that it’s your sole focus. If she’s not handling it, it sounds like there’s more going on.

That isn’t your responsibility to fix. You having the baby as much as you are isn’t a solution. It’s a plaster. It’s not right, the babies going to think you’re its mother! She needs to be working on finding proper solutions, whether that’s counselling, meds or getting out groups and pushing through. Her partner needs to pull his finger out too.

@Cosmicpickle you have done a great thing by supporting your friend so much and it’s the right thing to set some boundaries now! I hope she steps up to accepting some professional help and thanks you for it in the long run! X

You’ve got no idea if this is really happening

You’re doing the right thing @Cosmicpickle , not going round there. Well done you.

Just to add that you could always ring her tomorrow instead of visiting, OP - though only if that works for you of course

I'm just thinking that, if the manipulation starts up again, a call's much easier to terminate than a visit, and at least it would forestall any claims that you "didn't bother about her"

Crumbling so much she’s going out for a boozy brunch bender at the weekend and trying to palm her baby off on the OP

I think you need to be frank with her and lay out some very firm rules.

If she is struggling, then she needs support from her family and probably a GP visit. Tell her this.offer to look after child whilst she attends if needed.

If her husband is abusive then she needs to tell you and get in contact with social services or similar. Tell her this and offer support as needed in this situation.

Other than that, you need to say no and set the ground rules. Maybe in a few months time when she is sorted something reciprocal can happen but you cannot continue... Or you will be.still be doing this in 2 years.

For her good, for the good of the child, and for your own good this needs to be resolved.

Interesting, in your update, that the plan needing extra childminding from you involves a brunch....many a jolly brunch I've attended in my time, but not one ever ran on that late; evening dinners are another matter of course! I guess that some of the group are at the same life stage as you, with very young families, hence turning down the invitation outright, as you did, or choosing a timeslot where they can socialise before heading back to their families.
If not for your own sake (and I think you have already gone over and above) consider the welfare of the baby. I wonder how much of his "difficult" behaviour results from picking up the vibes, and being unsettled by being taken away from the primary carer with no chance to bond consistently.
I think your DM makes a very fair point about some circumstances requiring informed professional help, and like many other posters, I am suspicious of her "divide and conquer" tactics.

If I were you, I wouldn't go and see her alone. Would you be able to ask your mother to come with you? Or at least to stay with your dcs while you and your husband go together.
If she has offered to pay you, and it's a genuine offer at a realistic rate, then she might start using a nursery. (Actually, what would happen if something went wrong if you were being paid for your time? It's already way beyond the odd babysitting exchange. Would you need insurance?)

Talking to her mum is a good idea. She may not know that you’re also doing two full days of childcare.
I think your friend is unwell. She sounds very panicky about having to look after her baby alone. It could be that she’s actually only doing it one day a week, perhaps the partner helps massively all w/e?
Whatever it is I hope she gets it sorted soon. You’ve been a lovely friend.

Why would the relatively new mother need overnight babysitting for a Brunch meet up ?

What, that he ringfences after work and weekends as ‘his downtime’ and sits on his arse while his dp does everything ?

Because that’s what I’m referring to.

Also, make sure that in your next communication with her about how you can't help any more, you mention that it is impacting on your ability to look after your own two children. Nobody could argue with that. x

You sound like a good soul and a good friend, OP

The OP is still in the eye of all this. And has been very stressed about it
Personally not a position I would ever find myself in because my children are my focus and where I direct all my energy and efforts towards. Would I look after a friend’s child? Sure! Would I even remotely allow this situation where my own young baby and toddler are having to share me with another very young baby? No. And if that’s my “limitation”… I am totally fine with that!

My point was simply that the op may be more forthright with her friend if she thinks about it in terms of depriving her own children of her energy that’s being channeled to another baby

So, how does this work? You go to her house first thing in the morning (dragging your own two kids away from their home/toys) and then what? What does she do all day? Go out? Go upstairs whilst you juggle three kids on your own? Or do you take them all out and walk the streets for hours whilst she stays home in the warm?
And her response to you saying you couldn't do this anymore was to text this evening and ask you to..... oh yes, come round tomorrow morning first thing and "do this some more."
It's not going to be easy to get rid of this one.

Exactly. And are you saying that you too have an invitation to this do but can't go BECAUSE YOU'RE BABYSITTING HER CHILD!

Does she have a Health visitor she can talk to about not coping, early motherhood can be a bit of a shock. You aren't doing her any favours in the long run, and if you carry on like this you will burn yourself out, its time to put you and your own children first. You may as well have had twins! Her partner sounds like a joke. This is not sustainable.

You need to read the OP’s update. It’s not the OP responsibility of becoming the de facto parent

That’s good for you. But still, No need to push the idea that someone else has deprived their children because they have offered love and care to another child that needs it (especially when they have recognised that moving forward it could be an issue).