To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Wow you are an incredible friend. Hats off to you. While I feel for your friend and her predicament, I say gently, this is not your problem. Her partner needs to step up like yesterday. You didn’t agree to having the baby with her, he did. Looking from the outside in you have already gone way beyond what you could expect from a friend.

Two half days a week was already incredibly generous considering what you have on your own plate. You are going to get burnt out soon if you don’t put some boundaries in place. Think of your own family you need to keep energy for them and this lazy partner of hers is the definition of a man using weaponised incompetence to get away with doing F all. For the sake of your sanity it’s time to start saying no, I understand you feel for your friend but you can be there for her in other ways. This is just far far too much to expect of a friend.

I’ve never got the impression that he is abusive but I know you see a very different man in a relationship than you do as a friend

Op what are you talking about?

Of course he's abusive, there's nothing hidden at all, you're just refusing to see it for what it is because of your own internalised misogyny.

He's literally watching his wife crumble because he values her less than his right to game/smoke weed/whatever. He's telling her she's worth nothing every time.

Wow cannot actually believe my eyes here. What a mess you have been dragged into OP, so sorry shes put you in this situation.

I think your assessment of the situation is bang on.

One scenario - her partner is abusive, possibly when the baby cries etc and thats why she doesnt want anyone talking to him or for him to know. However, if hes at work all day, why would she not want the baby with her during that time? Doesnt add up.

Second scenario - she has PND, which i think could be likely given she believes that the baby doesnt want to be at home (potentially related to abusive partner, if that is the case) but more likely if she is suffering from PND as she will believe baby doesnt like her, only cries because of that, she can't calm them down, happier with you etc. This is made worse by the fact she spends very little time with them, so they have no time to bond. The emotional state and web of lies could potentially be accounted for here as well.

Third scenario - she is having an affair. She wants baby out so she can pursue this while her husband isnt home. She doesnt want your DH talking to him to make him wonder what the hell shes doing all day otherwise, when they have a literal newborn at home.

Fourth scenario - she is a lying manipulator who takes advantage of those around her, and disguises it with smiles and thank yous and bottles of wine. Fobs her baby off on you 2 days a week for the entire time her husband is at work, so she can be ready and waiting at home with her baby to lead him to believe what a great mum she is. I cant help but think this is probable given her lying to you about her mum not having baby for long. This isnt to say she doesnt have PND alongside this, which it sounds like she might.

OP, you need to act in the best interest of the baby. That is who matters most. If I were you I would contact her HV and just say you have some concerns and share them with her. I think a conversation with her will give you the best insight as to what may be happening and the safest route to proceed going forward, for everyone.

Can't help but feel so sad for that poor little baby. I hope whatever is going on she is able to overcome it and ends up being a great mum to them. No baby deserves this.

Omg i feel for you. You have gradually become an unpaid childminder. Put a stop to it all - for whatever reason. She is taking the piss now

I sorry my finger slipped and I pressed the wrong vote button. You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Sorry to disappear, had the bedtimes to do myself! She has sent me another message asking if I can go round to her house in the morning, tomorrow is a day I should have been having her baby anyway so I don’t have plans and can go but I think I really need to spend some time trying to work out what to say and how to say it.

For those asking it probably comes as no surprise that the support doesn’t go both ways, she has never looked after mine although my youngest is breastfed and honestly having seen the way she feels recently I wouldn’t really want her looking after them all anyway.

My husband and I have been speaking about the whole thing, he is typically a better judge of character than I am and although he does agree she is struggling he doesn’t believe her partner is as useless as she says he is, they are in touch quite frequently (have been friends for years and now play together in a football thing on a weekend) and apparently he does often mention their son, talks about his sleep, maybe he is useless and does nothing but maybe not.

I will see her mum at the baby class later in the week so I think I’m going to try and speak to her then, as people here have said for all I know her mum might think she is the only support in the same way she’s telling me I’m the only support and his parents could be doing some time too. I don’t know how much her partner knows about it all either, I assume he knows I do the 2 days because my husband has said he’s mentioned before if I’ve taken them all out somewhere for the day but whether he is aware its a regular thing I honestly don’t know.

Whatever is going on she quite clearly does need support and real help, I do think it seems like she has PND but I’m not sure how much I or anyone can do if she isn’t prepared to seek proper support for that. I’m going to give the health visitor a call in the morning and just let her know I’m worried, it may be that actually someone “proper” reaching out to her might be enough for her to open up. I hope so.

Dear OP, from everything you’ve shared, you sound like a genuinely kind and generous person. The amount of support you’ve been giving, while also caring for your own two children, is remarkable.

Based on what you’ve described, I agree with the general consensus here: it does seem that your friend is taking advantage of you. Providing free childcare twice a week on an ongoing basis is a significant commitment, and if her mother is also helping two days a week, that means she has four days covered by others. That’s far more support than most parents receive.

It’s also concerning that she doesn’t want your husband speaking to hers. That kind of secrecy may suggest she isn’t being fully honest with the people in her life.

Of course, it’s possible she’s going through a difficult period and genuinely struggling. As a friend, offering emotional support, the occasional chat, or help with an appointment is kind and reasonable. But you are not responsible for managing her life, her childcare, or her relationship. She needs to take responsibility for her situation, ideally with the support of her partner and family.

I’m glad your husband is backing you up. Hold your boundaries, they are completely reasonable, and you’ve done nothing wrong. I hope you and your family continue to be well.

Take care.

Your own children are being deprived. Maybe think of it like that.

not a chance would I spend any of my energy on another person’s baby when I have my own. And yet you are. You’re being good for your friend but not your children

Good ideas here OP.
I would also speak to the health nurse like you suggested, obviously making it clear that she's not to be told you said anything. Maybe try and bring it up with her mother too? "I've noticed X seems very overwhelmed all the time/quite often. I hope she's ok?"

Hang on, @Cosmicpickle only knows what her friend has told her. We already know she’s lying about how much her mother does for her. We have no idea if her DH is actually abusive.

@Cosmicpickle you need to step well away from this situation. Step away and then step away some more. Your ‘friend’ is toxic and you don’t need anything to do with her.

Your husband needs to take the tack with her dh of being concerned about the pressure on you and therefore he is supporting you/insisting that it stops.
It could then perhaps come out that her dh has no idea and has been pulling his weight.
But this current setup is untenable and you have to put yourself and your own babies' needs first. Bet you wouldn't see her for dust if you ever needed her help back.

You really need to re-frame this OP. Your children are your priority. Are they getting the best of you in this whole shit show? No. She's grinding you down, taking time and energy from you. You have done more than anyone i know would.

I would not go there tomorrow. She'll turn on the waterworks and manipulate you.

Don’t go tomorrow. She will use the time to browbeat and guilt you into doing what she wants. Don’t fall for her tricks.

I think this is the best course of action you could take. Youre living the situation and can make the best determination. I think it does sound like PND, though what shes doing in her free time is what I dont understand. I think the HV approaching her about it would be the wake up call she desperately needs. If she refuses help, I would turn all focus on what is best for the baby and how to proceed there. You shouldn't have to parent her child for her, but im beginning to wonder if they would even be safe in her care full time at this point.

Go round to her house in the morning for what? For you to look after her child so that she can go to bed?

People who are enabled will forever be 'on the take'. My DMs neighbour is just like your friend except she's racked up 5 kids now. Still constantly begging for help and lifts off everyone.

Your friend's mother has likely been enabling her daughter, her whole life and now all of a sudden she's supposed to be thinking of someone else other than herself and she just can't handle it as she's been spoilt and immature her whole life.

As the mother of a very difficult baby , reflux, milk allergy, crying hard for hrs, terrible sleeper due to all that after a dreadful birth that gave me and my husband huge trauma, after being a steady happy person remember the dreadful baby blues that came with a vengeance, she needs to accept she has ppd AND that her husband is neglecting her hideously.

I couldn't hv got through that time with my none sleeping crying boy without my husband doing 50/50 on everything, night wakes included. As soon as he finished work he had the baby to give me a breather, he fid all housework for weeks as I'd had an emergency section.

We had moved so gad no family nearby to help so we pulled together. Your husband needs to essentially stage an intervention, why is she so scared for him to know how she's struggling?!? There's no such thing as free time when you hv a newborn. Her husband is working but so is she raising their child, I can't believe he thinks his time outside of work is free.

Don’t go round there @Cosmicpickle . You need to distance yourself completely, don’t dig yourself further into her toxic life.

You go round tomorrow and i bet she goes out .Leaving you looking after all the kids.

Totally disagree with this. Part of being a good parent is modelling love, care and community to your children.. right through childhood and beyond. Yes OP needs to protect her family’s wellbeing too, that is top priority and she is doing so. Has she deprived her own children by caring for a close friends baby while she is struggling (while also recognising the boundaries of the care she can provide realistically) absolutely not No.

Oh don’t be daft. Do you have children? My children especially when this age are concerned squarely with how I parent them.

She wants you to come tomorrow in the hopes that she can get her own way with more tears and guilt tripping. The only way I would go is if she agrees not to bring up looking after her baby when you are there because you need a break and the decision is final.

But honestly, I'd be tempted to tell her that you need some space and not go at all.

@Cosmicpickle if you decide to go tomorrow you need to tell her the simple truth. Which is that she's asking too much of you and it's worn you down. You will help out now and again for short periods e.g for her to visit GP, but not as a regular commitment.
And she needs to sort this out with her DH because you are not the baby's parent.
You are clearly a lovely kind person and a very capable mum. Your friend can learn from you if she has the motivation.

This is not your problem op

What’s worse is she refuses to seek help

If she needs a break advise her to hire a childminder a few afternoons a week

Stick to the line: Sorry I’ll be busy that day/maybe next time/sorry I’m knackered/ve got too much to do

Are you able to confirm who she’s meeting on Saturday night? I’m concerned that IF her partner is abusive and IF she is depressed and struggling to cope, she may be planning to run away or worse, and is trying to make sure her baby is in safe hands when she goes. You need professional help with this. You should contact the HV, her mum and her GP surgery.

Well done for how you’ve handled it today OP… it’s good that you were upfront - now you just have to stay firm.
Just remember that you have already gone so far above and beyond for her, so you have no need to even apologise for scaling it back now. I know it’s easy said than done, but try to be firm and clear in your next communication with her. Eg “I can’t do any more” (rather than “ I don’t think I can do any more”). I’m not very good at that, and I find that if I plan some of my sentences in advance it helps.

The less she does with her baby at this point (ie she’s not spending much time with baby at all), the less invested and involved she will be, so the less likely the baby will be to feel secure with her. So really, spending more time with her baby will actually help the ‘difficult-ness’ to improve.

I think you speaking to her mum would be a really good idea. I’m sure her mum will care about her daughter’s well-being in all this.

Don’t be afraid about going behind her back to talk to her mum (and maybe even to her husband), as you’ve all got her wellbeing at heart. Also, if she gets cross at being caught out in any lies that she’s told (and it sounds like she has been playing people against each other), then really she hasn’t got a leg to stand on as she shouldn’t have told those lies!