To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

I had awful PND with my first baby and would have been relieved to have palmed him off on any of my family or friends as much as possible. I didn't though, because I knew that wasn't responsible parenting and wouldn't be fair to them or the tiny baby who needed his mum. That didn't stop me mentally composing eBay listings for him, or accepting help if we had visitors who were happy to hold the baby and watch TV while I slept. I also went to my GP and begged for help, and took myself and DS to A&E when I got suicidal.

If your friend is suffering worse than I did and is actually at the stage of farming out her small baby, and refusing to go down the proper avenues for help, then please, please ring your HV. All that's happening at the moment is she's taking the P to avoid tackling the issues with her partner and her own mental health.

I don’t feel great about it all to be honest.

Please, please do not beat yourself up about this it is not your fault.

In your shoes I might be tempted to offer a week more of help if she goes to the GP, and if you can make it work, maybe you or her mum could go with her.

Being in floods of tears, not being able to cope etc is screaming post natal depression and I don't think that gets better on its own. She is doing herself, her baby and you a disservice by not getting this checked out.

She's taking you for a mug. Put a stop to it now. Tell her it's too much for you and you can't cope. The overnight thing is bloody cheeky!

Oh, i’ve now caught up with the thread.

What is happening here is, and im pretty sure of that, she goes round telling everyone how little help she gets from everyone so that they feel sorry for her and help out. Very manipulative.

You might find, that is why she panics at suggestion that your DH speaks to her P. He might learn that her partner does help, to a greater degree than you’ve been told.

Your DP could still have a word with him and find out a little more.

She has no issues with lying, as evidenced by lying about how much her mom helps. Does her mom know you look after her kid? Did you mention at all that you’ve been looking after him increasingly more? I bet she’s fed the same sob story about how much she is struggling and how nobody (including you) is helping🤨

She strikes me just the type to do that. Manipulative. Those tears might be just a performance and means to achieve what she wants.

Tell her curreny situation is putting strain on your relationship and this is where it ends.

I think she’s downplaying everybody’s involvement. I think her DH is doing more than she’s letting on, as is her Mum and as are you.

I can’t imagine asking a Mum of a two year old and four month old to babysit another four month old overnight. Maybe in an absolute emergency if my head was falling off, but so she can go out? No way!! Where is she going? No way.

I agree. She must be VERY well rested to even consider a night out with a non-sleeping 4 month old. It's not something me or any of the mums I know would have entertained, we were too tired.

I was about to say that. Some people find it very easy to turn on the waterworks and guilt trip. I’m not saying I don’t believe this mum but it’s very convenient it happens after your text was sent.

I had PND but didnt palm DC off on my friend also with a newborn!! Madness!! Do not entertain this further and push back, you need to
concentrate on your own children! She needs to go to the GP and talk to her family. She’s not a single mother with no one else to help. You are being a push over op, a nice one at that, but you need to nip this in the bud now.

Hmmm could she be having an affair and you’re the babysitter and her husband maybe doesn’t even know you have the baby?!! I think she’s manipulating you either way!!

It's hard to know with the bloke. My ex was abusive, I would be absolutely terrified of a friends H having words with him. 1. He'd probably kill me. 2. He would be so convincingly a good guy and say ho much he "helps" and how I lie about you that you'd hate me.

I remember once being on a live chat with womens aid trying to get a hostel space, and SIL harassing me over a travel system I'd given her MIL a year before, the she no longer needed , MIL had no issue with it being still at her house but SIL wanted me to collect it immediately and wouldn't wait or compromise so I told her to just fucking bin it, I had bigger problems. She knew about the abuse. A few days later we saw them at families house and she was telling ex all about how I said to bin it and what a waste of money, he hated me "wasting" money. I was utterly terrified of going home with him. I've never forgiven her. I'm not big on forgiveness though tbh. People forgive far too easily.

So no, don't speak to the bloke.

Do speak to the mum though. From a point of view of concern and if she could support her going to the gp.

Sometimes it feels like you're not getting any help when you're struggling so much. Maybe she really doesn't realise how long you and her mum have the baby for.

"his Mrs"?

HATE that.

Also, as we all know, parenting gets a lot harder in next 12 months. If she's not coping with a 4 month old, what the hell is she going to do in 6-12 months? She needs to figure it out really.

Good points about the night out. Who was she wanting to go out with? Not her partner as she said she couldn't leave the baby with them as they are useless but who does an overnight stay so early on and without a special reason (anniversary for example).

You could tell her contacting her GP doesn't automatically mean medication. I don't have PND but I'm with the perinatal mental health team for anxiety and depression and they have been amazing. They come round for a chat and help me process things and ask about things that are worrying me. I've had talking therapy as well and was offered medication although I refused it for now. They've given me lots of practical resources and groups to join, etc. If your friend really is struggling then it might really help her. If she is just taking advantage then I guess she won't want to though :/

This is perfect. Text her this.

At one point, I had 2 under 16 months and they were great, happy babies but it was still exhausting. You must be exhausted too and then she expects you to take on another 4 month old?! To be crying every week at this stage is not 'normal' behaviour so it does sound like she could have PND. But she needs to get help for it, not pawn her child off on you.

I don't think that's true. I found 0-8months the hardest of all parenting stages with DC1, literally wanted to kill myself. After that is was easy. Toddler stage was easy and great fun.

Not a chance. Start saying no and start today.

Speak to her mum! You know she is a safe, reliable person who is probably seeing the same as you. Team up. Thus isn't healthy for anyone. And yes, your friend will be annoyed but it's reached a point where she isn't helping herself abd she does need help.

Sorry but difficult baby or not, helpful partner or not, she is outsourcing caring for her child for 4 days a week to someone else. At 4 months old. That is not normal or within the scope of helping out to give her some rest/respite. Her partner should be giving her downtime when he is home. If she is not in a position to leave the child with their dad overnight (wtf?) at that age, she shouldn't be going out overnight unless for something important. Just for a night out is insane to ask - for a poor sleeping 4m old with 2 children of your own at home. Absolute madness and I can't believe the audacity. I don't know a single person who would look after a 4 month old overnight - my child's grandparents would not and did not.

You look after your friends child more than my own mother looks after mine 😯 you are a super friend but I think you can say no to the overnight and not feel bad about it. It is unfair, she’s putting off a conversation she needs to have with her man about his lack of support. If there’s a way you could say you think it would be too much then you should. You seem really nice and a great friend x

Sorry op but it’s not your job to step in to help you have given her 4 months already maybe she needs to bond with her dc seeing as she only covers 3 days herself. If she wants a break she could pay a nursery or child minder. Op also your husband could just say to hers look sorry if x feels let down that y can’t help anymore with the baby I get she’s finding it hard but y has to look after both our own dc she cannot take on the 3 of them especially overnight I just hope this doesn’t cause any bad feelings because we have done what we can for you both. That way there is no bad mouthing it’s just man to man saying sorry we can’t do more for you both.

Hi @Cosmicpickle I’m sorry, this all sounds very stressful for you both. I would definitely speak to the HV. She needs professional help and may be too unwell to reach out for it herself. But, even if it feels difficult, holding firm and getting her professional help will be the only thing that can help and move things forward in a positive way. Good luck.

I’m in shock you have been treated this way! With a toddler as well…

Its really difficult to see someone close struggle so much. Its also very difficult to help in a constructive way.

I have a sister who has been struggling, for 5 years. She isnt asking for help like your friend does, eventhough my mum and I look after the child a lot. She seems to be overwhelmed and in some sort of denial and taking it out on the child. I am suspecting some ND, both for myself and her but adults arent diagnosed here /and if wouldnt help with anything anyway./ I find it literally hearbreaking.

In your shoes I would try to get any outside help for her. She is likely ashamed that she is struggling and overwhelmed etc. She needs to address her mental health and get help with the baby so she can have space to recover. The hiding it all element isnt helping her at all, whatever it is she is trying to hide.

Fair enough (and grim, sorry), but you say up until 8 months so she still has months and months of hard work at least. I still think she needs to learn to manage by herself or get professional help.