To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

You are basically enabling her husband to continue doing fuck all.

She will have to address that with him sooner or later anyways, the sooner the better tbh.

You know how difficuly it can be with small babies, and so does she. You have 2, she only has 1. You want to be good friend and help but she doesn’t share that semtiment. She sees nothing wrong asking you to have hers on top of your own 2 so she can avoid having to address issues with he partner.

I can guarrantee that at this point she is not even grateful. By now she feels entitled to your help and is taking you for granted without second thoughts.

I havent RTFT but I can guarrantee that she will get cross with you when you finally say no (and you will at some point as she is taking the piss). How dare you, her free childcare on tap, refuse. I foresee this friendship not lasting long after you stand up for yourself.

Send her a text saying ‘i cannot continue with this arrangement, this is not working for me anymore. My 2 are a handful now and having another one to look after is just not doable at thr moment im affraid’. Amd repeat ad nausem. She’s a user so she will kick off but this friendship is doomed anyways, pretty much because she is a selfish pisstaker.

Her partner won't step up while you take the pressure off. Tell her if you can deal happily with three babies her husband can step up and parent his own regularly.

This is honestly one of the most insane situations I've read about on here.

I cannot believe you would agree to looking after someone else's baby when you have 2 under 2 yourself, and that she as a mother would even want someone to do this. Is she suffering with PND or something similar? Does she regret having a baby?

She is massively taking advantage of you, but maybe it's out of pure desperation on her part.

This is not a normal situation, but maybe she doesn't realise this as a FTM who's found someone willing to care for her baby for her.

I don't think mothers of 4mo babies should be expecting full days off or
a night off tbh! But maybe my view is skewed as I exclusively BF my babie so it wouldn't even cross my mind as an option to leave my 4mo for more than an hour tops.

You are all being played. She knows exactly what she is doing and coming over to see you face to face with the tears and the begging is her power move. Speak to her mum next time you see her - that should be very revealing.

You have given your friend far more support than anyone I know would have, and as a result she is pushing for more.

If she really still can't cope then she needs to make some changes in her own life - see the GP, speak to the health visitor, ask her husband to do more, pay a childminder..

She is more likely to do this if she's not leaving her baby with you at least 2 days a week.

You need to prioritise your own DC - your baby will be awake for longer periods, and need your attention, and your toddler needs you too!
Stick to what you said in your text - no to this weekend, and no to leaving her baby with you twice a week.

@Cosmicpickle tbh if you could manage I’d give her this one night out .
Tell her you can’t do the days through the week anymore and it’s time she spoke to her partner . He can leave and parent alone 50/50 , or his two days off . Or he steps up as a parent and partner .

She has a man and a mum helping. Also you . When does either of them Parent their own child .
You are a saint especially when you have your own young baby and a toddler.

Do you think she might be having an affair? She panicked when your husband suggested having a word with hers, and she’s downplaying how much time she’s away from her baby.

@Cosmicpickle honestly it sounds as if she just doesn't want to be a parent.
She has her baby 3 days a week and 2 of them are the weekend with her partner and now she's asking for a weekend overnight and provably lieing about the amount of help she's getting from her mum.
The refusal of practical help including visiting the gp or speaking to her partner is a screaming red flag that she's lieing about his help aswell.
You need to talk to her mum and partner about what's really going on because you can't trust anything she says and the convenient teary visits and texts designed to manipulate you into doing what she wants is not ok.
Please do speak to both her mum and partner otherwise things will continue to get worse not better

At this point you have to say no and if I were you id say that you do x club at pm with her mum every whatever day so you were confused to hear her mum only comes for an hour in the morning.

I agree and why does she want a whole night off where is she going and who with and where will her partner be unless hes working, unless baby is just not sleeping and she wants a night off but its ok for you to be up all.night!! I would get your hubby to banter with her hubby a bit along the lines of 'mate is the baby keeping you up at night its a nightmare isnt it" and see what he says

You and your husband have given loads of support. You cannot carry on if she refuses to look elsewhere for help.

Either she is stringing everyone along, or she is genuinely struggling, but in neither case should you feel bad about bringing this situation to an end.

FWIW I think your husband should try and sound out the partner and see if he can find out a bit more about what's going on.

You can't enable this. She's putting her baby off on others so much that her baby is going to develop attachment issues with the constant changing of caretakers and lack of routine and lack of bonding.

She needs professional support if it's PND and a wakeup call if she's being manipulative. Neither of those are being helped by you babysitting so much. It's taking away from your time with your baby and toddler. And she wants you to do overnights so she can go out. That's a big red flag there.

I have to ask, does she use street drugs?

Say no. Tell her you can no longer watch her child, it's detrimental to your family and you're really not doing her any favours if it is PND. If it's manipulation, no. She's lied about her mom having the baby. She might be lying about her husband.

If you know her mom, you might talk to her and tell her that she's leaving the baby with you all day two days a week, wants you to overnights, and that you can't continue.

You enabling her is taking you away from your family and that can't continue.

WTF….the father won’t look after his own child? How bizarre!!!!

TBH, the idea of going out on a Saturday night wasn't really happening when I had a four month old, so this is the bit I find weird. Frankly, if she's up to going out on what must be quite a large night if she wants the baby to stay with you overnight, she ought to be able to manage a bit better the rest of the time.

What an awful situation she had put you in. You’re right to be concerned.
speak to the health visitor.
can she pay for a ‘mothers help’/nannyfor a few weeks?

Make room for you and your kids, and your marriage. Tell her no and ask her if she has post natal depression.

Her partner is usefulss but you don't have to take up he slack!

Something isn't adding up here OP. I retract my earlier position of your DH not getting involved. There must be a way he can speak to her partner without revealing too much - in case DV is involved. It can be an innocuous enquiry into how he is finding fatherhood etc.

She is obviously struggling with something, but I know when I had a bout of PND I wasn't focused on self care and planning nights out.

In any case, she hasn't given a single thought to you in all this. I think the likelihood is that she is being very economical with the truth when it comes to the childcare and help she is receiving.

One way of looking at it is that by doing all this… you are depriving your own children of your attention. So if you can’t do it for yourself… look at them and hopefully that should galvanise you! No way would I be sacrificing time and energy for another child… when I could be directing it to my own very young children

She needs to speak to her HV and/or doctor, and her partner needs to pull his finger out. It may be tough but honestly I actually feel sorry for your children in this - they are entitled to your undivided attention and they're not getting it. She needs support, and support is available - she is choosing not to take it. Maybe her mum bailed out the arrangement because she realised that she was also being taken for granted and was enabling her daughters useless boyfriend.

It’s making me wonder what she wants to do all day 4 days a week. She could just be very depressed and want to sleep, or I’d be wondering about drinking or even drugs. Addicts do absolutely mad things and she’s being mad.

Perhaps your husband needs to suggest to the friends husband that they go for a walk with the babies, given the spring weather is improving.

This gives them a chance to chat and he can be careful what he says, but it'll help gauge what is going on at home, how comfortable the dad is with baby care etc. And it'll give the cheeky friend an hour or two to herself.

She sounds manipulative as hell. Becoming a mother does not make a woman a saint. She could very well just be lazy and/or not coping, and lying to everyone.

Frankly, if she wants full time childcare, she needs to go back to work. I went back to work at 6 months, still breastfeeding and pumping. Not out of choice and it was shit but totally doable.

But you have 2 under 2 and your duty is to them. You need to be the best mother to them. They deserve your love and attention and frankly, most of us here would not cope that well with 2 under 2 so you must be superwoman. Take care of yourself and your family.

She's pushed it too far by asking for the night out sleep over for the child. It's all the self care time she's carved out she's now well up for a night on the tiles. We can only presume she'll return the favour at some stage (Never).

Your DH should do some clever covert questioning of the other man to see whats going on in that house.

To be blunt she's a fucking cheeky bastard. Think of the effect on your own 2 children, they should be having your full attention, not being sidelined while you are having to tend to a cranky unsettled child that isnt even related to you!!

Prioritise your own children, and yourself, and tell the lying cow where to get off.
Speak to her mother as well in case she tries to palm the poor child off with her on the other 2 days that she cant be arsed to tend to her baby 😬

I'm glad you said no to the overnight.

You sound like you have been very supportive, listening to her, minding her child, offering to come with her to GP. For her to say "she just wants some support" is a bit shocking. I wonder what exactly she wants.
I do agree that your DH shouldn't be "having a word" to her partner about stepping up in case of an abusive or coercive situation. But if the DH is better than he sounds and she's downplaying, then he does really need to know what's going on.
If you see her mum at the baby class, can you speak to her?
Reassure your friend that you want to be her friend and support her, but that this means spending time with her and the odd childcare favour, not regular full days and not overnights.
If she's offering to pay, would she consider a "mother's help" someone who comes to her home while she's there and acts as a 2nd pair of hands?
I would gently keep pushing the health visitor/GP route too.
If your DH's are good friends then could your DH try a gentle "how are you finding first time fatherhood, it was a bit of a shock to the system, sleepless nights are tough" conversation over a pint?