To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

This is one of the most bonkers things I've ever read on here. And maybe I'm mean, but I don't feel sorry for someone that's taking advantage of you so much.

If she's struggling, she must still realise that she has one child, you have two, so if she is tired, you must be even more so. Even with an 'easier' baby you have a lot more to juggle than her. She must realise this.

I was struggling with my baby when he was a similar age, he was horrendous, never slept for more than 30 min stretches and was the grumpiest baby ever! My DM constantly told me how we were never like that, MIL had 8 kids and said she wouldn’t have had more than one if the first had been like DS!
My mum came once a week and I managed to get him into the nursery we had booked to start later in the year one day a week from 14 weeks. Nursery were a god send, I dropped him off at about 9, went back and BF him at lunch and they gave him an expressed bottle mid afternoon. They took such good care of him, the ladies loved having a little baby to care for and he got so much attention with staff popping in to see him on their breaks. We were lucky though as it was pre-funded hours so the baby room had 3 staff and only 4 under 2s on a Friday (inc DS) so he had almost 121 care.
I guess what I’m saying is, help can be from other sources, can she get a mothers help, cleaner, nursery spot if she’s struggling?

If she has the money to pay you then she has the money to pay for a mother’s help, postnatal doula, or a nanny. This would be a much better option as it would be paid help that nobody was being emotionally blackmailed into.

i felt very alone when i had DC1 so i got a postnatal doula for a couple of months. She was amazing and actually gave me so much confidence to take care of my child in a way that a friend helping out could never have done in the same way.

You have been incredibly kind. However - your friend is still struggling and she is not learning to manage and cope while she has all this (possibly hidden ) help. Long term she needs to be able to cope and look after her baby herself - so the best thing is to support her to find help to enable her to do this and not by continuing to step in and ‘give her a break’. I would speak to the HV - you don’t have to use names if you don’t want to- but you are clearly approaching from a place of care and concern so the HV will listen and hopefully be able to advise.
Bit of a case of ‘tough love’ now while there will be help available for your friend if it is PND rather than leaving it too long.
You are an amazing human 💐

I just read the updates. You are a very nice person but her family has to help her through this. Hell, I'd love more time to take care of myself and my kids are grown. I had 5 under 4 yo and somehow my DH and I made it through. We had no help because we were new to the country. Please don't get sucked into this. keep reiterating that you will go with her to the GP. Oh, and clearly she is afraid her husband will find out the schedule she has been keeping.

she insists that doesn’t really help because she needs the time to sleep, rest and take care of herself.

Woah - and when the hell does she think you're getting to do this with 3 tiny DC to look after, one of them hers?? And the offer of money - as if it's about that! Honestly thinking after your update that there's more to this, with the lies and not wanting her DP to know what's going on. Seems like she's up to something else while you and DM are looking after her DC and she doesn't want to be found out. Very much doesn't sound like she actually needs to sleep, not for all that time and what new mother does get all that time without paying for a nanny?

It's madness that she thinks the answer is to pay you - you're looking after your own two 2 DC!!! What planet is she on to think that you want to look after hers as well while she does who knows what?! Well done for sticking to your guns and not giving in, because there's more to this and I'm doubting it's PND now. Don't think abusive partner fits the bill either because why would that result in the lie about her mum? Agree she's probably lying about all your help too. Oof, sorry you're having to deal with this OP. Whatever you do and however good a friend you strive to be, don't let her drama blight this precious time with your DC.

What she's conveniently forgetting is you're a mother of young DC too and have very real needs and responsibilities. You've already done way more than enough.

I think your best action now is silence, sounds like your friend has gotten herself into a corner and as much as you want to help you are not responsible for her or her mental health. If she texts again or turns up then blame your own capacity:
With two little ones so close in age, my hands are completely full. I won’t be able to help with the baby going forward. I hope you understand - it’s too much for me.
And then keep repeating the message. It’s hard but you must prioritise your own family.
I agree speaking to her Mum might be an idea if you can.

Yes you must speak to the health visitor and no dont start looking after her baby again infact i think you need to step back totally, just say your kids are ill and you cant help, weve all been there but she needs to learn to cope, she also needs to speak to DR but i assume health visitor can help with this

You've been really lovely OP, but it's time for her to accept that she needs more specialist help than you can provide. She needs to see her GP and get a referral to the post natal health team.

I’m thinking that it might be worth contacting the local authority safeguarding team (you can report anonymously online usually) saying you’re worried that she is not coping, refusing to see doctor and there’s a concern about the domestic abuse. Someone qualified and able to help professionally can then assess what to do.

She lied about how much her mother was helping her. It looks like she's fobbed the baby off 4 days a week. I think she's a CF. You agreed to a morning and she's increased it to a full day.

She's trying to save money by using you instead of paying a mother's helper. If she's that unable to manage she needs to seek help from her GP or HV.

You've been manipulated.

@Cosmicpickle

I think you sound very nice and caring and your concern for her wellbeing is generous and kind.

However you really need to nip this in the bud ASAP especially before the babies get mobile!

You are enabling her DH to duck his responsibilities which is not good for their family in any way.

I note she doesn't want to talk to him
about his uselessness - which means their relationship will remain inequitable (shored up by you) and she may not get the help she needs (because you are filling the gap).

There is also the angle that she just does see you as a soft touch. To know whether she is a real friend, as opposed to just a blatant user, you really need to stop this now.

By breaking this unhealthy dynamic, all the relationships will be strengthened - useless husband has to buck up / she has to seek proper help and you find out if your friendship is actually a real one.

”Hi friend - I’ve helped you as much as I can but the current arrangement no longer works for me as I need to focus on my 2. Going forward I won’t
be able to mind your baby anymore.”

Definitely not unreasonable, completely unfair of her to pressure you like this because her DH is a useless a-hole. Also wrong of her to be this cheeky after you have been so kind to her.

So when’s your time to sleep and rest and take care of yourself? She can’t cope with her baby but thinks that you can-and with your baby and toddler in tow as well?

don’t tell her, but maybe when you see her mum next-ask her how much she’s doing and whether she is enjoying all the time with her grandson? If she’s doing 2 days and you are as well, he’s seeing his mum less than everyone else. That’s not so great for bonding and attachment.

can you speak to your health visitor? Get them to review?

So you would be caring for 3 children under 2 for days at a time, as your friend says she’s “tired”?? Impacting on yourself, your children and your husband? Spoiler: most parents of young children are tired. What was she expecting really?! It’s one child and she’s on maternity leave, this is the very beginning of parenting challenges. Wait until she doesn’t get to go to sleep until 440am and then has to go to work all day!

As this thread is unfolding then l am wondering if the partner is as hopeless as she makes out. Or if she’s just offloading the child rearing onto everyone else. Despite the facts it’s her child and she is on maternity leave

Having seen her update, I actually think it’s worth speaking to her mum to find out the truth.
i personally think she’s unbelievably cheeky. I feel awful for you, but you really need to say no more xx

This is hard but this isn’t your responsibility and by giving in you enable her not to change anything.

You have to wonder if there is something else going on. Unless you get abusive vibes from her husband it could be she needs her baby looked after for an entire working day and Saturday night as she is meeting someone else

A couple of thoughts:

Your DH doesn’t need to say anything at all about her DH doing more, all he needs to say is that his DW seems to be finding it so hard because of the time the baby spends with you, and is she OK? Does she need help?”

And I would tell her Mum how worried you are, but ask her to keep it confidential that you said that. But her Mum probably doesn’t know how much you have had her baby.

And yes, I would tell the HV.

She seems really unwell and unable to cope.

And the answer isn’t that you keep caring for her baby along with your own

I would speak to her mother and let her know how much you have been looking after the baby which can’t keep happening and also tell her mum what she said about her only doing an hour each morning which you can’t believe to be true as you have seen her out with the baby in the afternoon. Tell her mum that you believe she should see the GP which she is refusing to do and tell her mum that she has begged you not to mention it to her husband which has made you feel concerned. You have done a lot for her but you should not keep going with it, that poor little baby needs its own mother to bond with and be with.

If she wants to pay you then she can pay a nanny /maternity practitioner to come in and help her

maybe say to mum friend is lucky to have her , your mum is far away etc and how long is she there helping /looking after her gran child

you have enough on your plate so if she is that stressed she needs to talk to doctor

was baby planned ?

I get it baby has reflux colic cmpa etc and hard to settle /sleep it’s tiring so even more reason to pay for help

Mmm... I would still get your DP to see hers and see whats going on...

Either he is an arsehole and not pulling his weight or.. he IS and she is lying about that in the same way she is lying about how much her Mum does and her panic at the idea of your fella talking to hers, is that that lie will be revealed.

I think you're right on the nail with PND and speaking to the health visitor is probably the way forward, as well as encouraging her to see her GP. Ultimately, raising her child part time is NOT your job, but as her friend, pushing her to get help and alert the right people to the fact she needs help, broadly is.

The husband may have no idea the child is being farmed out 4 days per week. You're doing the right thing stepping back, if she keeps pushing ask her when are you supposed to get your "me time" away from your own very small children? She literally has 1 very small child to parent.

If she’s fibbed to you about how much/little her mum does she’s probably lying about the partner, too. It is hard with a tiny baby, but you can’t just palm them off (actual medical issues aside). Maybe get your DH to talk to the partner about the GP visit. Stay strong OP, next time she turns the sobs on join in and say yours is going through a sleepless phase.

Is she having an affair?