To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

YANBU. It’s not fair to you or either of your children. She needs to learn to get into a routine or ask for help. That maybe sounds harsh, but it’s what every new mum has to do, no mater how “difficult” their baby is.

I definitely think you need to highlight it to the health visitor Your friend isn’t coping, and needs help. She shouldn’t be palming her baby off onto you or her mum. You wouldn’t be overstepping the mark by doing this. It’s a safeguarding issue for both the child and the mum.

Well done OP you are a kind person but she needs to learn to parent her baby herself or seek some professional help and support. It’s not fair on you your children and indeed her and her baby. You are doing the right thing holding firm and I think I would let her health visitor know. She can decide what to do with that information. Please try not to be guilted into changing your mind it won’t help anyone in the long run.💐

Where the fuck is the partner in this. Sorry he is a lazy bastard. It is not your job to babysit his kid when he is at home doing fuck all. Another fucking piss taker. Point this out to her as well.

If OP has known her for years and she has always been lovely I'd wager that OP can likely make a good assessment of whether she's genuinely stressed. You'd have to be an extremely proficient actor to convincingly pull it off otherwise. Doesn't sound like it's a quick bout of the waterworks when required. She genuinely sounds like she's struggling.

Not saying it's OP's problem but framing the friend as vindictive and trying to stir things up isn't helpful IMO.

I call women like her tiny tears -
don’t give you will be looking after this & the next one that comes along until they are adults.
do speak to her mother about your concerns - but stand firm

I don't think she wants her partner to know how much help she is getting. She may not be telling him. As you said, she even tried to downplay her mum's involvement to you...

You are right to not offer more help. Nothing is going to change in three weeks time. I think you should reply to her texts quite firmly. 'No. I can't do that, I don't have the capacity for it and the emotional pressure to commit to something I can't do is not fair. Please stop asking."

I also think you should gently press her on why she won't see a GP and why she won't let your H speak to her DH. If it IS because he doesn't know how much she has been leaning on others, you could (if you felt inclined) get your DH to not be specific about that, but instead approach from a place of care: "Me and Cosmic are concerned that XXX is struggling. I know Cosmic has had the baby to help a few times, but she seems to need more support than that." or however he would say it.

This cannot be real. If it is, you really need to grow a backbone. Is she paying you? Not that it makes any difference. Tell her there will be no more watching the child. You're done. Maybe if she is still struggling her mum can come more.

She is taking a major piss.

She’s taking the piss. Her partner isn’t the total arse she’s making him out to be and she doesn’t want anyone to realise she’s playing Peter off against Paul.

I would gently suggest to her that she checks with her Gp whether she might have PND, she needs help and support but with the best will in the world Op you cannot keep this up. The best way to support her is to support her to get some sustainable help. You are an amazing friend btw 💐

It makes me wonder if shes working on those days?

I know! I’d have laughed!

You are absolutely mental. No way would I have taken care of another person’s newborn while on maternity leave. Not even once.

What if something happened?

Text her back and say ‘get some professional support, talk to the health visitor or ask your gp for help’ and stop immediately and do not ever ever mind her baby ever again. Ever.

We only have this women's word for it, she doesn't want the OPs husband to talk to him which may be because he is abusive OR maybe he is actually very hands on and it isn't the case he sees time as his own and rather when he gets home from work the friend gives him the baby saying she has had a hard day and it's now his turn, therefore she doesn't want him knowing that she is getting a lot of external help.

It sounds like she needs help and I think raising it with the HV is the way forward and addressing it as a safeguarding issue.

She is being a pisstaker.

I’m a single parent and had 2 under 2 (both high needs). I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking a friend to help out like that. Nevermind if I had a partner.

I imagine you’re not getting overnight help so you can enjoy a night out? Looking after two 4 month olds and a toddler at the same time sounds like hell and barely possible.

Just be firm and tell her you can’t accommodate any further help. Lie if needs be and say your baby is becoming restless and not sleeping well on a night.

This needs to blow up (it’s not your fault) and you need to stop covering for her.

I’m so sorry she turned up at your home, how difficult for you. I’m glad your DH is supportive of you. Together you need to stay strong and stick to no longer having her baby. Quite honestly it wouldn’t be in anyone’s best interests to keep helping her. You need to concentrate on your own family and she needs to concentrate on her family.

Text her again and tell her to ask for help from the GP or the HV and then step away. I definitely wouldn’t involve yourself any further by talking to the HV or her mum. Completely distance yourself and enjoy being a mum to your two DC.

If she’s willing to pay you could she simply pay an actual childcare service? 4 months is early but it’s at least worth trying to find someone. If she could find full time she could get back to work, which might suit better if she’s struggling with the baby.

Likely doesn’t solve the underlying problem but gives her the space she needs.

I think your offer to go there so she can shower etc then do something all together is really kind and ought to help a lot. I’m surprised she hasn’t accepted that and agree it suggests something much deeper than the usual baby challenges. If she won’t tell you what’s really going on and won’t visit the gp or do anything to actually help herself there’s not much you can do right now. I’d just keep reiterating what you can offer sustainably and keeps saying that you’re there for her when she’s ready to talk about it properly.

Be very mindful about going over to her house to support, OP. I had a “friend”
who would invite me over for play dates, and disappear to do her own thing elsewhere in the house (batch cooking in the kitchen, eg), leaving me with 4 kids to watch—my infant & toddler, plus her infant & toddler. She also did similar at park play dates—leave her toddler in the swing next to me, so I had both toddlers and my own baby, whilst she was relaxing on a picnic blanket and having a chat with someone else. Needless to say, we aren’t friends anymore.

She really doesn't see anything wrong with begging someone who has 2 kids to look after her 1 kid so she can rest and go out on the piss?

Absolute chancer. She's no friend.

The lying about her dm is a red flag. She's playing you.
She may be regretting being a dm but bit late now.
I don't think mentioning it to HV will make it a safeguarding concern? Might be am idea? I wouldn't tell her own dm though. That could escalate?

OP well done on being able to manage 3 under 2 by yourself. 👏🏼 And an even bigger well done for setting healthy boundaries. That's not sustainable for you, and you deserve to enjoy your small baby stage yourself. Out of curiosity, has she ever asked how you're finding things, or if you'd like a break in turn?

I think both you & your partner are very sensible thinking of potential DV, since it often starts after a baby. If it's such a small town though, can you contact her mum? If she's been around yours in tears, it sounds like she's in crisis. I wouldn't wait until next time you run in to her mum at a class, I'd pop around or ring her.

Very few new mums want to spend 4 entire days a week away from their baby, I would really worry for her. It sounds like she's had trouble bonding, or doubts her own abilities as a mother. Post natal health can slip so quickly and so drastically, I really would urge you to contact someone to help her asap.

Please be strong, for her sake as well as yours. She’ll never learn how to cope and nor will her dp. The baby is 4 months old and probably wants his mum, hence why he’s unsettled, being looked after by you, her mum. Poorliitle dab!

I think it would be great if you could have a very discreet word with the health visitor. You can’t cave, if she tries to leave the baby with you tomorrow, you really must be firm, make sure she knows you mean business and sit her down to make an appointment with her gp/health visitor. Be strong!

Mmmm well either your friend's partner is helping her more than she's letting on or he's abusive. The fact you know that your friend's Mum is helping more than an hour in the morning, because you've seen her at baby group, says that your friend is lying.

From what you've said, I think your friend is suffering from PND. She doesn't want to look after her own baby, and is trying desperately to palm him off to you. The comments that her son 'prefers being at yours' and 'doesn't like being at home', to me definitely seem irrational.

Could you speak to your friend's Mum, when you see her? Tell her about the help you've been giving and the fact she's saying her partner isn't helping her. Make her aware that you believe she's possibly suffering from PND.

You could also speak to her HV. Tell her your concerns, and the fact you can't persuade her to seek medical advice.

Unfortunately, you can't make your friend see her GP, no more than you can make her speak to her partner (if indeed he is a useless arse).

Don't back down though OP. I know it's hard, because you know she's struggling, but long-term you aren't helping her.

Well. We all need space rest and to be able to just be…

but she’s got a baby….you all know you lose that a little with a baby. It comes back…