To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

@Cosmicpickle you sound a lovely friend but at this stage it's stopped being helpful to her.

You propping her up isn't helping her to learn how to cope. Perhaps you could do some sort of transition with you both spending the morning together and helping her with routine etc.

I'd be really worried she isn't bonding properly and you are enabling this to continue rather than her seeking the help she really needs. That's not good for her or her child in the long run.

You aren't letting her down to point this out as gently as possible. She needs to go to her GP because she's clearly not herself - and that needs addressing. You almost have to be cruel to be kind here.

But appreciate it's not an easy conversation to have. I think she'll need a lot of reassurance that you care about her and that she's a good mum (I suspect she has a lot of issues around this whatever she's trying to convince you or herself).

It sounds like she is struggling but it also sounds like she only has her baby 3 days a week and other people do the rest for free. Is she really sleeping and catching up for all that time? If things really are that bad and she can’t cope then her husband needs a kick up the backside rather than a few gentle words from your husband. He either needs to step up or pay out for some help.

"She begged my husband not to say anything to him as she didn’t want him knowing she was talking about him"

It would be very simple for your husband to make no mention of her whatsoever when he talks to UselessGitHusband.

'UselessGitHusband, my wife has been helping your wife out with your baby, and frankly she wouldn't have to if you were pulling your weight as a father. Your wife is clearly overwhelmed with the work a new baby brings, so why aren't you sharing the load? Right now she needs support, and my wife has been providing that support but it's YOUR job and I'm sick of seeing my wife run ragged shouldering YOUR responsibilities. Get your finger out!'

All your husband has to do is talk about you, your time, your efforts, your/his children and to draw comparisons between what he himself does as a father and what her partner isn't doing. He doesn't have to mention your friend at all.

You definitely aren't being awful. Assuming she's genuinely struggling and not just turning on the tears, she needs to find ways to cope (GP, HV, having a real go at her waste of space partner) that don't rely on you so much.

I think your husband cspaking to her partner is a good idea. he can make it seem like his own idea i.e. worried about the effect on you as your husband e.g. "listen mate, you need to step up and help {name} as the mother of your baby more. CosmicPickle is being a great friend to her but she's got our 2 young kids to look after. Why can't you look after your own baby more ? I did and do now, so CosmicPickle can get some sleep/time out/see friends."

You are definitely doing way too much and it isn't like she doesn't get a break at all since her mum is helping a few days a week which is more than a lot of people get.

I'm not sure about involving your DH to have a word with hers. I doubt it will end well and it may mean causing a lot of trouble for your friend. It's unlikely to work anyway, I imagine he will either go on the defensive or just blame your friend but ultimately, nothing will change.

You are definitely not unreasonable and I am glad you have sent a message to make it clearer. It isn't fair on you.

I appreciate she is having a hard time and her partner is less than helpful but it can't be your responsibility either.

I think it is cheeky to ask for this amount but especially to go out on a Saturday night, and whilst I am absolutely not saying a Mum shouldn't have a night out, if she is struggling to the extent it seems - a restful night is the priority not going out.

I struggled a lot with my second to the extent I did end up in an MBU but I only ever asked a friend once to have my baby, my friend also had her own baby and older child. I was absolutely desperate and I know it was the right thing to ask on the one occasion but I would never have dreamed of asking her so I could go out and have a nice night out etc.

I do hope your friend will reach out to the GP though and take you up on the offer of going with her as it definitely sounds like she is having a rough time of it, not helped by her partner but GP can at least get her in touch with perinatal mental health team if needed. Depending where you are, things like Homestart as well so she can have someone visit her at home and give support but with baby there too.

Not going to lie having twins is tough. To be honest like a lot of parents of multiples, l think having a singleton looks quite easy in comparison. So logically if she is massively struggling with 1 baby, then why are you fine in her eyes to have 2 babies and a toddler?! She needs to become independent, rather than leaning on you and her mother. Plus the dad needs to do his share

She's taking the piss.

Why though? She has a husband, the father of her child, who isn't working as and can look after his own son overnight while his wife enjoys a night out!

You sound like a lovely friend OP, me and my own friends would do the same for each other during difficult times and I’m sure your support has been incredibly valuable.
its also good that you are putting some boundaries in place for your own wellbeing and essentially in the long run your friends also.
i hope she accesses the support she needs to move forward as a mother (no hate or comparison needed, everyone’s experience is different) x

You know I was actually wondering if the dad is as useless as she's saying. Does he know that OP is having the baby 2 days a week? I was picturing OP DH ripping him a new one and him having no clue.

OP have you actually seen that the DP is shit? I know I'm probably wrong but her reaction to your suggestion of your DH saying anything at all did get me thinking.

looking after her DC 2days a week is too much especially as you have two under 2, but asking you to have DC overnight when her DH is at home is an absolute piss take. Her DH needs more than a kick up the arse. I’m absolutely gob smacked

Wow. This has to be the best CF thread on here. I was your friend, OP, I had a reflux baby who almost had bottle aversion. You’ve been a FANTASTIC friend, but please, stop. This is ridiculous!

I also wondered this. Is her partner aware that mum helps two days, then friend another 2.
Do we also know for sure he is useless or whether this is her perception? She says he wouldn't look after the child alone over night, but it sounds like she also doesn't like looking after the baby either.

How is her mum a bad guy in all this?!

I think you have gone over and above what most people would have done, hopefully her partner will now step up and do his share x

I’d be very tempted to go over and give the useless fuckwit of a Dad both barrels honestly.

OP has said he won't do it. He should, but he won't. I wouldn't refuse to help a friend on the basis someone else should do it. It's kicking someone whilst they're down, as if it isn't bad enough for them to have a baby with someone and find they're useless, there's no need for a friend to stick the boot in and say they won't help either because the dad won't do it. By all means don't do it if you don't want to, but using that as the reasoning isn't fair on the mother.

Placemarking to find out how it goes. Be strong OP you’re doing way too much!

She's completely taking the piss. I had 2 under 2 and would have said sorry but no if she'd have even asked me to take them for a couple of mornings. Your hands are full. Also don't be complicit in letting her partner get away with being so crap. He needs to step up, doubt he will though.

Your DH doesn’t need to mention that you were talking about him. Just approach it like “I noticed we’ve been having your baby more often - is everything ok at home? Are you helping?” Etc etc

The audacity of this woman is incredible. She’s only looking after her kid for 3 full days a week and I assume she doesn’t work. She’s playing everyone for a fool. It’s no one else’s fault her partner is a selfish prick

C’mon you know the answer. It’s a lot of responsibility to look after someone else’s baby. Sometimes I wonder if MN marketing are here making stuff up for traffic.

Why facilitate and enable him though? As a matter of principle then l wouldn’t be doing this. Not great his wife sucks it up, zero chance l would! In effect she’s making her friend and mother suck it up as she’s outsourcing his contribution to nearby females

I see why you might say that. But the sky is the limit for other people’s entitlement and laziness…