Don't Want to use Voucher on 2nd Friend

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I know this sounds petty but I can't help how I feel.

I have a voucher for a really nice restaurant. I asked a good friend of mine to go to this restaurant tomorrow and mentioned i had a voucher we could use. She said great.

She has since messaged me to say she has invited another friend.

I have noticed in the past that when the 3 of us are together that I can be sidelined and ignored. I dont think its intentional but i decided I would stay away from get-togethers with the 3 of us.

This is the petty part. I didnt mind using the voucher on the first friend as she is a good friend. The second lady she invited has been stingy with me in the past and is self absorbed. I dont want to use my voucher on her. Not because of the cash but on principle.

They now know I have this voucher...but I never offered to use it on 2nd friend. How do I get out of this without making things awkward? I can't leave the 3rd lady out but I equally dont want to use it on her.

You need to suck it up. Cancelling third friend could back fire and you could be the one left out in future .

The voucher's a bit of a red herring here. The real problem is that you don't enjoy get-togethers when the first and second friend are both present. So cancelling is the way to go.

"Sucking it up" is not an option. There's no point going out for a nice meal unless she's going to enjoy herself, and she won't if it means all three of them present and her being sidelined again.

I agree that this would be the best approach. But might not go down well with your good friend.

The real problem here, though, is that your friend feels free to invite her other friend along to things without checking with you whether or not that is OK with you.

I really feel for you. I was in this dynamic for 20 years, where a good friend would want to invite (a similarly stingy, never invited me to anything in return, person) her good friend to most things we organised. Like your situation, she never got how I didn't really like this third wheel.

It is a really hard dynamic to break; and in my case only got broken when the stingy person moved to a different city and got stroppy with our mutual friend for wanting to arrange visits to her that included me.

Minor clarification and typos

Very cheeky of 1st friend to invite the other without checking with you

I would tell her that you were looking forward to a catch up just the two of you. If you are up for a lunch for 3 then go but you don't need to. You could just say let's reschedule for the two of us another time so we can use that voucher.

You said the original invitee is a good friend. What you said here is a perfectly fine - simple, clear and non-aggressive - thing to say to her :

I have noticed in the past that when the 3 of us are together that I can be sidelined and ignored. I dont think its intentional but i decided I would stay away from get-togethers with the 3 of us.

That is an elegant way of phrasing it, and not at all rude. Your good friend was the rude one for inviting someone else to come and have a meal subsidised by you - she should not have done that!

Time to tell her. Cancel the dinner and tell her you're not keen on socialising with other woman. Suggest you reschedule for another time.

Save the voucher (as long as it doesn't expire) and tell your friend that you only want to spend time with her not the other friend. She really should not just invited her along.

Maybe 3rd person pushed in on hearing kf the voucher and 2nd person couldnt refuse ....opportunist.
Oh silly me I forgot the voucher

I have a question. If someone is truly a friend, why can’t we be honest?

id never fake illness with someone who I consider a friend, this is reserved for horrible bosses and casual dates I never want to see again.

friendship, to me, equals the ability to be your true self. This includes saying ‘I’m sorry but I find Carol annoying for xyz reasons, can’t it just be the 2 of us?’ Or even ‘I wanted to talk to you about something privately’

Good point.

Problem is this doesn’t address the fact you don’t want to socialise with the two of them. Personally I wouldn’t lie or fake excuses; ‘The voucher won’t stretch to three so if x is coming you two go ahead and we can book for a different date (then suggest some)

Say you will user the voucher with her another time as it won’t cover three people. But it does defeat the point of going because you wanted to use the voucher for this meal, and you wanted to see her not this extra friend. So you will be paying for an experience you don’t really want. I think cancelling every time this friend comes along will become obvious and you’ll be seen as flaky. So I would go to this meal and at some point before or after message “shall we get something in the diary for just us two?” And then she won’t invite other people and will perhaps get the hint

I messaged to say that voucher wouldn't cover the 3 of us, and we'd use it another day. She then said that other lady can't make it. So its all good.

I think it boils down to disapointment I feel in the moment when being excluded...although I think they're oblivious to how I feel. And I was looking forward to a catch up with friend 1, and not feeling like a spare wheel.

Thank you for advice. I'm glad I took a stand in my own way. I'm looking forward to the get together now.

I think this is much more about the voucher to you than it is to her. The meet up was organised pre voucher being mentioned. If you have never let on that you don’t like the other person’s company, and haven’t specifically said you’d like to see her 1-1, she’s done nothing wrong by inviting her and I’m sure neither of them expects her to use your voucher! It seems like you have got fixated on the voucher because you want a reason to say you’d rather the other person doesn’t come.

The other person is the least in the wrong here. She’s been invited and may accept. She’s not found out about this wonderful voucher and decided to try to con her way into it.

You can’t blame your friend for you failing to have ever told her that you don’t actually like this other friend…

I think it’s a good opportunity to subtly tell your friend that you’re not overly keen on other person. “I will save my voucher for another time as I wanted it to be our treat and it won’t stretch to three.” I certainly wouldn’t be subsidising someone you don’t like and if friend comes back and suggests you can split between the three of you I would keep saying you would rather just the two of you use the voucher.

I might say -‘ I’m not going to use the voucher this time as it won’t cover (thirdperson) and I don’t want any awkwardness so we can go somewhere different if you prefer. ‘

It makes it quite clear that inviting the third person changes the circumstances for using voucher and your friend will realise she’s shot herself in the foot for inviting the 3rd person.

I wouldn't pretend to forget it because they can probably look it up by who bought it and get around it that way.

Get there.
'oh no I left the voucher at home. Nevermind we're here now so let have a lovely time and then there's an excuse to come back!'
Then it's before they order so you aren't dropping them in it and you don't have to pay. You could even add 'i don't mind if we just have pudding if it's too much of a stretch but I'm afraid I don't have time to go back and get it'
(Leave your phone at home if it's digital)

Cancel and don't take either of them. How dare the first friend invite the second without asking you? I hate people like that.

All's well that ends well.

“Oh, I didn’t realise you were planning to see Sarah that night. You two go ahead, and I’ll catch up with you another time”.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. If a friend invites you for dinner, they are just inviting you.

You do not invite someone else without asking your friend if it’s ok first.

This is basic etiquette.