Is this what I asked for??

[ClownsDontHaveNipples]

Ok, so it actually is what I asked for, but bloody hell, use your common sense!

My child (7) decided he'd rather spend the day with my parents than me, fine. No problem with this, he probably spends 40% of his time there anyway, they have very few rules/boundaries, can't blame him.

So, knowing this, all I asked for for Mother's Day was a child-free day. Not a cleaning-free day, not a cooking-free day, just a day without children, just us.

And yet, up he rocked, with his son (17!!), to play his PlayStation (in our bedroom).

If I'm not spending Mother's Day with my own child, I sure as hell don't want to spend it with an almost-adult.

Just one day. That's all I asked for.

And now, because I mumbled something to myself (and he overheard), he's packed up and fucked off.

Give me all you've got, I've got my big girl pants on.

You have a problem with everyone. Including your seven year old child. What on earth?
you’re the problem!!!!

So one of the children in this scenario got to spend the day with a parent. Your stepson. You seem to be embroiled in a very complex setup here, and the children involved have ended up with a raw deal. So if your DP had a nice day with his son, that sounds like a good thing. What was he supposed to do? Tell his son he wasn’t welcome in his dad’s home? YABU.

I have no problem with my child!

I have a problem with my alcoholic mother who tried to kill herself when I was a young adult, but yet, I give her her dues that she is an amazing nana that dotes on my son.

I have a problem with his dad, who doesn't work and pays me £5 a week when he remembers.

I found all your posts easy to understand, OP. I'm sorry your partner couldn't be bothered with you when you'd asked to spend the day as a couple.

My suggestion, as far as practicable, is to lose the partner and invite your Dad round more often.

But he’s 7! Surely he doesn’t get to just decide where he goes?

Things I don’t understand are: why you keep the useless unemployed man around, and why you let your child spend 1/3 of their time with your parents?!! My child has two lovely sets of grandparents but of course they dont spend anywhere near 1/3 if their time with the two sets combined, because it’s my child?
id kick the ‘partner’ out and cut the parents back and reestablish life with my child, who is at risk of pushing you away because he’s 7 and doesn’t understand that good parenting and love is boundaries and vegetables.

My 7yo also does not get to decide where he spends his time.

It's hard to understand why she gets to decide what everyone else does.
She planned a day....he had other plans, clearly. Why would hers win?

Yeah, but Mother's Day is supposed to be about celebrating your mother. A kid who's been forced to spend the day with her instead of his indulgent grandparents isn't likely to be celebrating.

I reckon it's reasonable to want to take the opportunity for a chilled-out Sunday with her partner. Except the partner doesn't want the day with her, either! Poor OP.

Partner has to go, imo. Find ways to build more of a family feel at home with DS.

Unfortunately, the "useless, unemployed" man is his father. He gets to see him twice a week, I won't allow him any more than that. After he has been to his dads, he comes back spoilt and entitled.
He spends one night at my parent's, usually a Sunday, and they also take him to school and pick him up most days because I have to work.

@Minjou

"Why would hers win?" may be because it was Mother's day!?

Because you’ve described your parents as, respectively, ‘as soft as shit’ and ‘a nasty, vindictive woman’ and as with no boundaries? Because them looking after him appears to be damaging your relationship with your seven year old?

Thank you for understanding.

This post has gone off the rails a little bit, but the partner has gone regardless.

I just wanted to know if I was completely to blame.

It's really not...

In order to have “something” happen that involves others means explicit communications.
“child free” as posters have eluded to, might not mean not having a teen around to some.
You needed to say; I want JUST you (DP) and I to have a day ALONE, just the two of us; I’ll seed little op to his nana’s and we can binge watch bridgerton, eat ice cream and work on this weeks laundry rota.
You can’t blame others for ambiguous comments (ambiguous to many).

It really is.

Im not disagreeing that it's an issue, but it's an issue that doesn't relate to this post.

This is about my now ex-partner, not about me and my son.

oh! he's gone now @ClownsDontHaveNipples?

eta; you were not to blame, at all. A seventeen year old is still a child, not what you asked for, just today, of all days

Why doesn't your partner work?

Well yes, to quote my original post, "he's packed up and fucked off".

Fine (not fine), but I'll deal with it.

My partner does work.

My ex-partner (son's father) does not work.

He doesn't remember the conversation.

I explicitly remember saying (after knowing my son would be elsewhere): "I'm looking forward to having a child-free day, just me and you".

So sorry @ClownsDontHaveNipples I did miss that bit 🙈

christ, you've had a magnificent mother's day then.

Did he cop the nark because you called him out about his son coming round?

You're right, it's not really fine but if he is so insensitive not to respect your wishes (it's possibly not the first time either), is he someone you want in your life, with all the other stresses you have?

@ClownsDontHaveNipples ; you're a mom and you really should know: it needs to be in writing, it needs to be repeated at least THREE times and you need to get him to repeat back to you what it is that he thinks he heard.

There was a lot to unpack in the post and the subsequent comments. I can see why previous commenters where confused as although OP thinks the bigger picture is irrelevant I'm not sure it is.

I guess what you really wanted was a day with your partner. But you didn't tell him that. You said you wanted a child free day. I can't imagine your 17 yr old step son needed much parenting and your partner was keeping him entertained.

If the mother of your step son also wanted a child free day, it makes no difference to you whether the other 3 fathers are useless or not, they can't be expected to have your step son, surely only his own father is relevant there. Hats off to your partner to maintaining a relationship with his son. I'd find that a positive thing.

Your own son choosing where to spend his time somewhere he doesn't have any boundaries is odd. Of course any seven year old would do the same given the choice. As the only adult in his life with boundaries I'd expect you to guide him on where he spends his time. Boundaries offer a child safety, security and help them feel loved. That would be a reason for me to use paid childcare! If your mum dotes on your son she should be caring for him in a way that's in his best interests, ie with boundaries. You can't control what happens with his Dad I agree, but you can dictate how much time he spends with your parents when they don't put boundaries in place.

And saying you're the only adult in his life who works gave the impression that your partner didn't. I assume your partner, or ex partner, was involved in your son's life if they lived together. If not, this may also explain why your son didn't want to spend time with you, if you prioritise and allow a man to live with you who isn't a part of your son's life.

But now said partner is gone, perhaps your focus can now be on prioritising your son and making him feel important at home, helping him to see the value of boundaries and showing that you can spend nice, fun times with people who love you and ask you to eat vegetables.

The hard time is because she only asked her partner not to allow his son there because her own seven year old didn’t want to be with her.

If she expects her son to have free choice of as to when he sees his own parents and to come and go, then she can’t hardly complain if her partner expects the same for his son. The whole situation sounds toxic as fuck.

Had the 7 year old said he wants to spend the day doing something just him and his mum, or asked to be picked up to go home to Mum, I bet the partner would have been allowed to choose to see his own son then.

And that’s before going into the fact the op chooses to allow her child to spend almost half his time with someone she describes as nasty and vindictive, who she has no contact with and who she knows gives her child no boundaries and no rules.