AIBU to feel disappointed by DP’s ‘effort’ on my first Mother's Day?

[Newmum255]

Just looking for some second opinions really. DP thinks I’m being ungrateful and have too high expectations because of social media.

Today was my first Mother’s Day, I was really excited. I’d made a big effort for DP’s first Father’s Day last June.

His parents came round this morning, at which point I was presented with some flowers which still had the price tag on and a card. I opened the card, and rather than a nice personalised one from my DS (as I’d got him, one with photos on) it was a novelty card which said ‘your farts stink but I still love you’- made the more embarrassing that his parents saw it.

He then said he’d booked a table for us to have a roast - this was at a carvery chain where we had to sit in a dedicated kids area with a play area (no use for DS at this stage), kids running amok and a load of noise so we couldn’t hear each other speak. Really stressful and not at all relaxing.

DP thinks I’m being ungrateful, said he sorted a card, flowers and a meal so ‘what more could I want’?

Yes I agree. My husband always shows his appreciation for me, all year round, with words and gestures (big and small). As do my children. They still make the effort to go above and beyond on Mother’s Day. What’s the harm in a bit of extra appreciation? The OP celebrated her husband on Father’s Day, and I expect she thought he knew her well enough that she’d appreciate the same/similar in return.
It doesn’t matter if other posters on here are just grateful for a cup of tea in bed blah blah blah, she’s not them, and most people assume that their partners know them well enough to know what they would appreciate, and that they’d make a little bit of effort to deliver it for the person they love.

I wouldn’t like that card but otherwise sounds fine? If you wanted to go out somewhere specific you should have told him. Ofc you have to sit in the family area, you have a baby.

Perhaps not. But I suppose I think that if he did miss the mark with a poorly chosen card, it would possibly not be a big deal if done in the context of a healthy, mutually-appreciative relationship.

I mean, I’ve seen posts on here down the years which were apparently genuinely furious and upset that their partner hadn’t got them a card from their newborn that addressed them as ‘Mummy’ rather than just ‘Happy Mothers’ Day’, or didn’t get them a Christmas card that said ‘Happy Christmas to my Fiancée’. I think there’s more going on there than different ideas about card messages, and the context that emerges on the thread often illuminates it.

Nobody is saying it’s wrong to want to be treated on Mother’s Day, the point being made seems to be that people who put big expectations and become disappointed probably are not appreciated fay-to-day.

My Mother’s Day wasn’t great on paper - I had worse than a carvery. No ravel booking, so we had to drive to several places to get a table. Ended up with a grim chain pub burger. Card, teddy and drawing were nice, although I was in the shop when they bought my them for me!

But I get delicious meals from DP and beautiful pictures from DC almost every day. If it goes a bit awry one day a year, I really don’t care one iota. It’s not my last opportunity to feel special - but it is a big deal if you aren’t appreciated day-to-day.

I suppose my life isn’t ‘pretty shitty’ in general, so I don’t see things like Mothers’ Day as in any way significant.

Mine isn’t either. I have a nice life. I still like to be treated on Mother’s Day.
But what you want and what I want is entirely irrelevant to the OP anyway. I assume your family know you don’t care about it, so they don’t bother with it. The OP does care, and you’d assume that her partner would know that.

Well, they do bother. DH is away for work atm, but my 13 year old brought me coffee in bed, had got me a card and had gone halves with DH before he went away on buying me a bottle of my favourite bath oil. Which is lovely.

My point is only that my experience of day to day life with DS and DH doesn’t lead to me to need ‘occasions’ to make up for any lack. I enjoy them, sure, but they’re not doing the work of having to make up for everyday inadequacies, which I think is often the case in the posts on here that are visibly terribly upset and angry at ‘disappointing’ or non-existent presents or cards. Similarly with proposals or anniversaries.

Neither is mine but we still like to mark occasions and treat the people we love.

My husband doesn't do anything for me on mother's day, my children make me things and I'm happy with that, after all I'm their mother, not his. He gets his own mother a gift every year though, it's the same with father's day, he gets a hand made card made by the kids and I get my own dad something that's just how we've always done it.

And I suppose that I’m thinking along the lines of cost of living, growing political unease, war, continued inequality between the sexes, constant tragedies on the news etc etc when I talk about life being “pretty shitty” at times. Not that my actual life was shitty (until my husband died that is), but that given that things can generally be a bit grim out there, that it’s nice to have a day just to celebrate someone who we love (or be celebrated). If that’s not your thing, crack on, but it doesn’t reflect on someone who does enjoy days like Mother’s Day or any other of the “consumer” celebrations, or mean that they are wrong to expect a bit of consideration from their other half. And it also doesn’t necessarily mean that their life is “lacking” in any other way.

Do you think there is something innate in women that mean they place higher importance on occasions such a Mother's Day/Father's Day/Birthdays?
Girls are taught from an early age that this type of thing is their responsibility while boys are taught that there is a girl/woman that will sort that for them.

Comments like your just show how ingrained those types of views are.

I think the women who put a lot of store by Mother’s Day are mostly the ones who are holding out for a tiny bit of recognition because they otherwise get so little.

A lot of men don’t put store by “days” because they are having a nice life/ getting their needs met and plenty of recognition all the time, to the point they can’t conceive of not getting regularly praised and have regular rest/ time to themselves.

I know I felt more in need of Mother’s Day attention when I was with my awful exh, and the kids were little. Everything was very full on, I was working full-time, did everything for the kids, generally felt unrecognised and desperate for some rest. And just wanted exh to show some appreciation! (He didn’t do it on mothers day or on a different day!)

Now I’m divorced, still work full time in a stressful job, but a lot happier. My kids are an older teen and a tween and a lot easier. I get lovely mother’s days these days - ranging from meeting my mum/ parents with the kids to spending the day doing something with just with my two, to not doing anything much at all - but because I’m generally much happier all the different types of day are welcome!

A lot of men don’t put store by “days” because they are having a nice life/ getting their needs met and plenty of recognition all the time, to the point they can’t conceive of not getting regularly praised and have regular rest/ time to themselves.

There's your socialisation in practice.

Both me and DH treat teach other with respect and share life and parenting responsibilities equally but we still make sure that we mark days such as Mother's and Father's day because we feel explicitly acknowledging each other is important and we like 'occasions'. We aren't doing it because our life is lacking on a day to day basis.
DH is working away at the moment but he made sure DS had a card ready for me and had some flowers delivered. Those things aren't difficult to organise and aren't ostentatious but they do require forward planning - something men seen to be able to do well in the workplace so there's no reason they can't do that at home too!

I also do believe that men and women have differences in what they perceive as important due to their differing hormones. We may both be humans but we are biologically quite different from a chemical point of view.

I’m not interested in arguing with anyone, I’m too busy today. Yes there will be a certain amount of social expectation, but fundamentally, males and females ARE different.

There is no evidence that biological or hormonal differences mean that women view occasions such as Mother's day as more important when compared to men. Literally zero evidence.

Most blokes just don't think it's a big deal. The amount of them I saw hovering around the Tesco flower section on Sunday morning looking mildly panicked was hilarious.

A former partner and I split up years ago but were still living together. For his birthday I bought him two Red Letter Day experiences, costing over £300. His gift to me on my birthday was a £10 HMV voucher.

You’re really overthinking this 😂
Anyway, I’m out.

Perhaps if more people were to ‘overthink’ this then we wouldn’t have so many people excusing men behaving poorly.
More people might start teaching their son’s to be kind and considerate instead of assuming they can’t behave like that because ‘ biology’ 🙄

His poor present giving behaviour wasn’t caused by biology though. Being a man doesn’t mean you are automatically poor at gift giving or remembering important occasions.

And yet there you were, with the ‘chavs and single mothers’. You’re not so different after all are you?

And as long as people excuse this shit based on them being male, the longer men will continue to get away with being stingy and thoughtless.

Which chemicals make men bad at present giving?

Oh no I agree, they don’t make up for any lack in my life either. They’re a lovely added extra, and I’m glad my family make the effort. And that’s what the OP is upset about, a lack of effort.

All sounds perfectly nice , the fart card is a bit tasteless but not the end of the world. Yes I do think your expectations are too high