AIBU to feel disappointed by DP’s ‘effort’ on my first Mother's Day?

[Newmum255]

Just looking for some second opinions really. DP thinks I’m being ungrateful and have too high expectations because of social media.

Today was my first Mother’s Day, I was really excited. I’d made a big effort for DP’s first Father’s Day last June.

His parents came round this morning, at which point I was presented with some flowers which still had the price tag on and a card. I opened the card, and rather than a nice personalised one from my DS (as I’d got him, one with photos on) it was a novelty card which said ‘your farts stink but I still love you’- made the more embarrassing that his parents saw it.

He then said he’d booked a table for us to have a roast - this was at a carvery chain where we had to sit in a dedicated kids area with a play area (no use for DS at this stage), kids running amok and a load of noise so we couldn’t hear each other speak. Really stressful and not at all relaxing.

DP thinks I’m being ungrateful, said he sorted a card, flowers and a meal so ‘what more could I want’?

YANBU OP.
The first Father’s Day came before first Mother’s Day and you were thoughtful and made an effort. His effort was low grade.

Leaving the price tag on the flowers says it all.
The card choice was puerile. I buy my Mum’s Mother’s Day card a few days before and they always have an abundance of cards left. There’s no need to buy the one he did. I’ve seen cards like that for fathers and more so at Christmas with the worn out Brussels sprouts jokes. I’m amazed anyone would buy a card like that for a mother. He could have gone down the Moonpig card route and put together something similar to what you did.
In short he needs to grow up.

I think we can infer why the restaurant choice ended up being what it was, knowing how quickly places get booked for popular places.

Reciprocate for Father’s Day or be the bigger person. You’ll win either way.

YANBU. At all. God the bar can be really low on this site. I work shifts, so regularly work things like Mother’s Day and Christmas and stuff but my late DH always made sure to spoil me regardless. Coffee at stupid o’clock before I leave for work (and I’m talking before 5), then cards from him and the kids when I got home (nice meaningful “to my beautiful wife on Mother’s Day”, “mummy” from the younger kids, “mum” from the older ones, certainly no fart jokes 🤮), and a lovely selection of presents. Always flowers, a well thought out and chosen book, some perfume or something they similarly knew I’d love and chocolates. Oh, and when the kids had Mother’s Day stalls at school, nick knacks from there (sometimes duplicates 🤣).

He had usually booked a late-ish supper out somewhere local, although depending on whether it was a 12hr shift, or had turned into a 14hr+ shift, we didn’t always manage, in which case we had take out and a bottle of wine with all the kids.

I always felt really appreciated and loved, which is what mattered. I know if he hadn’t had the budget for the gifts etc, he would have made up for it in other ways. And it means that now that he’s not here, he’s set an example and my kids have carried on the tradition and treat me beautifully on mothers days and birthdays etc (not that they don’t year round, just that they make extra special effort on special days).

It’s not grabby or bratty to expect your DH to make a special effort on Mother’s Day, especially your first, and especially since you put effort into his first Father’s Day. Talk to him about it. Not in a shouty huffy way, just tell him you felt unappreciated and how you’d rather he’d dealt with it. But give over on the “chavs and single mums” talk, it won’t win you any sympathy because it’s unkind.

Next time you give him a gift, tell him that this is the standard you expect from him in future.😂

I wouldn’t be looking down on anyone else, any one of us could end up single! Sounds better than a relationship with all the anger about cards etc.

Wow, I sort of had some sympathy until your comment about single mums. To suggest that single mums are lesser and the sort of people who take their kids to some cheap carvery and let them run wild is such an offensive and sweeping statement!

God forbid your DH ever gets sick of you and join the awful ranks of the single mothers who can’t control their children and have poorly behaved and wild kids who run around disrupting carveries….!

You sound nice.
Those damn single mums, don’t they know they aren’t allowed to go out for meals in case they offend others.

Woah.Foul.

Wasn't really with you even before that asshole comment.

On my first Mother’s Day my husband had gone away to Australia for 3 months and I was so sleep deprived I told someone we had a dog. We didn’t.
He messaged to say that he’d left a gift hidden in a cupboard.
It was a box of maltesers. I put them in the bin.

I was entirely with you until I read the ‘chavs and single mums’ comment, that was uncalled for.
However to all those saying ‘at least you got a card and a meal’…. Why should anyone be happy with ‘at least?’ A crappy card and a last minute booking to a shit restaurant shouldn’t win him any prizes.

It's his first one go easy on him. My DH has only just started getting it right after 7 years. He did make an effort after all, he'll get better at it 💐

Was feeling a bit of sympathy until this full of chavs and single mothers letting their kids run riot
nasty and judgemental.

Yanbu OP. How old is he? 12?

My 17yo did better than that. Some freesias and daffodils without price tag, a sweet card that didn't include an insult and lunch in a local bar.

This single mum has raised her son to be more perceptive and have better taste than your dh.

Is that ‘effort’ though? What actual effort was involved?

You don't sound very classy so the card sounds ok to me.

Honestly the flowers and meal sound fine anyway - why bring a child and expect to be seated away from all the other children? Even if your little one can't play yet, they might still cry or make a mess and most parents would prefer to be surrounded by other parents who would be sympathetic to that.

I was with you until the 'chavs and single mums' comment. You're either trolling or being really nasty and judgemental.

Maybe your partner was sending you a message with the card and restaurant he booked based on your attitude!

As it's your first mother's day your baby would now be likely to be messy and noisy, whereas last year for father's day they would have been small and probably slept through the meal.
Booking a family friendly chain is likely to be where you are at now, especially on a busy day where adults want to celebrate without a baby/young kids. Even a nice place may have placed you in an area with other bookings of young children which clearly wouldn't have suited you either.

If your child was born in time for last Father’s Day, they must be nearly 1? YABU to think that the children’s area of a restaurant isn’t for you. Given your chavs and single mums comment, I imagine you are the kind of person who’d have been annoyed to be sat near a baby before you had children - you’d probably have complained that they should have been in the children’s area

Yeah, how dare those single mums want to enjoy their mother's day. They should know their place and stay inside.

I know. I’m having a social media break this year and it’s lovely to avoid all the “look at me” posts.

Is he normally more kind and thoughtful, or does your birthday / other occasions follow this pattern too?

What is he like in general?

Op you have really shown yourself up with your gross attitude. You strike me as someone who needs to feel superior to everyone else and you don’t feel like your dh efforts were Instagramable enough. Focus on the meaning behind the day not trying to look good to people on the internet.

Also other posters insinuating some people have low standards if they don’t expect certain high brow cards and gifts. Have a word. Some people just don’t need a certain style of card/gift/gesture to feel appreciated. Sometimes it’s genuinely the thought that counts not how fancy it looks on social media. Why on earth we have to go down the ‘must have low standards’ route just because people are different is mind boggling.

YABU. I wouldn't say my bar was low but i am more than happy with breakfast in bed and a homemade card! Are you sure its not to gloat on social media? personally i cant stand performative bullshit and prefer to keep things simple.

I think this is all nonsense. Until your child is old enough to do something voluntarily why is the expectation on your DP.? You’re not his mother. It’s a load of performative nonsense imho.

You got flowers and a card, plus a meal out.

How about being less up your own arse about chavs and single mums and be a bit more grateful!

I hate this ‘people are only doing it for social media’ thing. My kids and my husband make a big deal of Mother’s Day. I got the obligatory (lovely) homemade cards and gifts plus breakfast in bed, but my DH also took the kids shopping for flowers, my favourite champagne and my favourite Jo Malone perfume (I’ve run out) plus matching candle. He also shopped for and cooked a lovely meal for us, and invited my mum along too (and made her favourite dessert). I don’t have social media and neither does DH, so absolutely no one else knows what he did/bought (except now you strangers on MN).
Just because people like to make a fuss of/treat others, or (heaven forbid!) like to be treated, doesn’t mean they’re doing it ‘for social media’.

I absolutely fucking hate seeing people say that men just don't see these things as important. Like women are born with an innate ability to remember important dates and treat the people they love with kindness, love and respect.
It's utter rubbish. Women only do this because they are taught to do this and people excuse men's poor behaviour by saying they don't view it as important.