AIBU to feel disappointed by DP’s ‘effort’ on my first Mother's Day?

[Newmum255]

Just looking for some second opinions really. DP thinks I’m being ungrateful and have too high expectations because of social media.

Today was my first Mother’s Day, I was really excited. I’d made a big effort for DP’s first Father’s Day last June.

His parents came round this morning, at which point I was presented with some flowers which still had the price tag on and a card. I opened the card, and rather than a nice personalised one from my DS (as I’d got him, one with photos on) it was a novelty card which said ‘your farts stink but I still love you’- made the more embarrassing that his parents saw it.

He then said he’d booked a table for us to have a roast - this was at a carvery chain where we had to sit in a dedicated kids area with a play area (no use for DS at this stage), kids running amok and a load of noise so we couldn’t hear each other speak. Really stressful and not at all relaxing.

DP thinks I’m being ungrateful, said he sorted a card, flowers and a meal so ‘what more could I want’?

You got a card, flowers and a meal out. It wasn’t what you had visioned but things really are, it’s not like he forgot or hadn’t bothered. It sounds like he liked the card and thought it was funny so maybe he thought it would make you laugh? Flowers are a standard gift and the chain pub meal is where you are Likely to go when you have small kids.

How do children learn if their parents don't teach them? The whole 'you're not his mother' is the biggest load of rubbish and just another way to excuse men being lazy and unkind.
While your children are young it is the job of the parents to facilitate birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc and that's how children learn.

Well you have just listed everything on social media which mumsnet is?
Don't forget a lot of people's income cant stretch to champagne and Jo Malone.
It doesnt make them lesser people or not trying hard enough.

Christ OP, run now, you're about to be crucified.

Although that aside, a thoughtful card, thought put into a gift that you know he loves and a meal at a naice country pub is absolutely not the same as zero thought flowers with the price on, a card about farts, and a meal at a cheap establishment resembling feeding time at the zoo.

He probably knows it too, the cheap place is likely all he could book at the last minute because he didn't think, the flowers are an easy win in his eyes and the fart card - who knows what the fuck he was thinking.

In comparison it is piss poor to what he got for his first father's day, he knows it, and instead of owning it, he's attacking you. Not good.

OP don't you know you're supposed to never expect any meaningful effort from your partner, despite everything you do for them? Just put up with it, and be grateful!

That's the typical MN response whenever a poster is feeling let down by their partner for being lazy and selfish.

In the real world, that card is insulting and everything he did sends the message that he kind of resented having to do anything at all. It doesn't sound like it came from a place of love, does it?

I'd be disappointed too. Why we can't all collectively acknowledge that men being careless and lazy in relationships is actually a huge problem, I really can't understand. It's always "shut up and get on with it" on here.

The carvery we went to today is renown for being cheap, ‘pile it high’ and as expected, full of chavs and single mums letting their kids run riot whilst they stuffed their faces.

Oh dear.

Yeah but it’s anonymous isn’t it? No one is going to be saying ‘wow, look at what LemonFancy on MN got, who I’ve never met, isn’t she lucky?’
It’s not about budget, it’s about effort. There is no effort involved in a shit card, flowers with the price left on and presumably the only place to eat that had availability.

Surely it’s only “performative nonsense”, if you plaster it all over social media. I, for one, never felt the need to do that and neither did my husband. He wanted to celebrate and spoil me as the mother of his children (as I did him as their father), and despite doing that regularly in small, daily gestures, he chose to make Mother’s Day all about me. Which I appreciated. It’s nice to have a reason to celebrate our other halves and make a day of it. It was lovely to feel cherished and my children when old enough to understand and take part, absolutely loved it too. Which they’ve proven by keeping it up off of their own back now that their father is no longer here.

I don’t think the OP is wrong in feeling that her DH could have made a bit more effort to make her feel special on her first Mother’s Day. Just because some people couldn’t give a rats ass about it, doesn’t mean the OP is wrong for caring about it and being a bit hurt.

And I’ve already said that I think the OP’s comments re chavs and single mums was uncalled for and unkind, however I don’t think that has any bearing on her opinion of her DH’s MD effort.

Sorry but it is absolutely about budget. Not everyone can afford to eat out even. I agree the card was a bit shitty but surely effort doesn't have to be about how much money is spent?

You need to talk to him about it. It’s no use putting up with it and moaning behind his back. You need to say explicitly’I was upset by your jokey card and it embarrassed me. Next year could you try something more like this..’ on the one hand he did try so don’t be too down on him but he probably thought it was fine so you need to discuss it or you will be frustrated for ever.

Which is exactly what I said. It’s not about budget, it’s about effort. He could have cooked her favourite meal at home for less money and I’m sure she would have felt more appreciated. It wouldn’t have cost more to choose a nice card without a shit joke, and it wouldn’t have cost more for him to make the effort to take the price tag off the flowers.

You said you made a big effort for father’s day - card, chocolates, meal - it doesn’t sound that different tbh. I wouldn’t have liked the card but presumably it’s his sense of humour and he found it funny. I understand that you didn’t like the venue but it sounds suitable as either dc is very young and therefore I’d rather be in a child friendly place in case they’re really fussy, or they’d benefit from being able to play?

I’d have said YANBU until your chavs and single mum comments.

Card gifts and flowers.

YABU just because you don't feel these are to the standard you wanted.

Ah I see social media has been mentioned.

Were you going to post pictures but are disappointed and embarrassed because it won't look good compared to others?

It's the scourge of modern times.

Yes of course he could have cooked her a nice meal, however the OP is not happy that the venue he took her to was clearly not classy enough for her going by the 'chavs and single mums' comment which is a disguting attitude and doesnt show any class from her at all.
In my books that is still effort even if that is the best you can offer. If she chooses to have more children one day i very much imagine she too will become one of those awful mums with screaming children aka kids just being kids, then maybe she will drop this PFB image she currently portrays.

Exactly. It is entirely about effort. Yes, my DH did absolutely spoil me rotten, however getting up before 0500 to make me coffee before I went on shift when he could have slept until 0900, meant every bit as much (if not more) than the perfume etc, and cost absolutely nothing. The fact that he made the effort to get a “beautiful wife on Mother’s Day” card and wrote thoughtfully in it, didn’t cost any more than a fart card. Teaching our children by example to be loving and appreciative cost nothing.

It’s the lack of thought and care that matters, not the budget.

I think it is awful that he got you such a thoughtless card , and didn't book anywhere nice and expect you to be grateful for it- it sounds a bit like weaponised incompetence that now he has a good excuse not to bother again as you didn't appreciate his minimal effort. Personally I would return the effort for his birthday or father's day, an insulting card, cheap beer or wine and breakfast at a greasy spoon

In fairness, I don’t see the relevance of all these ridiculous Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc nonsense and I’m not even a bloke 😂
Some people really just don’t see these things as big occasions. I think it’s true that’s in general, women do put more importance on these things. The amount of posts on this forum about Mother’s Day disappointment has blown my mind. I don’t know why people find these things such a big deal.
My mums the same, she thinks it’s all a bit ridiculous!

I think it’s mostly people who feel unappreciated in their daily lives who put undue stress on cards and presents on things like Mothers’ Day. In their heads, it has to be ‘special’ and ‘show effort’ because there’s minimal effort going on elsewhere in the relationship, and no equality on shouldering the day to day gruntwork of parenting and housework.

You see the same thing in posts about being terribly disappointed in proposals not being special enough — in fact it’s the relationship that should be canned, but as it quite often involves several children and financial dependency, it isn’t.

Apart from missing the mark with the card everything else sounds great. Flowers lovely, meal out at a place DC is welcome, lovely. Mothers’ day card good intentions but not lovely as mentions farts…

I think you might be right. I treat my mum to little things all year- her favourite sweets when I pop to the shop, a little gift when I go to the garden centre…etc. I tell her I love her every day and we spend a lot of time together.
She doesn’t need a pretend day to feel appreciated.
It’s sad that so many people don’t have that.

Agree with this completely. But I'd also argue that a decent partner who pulls their weight isn't likely to buy a juvenile card about farting, is he? The special occasions act as a mirror for the relationship in general.

I wouldn’t have minded the price left on the flowers, would hate the card and would’ve preferred to stay in or go for a walk than go to a carvery to sit in a kids area. It does sound like he tried but just got it all wrong. I’d have a conversation about cards with nice messages being important to you and where you’d like to go next time.

Not sure that hits the mark all the time. I literally said only a few posts back that, despite showing his love and appreciation regularly in small daily gestures, my DH loved to make Mother’s Day all about me, and spoil me rotten. I did the same for him.

It’s just nice to have a day to celebrate and appreciate the other parent of our children, make it a bit special - God knows life can be pretty shitty at times - why not take the opportunity to brighten things up? I don’t think there’s anything wrong in feeling a bit hurt if one parent has done this and then don’t feel it’s reciprocated. As someone upthread said, children learn from example, and what better way to teach them to show appreciation, than to demonstrate it. 🤷‍♀️